Thursday, May 05, 2005

In Dreams

Why is it when I am awake I feel like the whole world is not real? I see the hatred, the disgust, and the indifference in the world but yet I do not seem to care. Everything seems to be a blur - unreal. Death doesn't seem to bother me anymore. I can't fathom the misery of the experience and yet we all know it is the inevitable. Perhaps we see it too often that we have numbed our senses to it and yet we know it is there in this so-called "reality". Things just happen all the time that you can't help but ask ask, "Is it real?"

Why is it when I sleep I cry over the most little things that I would consider rather silly? I feel the anger and I feel the love. I feel what I see and always know what to do in situations that would leave me frozen in shock. I cry over comrades lost in a battle that never took place. I laugh with friends I never knew. In dreams my emotions run wild. I surrender to every emotion that overwhelms me. Here, I see visions of tomorrow and times forgotten and sometimes I dream of both in unity. But in truth, I do not even remember the past life that was in my waking moments. I am in a surreal world of vast wonder and endless possibilities. I can feel love, hate, beauty and disgust that I can really touch. In this world that would otherwise be considered unreal to everyone else other than me, this is my reality. Why? Why is this more real to me? I do not care. For as long as I am awake I could not care less for this world that is not my own.

But the question is which memories are the right ones? In my dreams I awaken memories I never knew existed yet I do not recall it in my consciousness. All I have is just a grain of that memory and a weakening, sickening feeling that I have something stuck at the furthest corners of my mind. Even if I did find it again, this reality would not point a place in my mind from where it belonged. Yet it my slumber these memories and knowledge fall in clarity with this... reality! Why?

These are my dreams. My only escape from a world that is much stranger than fiction. This is me. Each night I close my eyes and trap my mind into this cramped cranial receptacle and enter eternity. This is my reality. Welcome to my world. The world of a dreamer.


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