Thursday, December 01, 2005

Another uneventful day in my cubicle...

Looking around my table I cannot help but notice how much I have accumulated into my little world. Books of various topics related and unrelated to my job, plaques, certificates, memorabilias and toys.

My Samurai X figurine, Battousai the slasher guards my desk. A place formerly held by another figure of my not so distant past. Come to think of it, Battousai belonged to a person who didn't deserve it. Within the nooks of my bookshelf is an NYPD plate I bought in a convenience store outside of New York. In another corner is a broken Nvidia GeForce 4 MX440. On one shelf is my pathetic excuse for work on a 1/24 scale Mazda RX7 with Hot WHeels cars in the backdrop. Below that shelf are two Neko cats (black and white) supposedly to bring me luck.

A maze of wires tangles all the way down under my feet connecting my two computers. I've been meaning to tie them up and make them neat. My PDA's LCD glows in the darkness under my table as it charges and syncs data with one of my computers.

In the gentle solace of my own world I think of that what I have been through this year. It's funny how all the sorrow in your emotions makes you appreciate how precious and fragile our lives are. Life, indeed, is too short to squander it all on grief. But as I look at it now, without grief how can I be happy? Without happiness where is grief? I definitely agree that God made opposites to everything in order for us to appreciate both.

I look around my office and look at my colleagues laughing at each other, smiling and talking to each other. The annoying chatter of whose idea is right and what's being done in their projects are all too familiar to me. I cannot help but appreciate how far I've gone in my life. I feel somewhat honored to be working with such esteemed individuals. Wacky at most but extremely intelligent and creative. An eccentric bunch that never ceases to bring a smile to your face each day. I'm always happy being with them. It seems the only thing that's out of place in this room is me. A somewhat mediocre employee in a company that searches only for the best. Why or how I made it in here is still a mystery to me but I know that my skills do surpass far beyond what my academic records show.

Proud as I am to have known them I cannot get over the feeling that I had given them up for my own personal happiness that was never meant to last.

As I left for the day I look back from the sidewalk at the lone towering building where I work I still wonder how many more of places big and small I will see in my life. New faces and new lives I will meet along the way and lives I will rediscover. I also wonder how many conflicts I will face later. I realized that I have a path that I must follow. God has plans for me. Each day it may or may not become clear. My real job in life is not to quit. I have to keep going. The real pride I have is the fact that I'm still here. So far I'm realizing my dreams one at a time.

I understand.
I understood.
I will understand.

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