Friday, April 29, 2005

Free Falling Suicide

I often wondered what it would be like to commit suicide without really dying. Of all the methods I've fantasized about the one thing that really astounded me was jumping off a tall building. I can't blame those people who died this way for choosing such a demise. It must've been the most soul-freeing act they could have possibly experienced.

How would I know? I'm here, writing this - alive! But last night I dreamt of it. I stood atop a high rise building where the clouds partially obscured my view of the surface. I felt so sad, so lonely, so depressed and so lost. I couldn't understand why I felt that way in that dream. It was as if life has lost its meaning - a feeling of overwhelming emptiness. I could see the world above and below. People were all around and yet deep inside my heart I felt alienated. The world was a dark and cold world without a sense of purpose and a sense of belongingness. I thought of the people I cared about but for some reason I didn't care. Doubt was taking over my thoughts of them. How would I really know if they cared or they loved me back? Maybe all of this was just a façade. I could not take this feeling anymore so took a deep breath, closed my eyes and I lept.

The constant acceleration of the fall inexplicably left me with a feeling of delight. It was like an orgasmic feeling that held itself while still at the peak. It doesn't stop there. It just keeps feeling better and better as I fall faster. My mind was clear and everything in life that I've been through, whether good or bad, didn't really matter anymore. It was like an uncontrolled male libido that you just can't say 'no'. I was now letting go of everything and letting the floating feeling embrace my soul. How I'd wish this feeling lasted forever.

At that brief moment before impact I woke up and my heart was pounding like I've just been through a wild ride. I understand now why those lost souls chose this as their demise. They were free from the world, free from the pain and free from themselves. It's because for the last few minutes of their pathetic lives they were free.


Note: Kids don't try this at home. :P

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