Saturday, December 30, 2006

The shallower I get...

Many blogs ago I posted an entry about what I want in a woman.

I have read that entry over and over again lately to the point that I've realized that I ended up deleting some deluded chick's (who was probably someone I knew and had the perverse intentions of me) lunatic advice AND put her in her place. Sigh, the price of fame. I mean, hey, this blog isn't intended to catch someone's attention but rather share the irony of my somewhat complicated life caught in a tasteless yet complicated world. Anyway, back on topic.

I remembered the movie "Shallow Hal" (one of my favorites) as I thought about that blog. Of course, everyone who saw that movie can recall that Hal's dad was too drugged to be thinking straight but even in the midst of the ironic humor he had somewhat of a point. Find the most gorgeous woman there is with big round breasts, luscious lips and a hot body! Friends and visitors have often expressed concerns about my steep requirements for my woman of choice - shallow to a few of them. Hell, how can a steep requirement be shallow? Believe me, that long list didn't come without a high price. It is gained from years of observation, experience and a long-awaited realization about my taste in unpleasant women who's got more pussy than brains. I, for one, plead guilty to that debauchery. After all, we guys only think about sex like...90% of the time?

Illustrating your ideal mate often is the product of another facet of soul-searching. Some of the naive, ergo, idiotic advice I get is lowering my standards to give others a chance; that I should lower it because that's supposed to be what you do after each relationship. I see, make yourself more of a sex trap for more lunatic women! Why would I lower my standards after repeated failures at that pitiful level of scrutiny?

Picking a mate to me is like picking a puppy. The way I read it in a book: "Don't pick the last one because you feel sorry for it." I had committed this mistake more than once in my life. I often expressed sympathy to some of them for being so desperately in love with my mysterious nature - desperate being the operative word for the both of us. Honestly, I have only gone through those classical boy meets girl love stories a couple of times in my life. But, hey, theirs is not an excuse! For all they I know I could be some serial killer or some stalker - not that I am the last time I checked. Anyways, I share too much of myself to quite rub that mystery off of me. But is that really just who I am? And for all I know that's probably not as deep as I want them to see.

As I am closing more than a year of my, er, bachelorhood I find that seriously finding a mate could take longer than getting a date or laid on a weekend. Seriously, it really doesn't take long till one woman fails to fit the bill every time I see one. Frustrating, but if you're really not in a hurry then you're really going to enjoy the ride. I'm not expecting a rewarding outcome towards the end of all this but at least the thought that someone like me wasn't easily shot down is suspense enough. I just have to make sure that whoever shot me down was worth it all. After all, my dad once told me to make a choice, die now or die slowly.

Lately, I realized that it's really hard to emphasize on character because we initially see the exterior shell of a person. I really give emphasis on this. Aside from the fact that I am a man it's really the first thing you see. Let's face it, none of us, especially men, have the ability of reading people's minds, do we? From the moment I wrote that blog I knew that emphasis should be taken to her appearance as much as her character. Never again can I forgive myself if I let some mediocre gal (read: tasteless, useless, loser, has-been) or some ugly bitch (read: someone who can just kick it in bed coz any girl can be Nicole Kidman if they got a hole to stick it in) break my heart. If that girl is ever going to break my heart she better be gorgeous with men drooling all over ALL of her (not just that thing between her legs) and as intellectually superior as hell to boot. We really can't have a nobody tearing us down, can we? I say this because in the event of disillusionment we don't have to end up saying "My, God, why did I ever fall for that butt-ugly bitch in the first place?!!" Dead relationships should be remembered as good food that leaves something to desire not some exotic delicacy that leaves a rancid aftertaste.

In my native language we would say: "Kung mamiya siya! Hinanglan naa siya ikabuga!" (If she's gonna leave me, she better have something to show for it!) Suffice it to say that the next girl who's going to break my heart better be some rich bitch or some local famous gold digging goddess because I'll be damned if I ever let some two-bit nobody or has-been loser tear my insides inside out - if that were even possible!

We are told time and again that we can never find the perfect man or woman. If you look for the perfect person in the world he or she may not exist but if you look for the person who you deem perfect for you, then there is really a sure chance that such a person exists. I have thrown away all caution that I will never find a perfect mate. These "control" advice that these doctors like to tell you only seek to blind our eyes to what we can really do by hurting ourselves.

I will find her! I don't care how long it takes but I will. However, I still haven't figured out what to say or do when I do find her. :p Oh, well, I have all the time in the world to figure that out.

Tuesday, December 26, 2006

Of Men and Dogs

The world is a constant dick-waving struggle. A never-ending testosterone war of Neanderthals. Seriously, it's times like these that I feel ashamed to be a human being - a male one at that.

I really hate the fact that wars are just a metaphor for comparing dick sizes. Really now! Someone once said this! Wars are basically a comparison of who's got the biggest di...er... missiles, rockets , bullets and any form of long shafted projectile. It's pure hypocrisy really. We're just screwing each other - literally.

Coincidentally, another non-human specie has this same behavior of some sort. I somewhat liken the human male species as a bunch of dogs. You see, some dogs are all so big and feeling so tough and the only way you can shut them up is to beat them with a big stick until they break down into a whimpering stupor. That's the same thing you do with men. They walk around feeling invincible and untouchable - the brainless masculinity syndrome. Walk up to them with a gun or just beat the crap out of them to put them in their place and they end up just like that dog I mentioned. The only difference and, amusingly significant, is that dogs don't talk behind your back and give pathetic excuses why they lost to you.

A single man or an entire nation has this kind of mentality. "We are powerful." Drop the bomb and they cower in silence; their pride broken. If only their arrogance were as true as their loss they would have fought till their dying breath but, no, they were put in their place of shame and fearing for their lives. If only most of us would live in the fact that we die with pride or live in shame. However, we still like to value our pitiful lives more than our pride. The only thing bigger than pride is life and any big, steel-balled man has walked that path.

If we were really so powerful we wouldn't have to show it off by waving our dicks in the air because ANY man can strike anyone down unexpectedly so stop being so conspicuous and let's all but our dicks in our pants.

If one day you bump into some other guy and he suddenly lashes out feeling all so tough at you, just remember it's just his way of showing his dick. You have the option to kick him in the balls or, if you're good with words, put his manly esteem to shame.

Sunday, December 24, 2006

The Morena - a tribute

Researchers found out that humans respond to a lot of factors in the environment. Our stimuli respond to even the most minute traces in the environment. These subtle presence in the world around us actually affect how we feel, the way we think, and even the way we look and how we look at others. The existence of a certain odorless scent (i.e. pheromones) influences our attraction and sex drive towards the opposite sex. Changes in temperature affect our temperament. The quality of air affects our cells that it is the deciding factor if we have great skin, stronger bones, efficient mental skills, our ability to regenerate and most notably our ability to live longer.

The particular sense and the particular stimulus I am going to take pleasure - and I do mean it in every sense of the word - is the eye's response to color. Yep, our body reacts to the colors we see as well. Believe it or not, some medical practitioners have even ventured into this thing called "Color Therapy".

In my case, for some reason, I find myself attracted to darker and tan-skinned women. While many other men might feel the same way I merely would like to blog this down on why I feel like this. This is my tribute to the real "golden girls" of the world.

Basically, they just drive me crazy. As my eyes gaze upon the dark-skinned woman my heart just races. It's even no wonder I can spot them a hundred meters away. This constant state of excitement really proves how the human senses can be manipulated to react to certain stimulus. It is such an interesting and euphoric sensation indeed.

Sure, to some, dark skin may be a disgusting thing - the paradigm of the Aryan culture. But I just can't explain it. In a way dark skin may be unpleasant but I think about the way the light kisses her skin and she turns golden brown; how she can be exposed in the sun with the rays giving only minimal harm to her; the way her skin only requires moderate care. I can never go wrong with her beauty. So sensual, exotic and erotic all at once. Most of all, they don't even have to be exceptionally beautiful to BE beautiful. They are just...them.

They call it color therapy. My eyes are very reactive at the sight of brown skin. I don't know if this is a twisted fetish of some sort but I'm taking it.

To all you you dark and tanned women out there. This one's for you! MWAH!

Saturday, December 23, 2006

Wasted! I died last night.

Just woke up today with a lingering feeling of the events that unfolded the night before.

The evening started just like any night out we organized. We made reservations at POD5 KTV located at the Banilad Town Center. I cannot shake the feeling that I forgot something at the office that night. I knew I left my backpack on purpose so I don't have to potentially drag anything else but myself back home. My building was just far away to make it convenient for me to check what I that unknown thing I left behind. Little did I know that this little excursion would not materialize due to the unforeseen outcome of tonight's debauchery.

To cut a long story short, after two bottles of tequila and a few glasses of Red Horse beer everything turned into a "dream state".

I last remembered walking to the bathroom before this overwhelming surge of drunkenness hit me like a disease. It felt like my very life was sucked out of me. I remembered bending over the toilet to relieve myself of unwanted toxins then finally kneeling over to relieve myself some more. I remembered getting up and leaning over the sink before finally falling backwards towards the wall. The world was black.

Everything else felt like a dream with random flashes of events occurring here and there... You can see and hear things going on but you really can't speak or move.

The events unfolded in a few minutes but, to my lackluster brain streaming with alcohol in it's very essence (for some reason I always thought it was already there), everything actually happened a couple of hours or so.

Event 1:
Someone opens the door. I couldn't see anything but the bottom of sink stand and the bottom of the toilet. I can see two pairs of legs walking around.

"Na naunsa naman ni? (What the...?)" says one voice.
"Pangitaa didto kung kinsa naka ila ani (try find someone in the rooms who can claim the body)" said another.

I can feel them groping my pants for some form of emergency info and all the while I was praying they don't find my cellphone and call my parents. They find my wallet and read my license. I'm somewhat thankful I didn't bring any cash with me that day.

I tried with all my might to muster the strength to stand up and come to my senses. Nothing... BLACK.

Event 2:
I can hear Fred's voice as he walks into the bathroom. I heard a second voice (I later discovered it was Lemuel).

"Ato sa ning limpyohan. (let's minimize the damage and obscure the cause of death)" says Fred. "Sige, boss, kami lang bahala ani. (We'll deal with this. You didn't see anything!)"

"Ngano ni anhi pa man ko oi?! (So that's why you called me here!)" Lemuel regretted.

I still could not move.

"Ato nalang ni ibalhin sa kwarto kai daghan naghulat sa gawas. (Hide the body. Kill the witnesses.)

BLACK.

Event 3:
Murmuring voices in the distance.

I don't know when it happened but I was told that the room was a pool of intestinal fortitude. Of course, I really couldn't see anything if I'm facing upwards.

I heard someone trying to wake me up to no avail. I could hear Romer throwing up in the distance.

BLACK.

Event 4:
Oh, no! I can hear my mom's voice! Please tell me this is a REAL dream! Please tell me someone didn't find my goddamn phone's number!

"Na unsa naman mo diri?! (Palahubog mani akong anak oi! Utro pud ning mga kaila!)" she scolded.

"Sorry, madam, wa man mi kabalo dali diay maigo si Chad. (I suggest you start claiming his insurance.)" Mikai apologized.

Unlike a previous colleague's experience with booze and parents, their presence wasn't strong enough to wake me from my drunken stupor. The motivation was moot at this point. If I stood up or if stayed down the reaction would be the same. As one boxer once said "Stay down. It's safer."

I remembered being carried away to our car with my mom screaming at the waiters

I also remembered some nitwit scream at the end of the hall. "Ma'am, wa pa raba na siya ka badge out!"

Sheyt! So that's what I forgot back at the office! :-O

Epilogue:
I remember waking up the next day at the sofa bed. I remember the guards carrying me there when we got home. I went to my room and scraped chunks of whatever-I-ate-last-night off my soiled and ruined shirt. After taking it off I passed out for good on my bed.

Friends = Enemy
Alcohol = Friend

Thursday, December 21, 2006

Expensive Buko Shake Ever!

Tonight I just drank the most senselessly expensive Brutus Buko Shake in my entire life.

I left work early just so I can show up at a friend's party early. I arrived only to find out that my phone calls were rejected and here I was stuck in the middle of god-knows-where with people giving me that I'm-a-foreigner look. I was here alone out in the open with practically no idea what to do.

She was busy as she said but how can rejected calls be a sign of busyness?

I couldn't go home now since I hadn't eaten and I couldn't just say that I'm early coz the host screwed me at her invitation. I ended up buying a drink at Brutus.

PhP80 for the fare to my bullshit destination
PhP34 for the Buko Shake
PhP105 for the return fare home
PhP90 for the one hour I wasn't working coz I left early

It felt like I just went there to buy Buko Shake! After finishing 3/4 of the shake I went home and even had a hard time getting a ride. I was so frustrated I lost my appetite.

Man, she is soooooo history!

Thursday, December 14, 2006

Loneliness Embraced

Ever since I was in elementary school I was always the person they counted out. Not that I was a freak of some kind that would shun you away at the very sight of me but I was at least, even by my standards today, normal. I was a kid who enjoyed the same things that every other kid wanted. Perhaps the peer pressure of not having what everyone else had made me the outcast or perhaps I was a little too high spirited at that age that kids would consider me - WEIRD.

Anyway, it did hurt me a bit but even since then I had a knack for being resourceful. When the human race turned it's back on me I went somewhere else. Perhaps the imaginary world of a child I created that world. Up to this day I have created an elaborate variety of fictional worlds that may even make any modern day movie to shame. I have explored both reality and fantasy during those lonely times. I went to the library and visited the garden from the micro to the macro points of view. I believe I have learned more than any kid my age ever could. I could literally give the details about grasshoppers, lions, dragons and even ghosts. Nothing wasn't interesting to me. The world became my playground and even my school became too small for me. The world has been shrinking since that day.

In highschool, while my sex-crazed classmates were drooling over teenage girls in other schools I was busy with my own deep thinking. I have been called every imaginable word of ridicule during these times. At first, it was an annoyance but then I began to accept it. This is who I am - different in so many ways to them. What they thought of me is just a paradigm to them. Non-conformance was the outcast's path; a path I took that I did not fear shame or rejection. Few kids survive from this torment - I wasn't one of them. At least I find comfort in the fact that today, these halfwit losers are either dead or miserably married.

A lot of things have lead me to the path of being lonely. Everything I did since my early days has always been deliberate. Since my childhood I have long accepted the fact that I was a loner - someone who thinks differently and shunned by many.

As I think about it today, I kinda like being the way I am now - still a loner. I answer to no one and need no one. There has always been an inexplicable harmony the way I live my life. As long as no one gets in the way, I'll be fine. If anyone gets in the way I run them over. If I can't run them over I eventually find a way to tear them down.

As I have survived more than a full year of bachelorhood I again begin to rekindle this lost appreciation as well. I began to wonder why I gave up THIS life to be dependent on someone else. Sure finding your better half is a good thing but these days it's never that simple and I am not sacrificing this life for something so uncertain. Unless they find a good formula for love I'll take my chances with myself. After all, you can't rush these things. Believe me, I made that mistake four times already. Just like my relationship with every other human being in my life I have learned to accept the fact that we all move on and someone HAS to get left behind or lost along the way. I still cringe at the thought that I find myself needing someone to be by my side; that I would somehow forget what it was like to be alone; that maybe when this sense of dependence is gone I would pathetically brood over a life that I left behind but have returned to.

I sometimes wondered what many twisted paths and chains of thought I took that brought me to this way of thinking. At first I thought it was unusual (something that shouldn't be a surprise given my history of deviance) but then I realized it was just a normal human philosophy that many men before me have thought. "That at the end of the day you only have yourself to make you happy." What the hell, right? It's a rare case to see someone stand by your side through trials and tribulation and defiantly defend you till the ends of the earth. I, for one, have not found such a person except maybe if I were to stare at myself in the mirror everyday.

Yes, I enjoy this life. I have found my peaceful serenity in myself. A chaotic mess of thoughts, dreams, ideas and conception. In this anarchy I have my laws, my rules and my order. It's no wonder why I can't sleep at night; my mind never stops working. My mind is trapped in eternal time. Its sense of imagination still the same since my childhood that I don't know whether to feel ashamed or be proud of it.

Many times in my mind I have imagined myself being alone. Days, months, years and decades. My mind has the uncanny ability to simulate time across ages. I feel no remorse or depression towards loneliness. I sometimes imagined myself marooned on an island. I can't help but wonder why does everyone I know fear being alone? Haven't they figured out that the world of humans is far too evil and corrupt to stress trivial things such as loneliness? The human existence is far too vile that the thought of living together has become somewhat of an uncertain and unstable truce. "Sure we can have peace. Don't mind my nuclear missiles aimed at your house. They're just for insurance." "Insurance for what?" "Insurance that we WILL have peace."

Pathetic.

On the road to self-discovery we pass that same phase akin to the path of recovery from loss. We feel DEPRESSED, IN DENIAL, and finally ACCEPTANCE. I have accepted my lonely life in this lonely world. I embrace it.

Monday, December 11, 2006

Still growing up

It has struck me again. A very familiar thing on my mind such as that of a child growing up. A few months ago I have blogged the joys of my new career. It's not that I am dissatisfied with my job. Every career has its perks and frustrations. The real issue here is that it has lost its magic.

While there's probably nothing wrong with it or it's just me but like anything I chase after in my life becomes meaningless once I have it. It's probably that egotistical manly hormone that's talking right now but it is still worth a listen. Logically speaking, I know it's just me growing up. When the things you do become old it's an obvious sign that your mind is still growing up. As a child we often find ourselves getting bored with our toys, wanting more and more complicated and complex things.

A few months to a few years ago all I could think of was find a place where I could dedicate all my time and energy for the ultimate goal of a company. As I am nearing the 29th year of my existence on this planet I look back at all of it and I ask myself, "Why bother?" Along with this thought I also look back on a few of my recent entries and it does appear to be very inclined to the anti-employment attitude.

While to my colleagues I may now seem like dead weight to them I see this as a good thing. Because unlike them I have moved up a notch in this sense of realization. My goal is no longer to find some place to work and be a corporate bitch while kissing the CEO's ass but to find a way for people to do the same for me. Business is my next step. I'm moving out of the rat race and I want to find a good way to do that. No compensation, retirement pay, or any bonus pay can sway me to change my mind. After all, the catch for such "charges" is to continue being a rat. I'm no rat. I'm a sniveling weasel that will tear down the paradigm that I once cherished.

How could I have been so naive? Ah, the price of growing up!

Sunday, November 26, 2006

Web development failure by committing cardinal sin #1

As part of my experience in the web development field I have learned not to make typical mistakes that spells an all out disaster of a website. Being under the mentorship of a man who was sales, marketing and development all rolled into one, you get to learn a lot of meaningful things. One of the first things NOT to do with a website is to saturate with with features that eventually become useless or hard to maintain.

This week our competitor just released their version of a project we were working for the past year. I can't help but feel amused at the situation. Not that I'm not showing any loyalty to my company, my loyalty lies to my job.

Today, I tried out the site and see how they did their stuff. To my surprise, it was simpler and no nonsense. No hassles, actually. Again, a surge of amusement coursed through my mind. I can't say I'm surprised at this development. We just spend the last year bickering over what field shows up and what it should and should not do. Trivial matters that should have been left trivial. Yet everyday I am treated as if I am not seriously doing my job. Accused of doing unrelated things. I didn't need to explain my actions. This development proves it all. They screwed up even after I warned them again and again not to go overboard with this. It's kinda a ironic how in their desperate and "competent" attempts to simplify customer experience they have dug us into a hole of unconventional, not to mention inconvenient, professional practice, they have also introduced more problems for the user than ever before. It takes an entire day to figure out a workaround for an unusual scenario that can simply be ignored. Yet I have to fix it just because it bothers them. Huh? For that same amount of time I could've spent it on getting major things done.

Why were people who know nothing about websites made to handle this task? Websites are designed to present information to customers/visitors not interact with the lowest levels of an operating system. Yet here we were trying to make it possible. It's not that it's not hard or impossible to do, it was just that it is not a good idea. It just introduces more complications and security implications. We have already been accused once of using spyware and here we are trying to do something suspiciously similar. It's amusing, pathetic and irritating all at once.

It's really sad how in a room full of engineers everyone is right. No one admits to being wrong and no one wants to listen. On top of that everyone in my team has been profiled as choleric temperaments. Unfortunately, I'm the only one who is actually on the frontline of this project is me. The only one competent enough about web-related tasks. Yet here I am being dictated by people who claim to know more about my job than I do. The hypocrisy lies in being reprimanded for not being a team player because I think on my own and yet when something goes wrong because one of them isn't doing their part it's MY fault as if I weren't in a team at all.

I've had it with this. I'm moving on to another rat hole.

Friday, November 03, 2006

Unconditional love? But I just can't...

There are many signs of incompatibility. I have gone such a long way in experiencing different relationships with women from different walks of life and, in a way, learned the different facets of my nation's existence.

If anyone is wondering why I titled my blog like that, well, you’ll see later after I make these random ramblings as part of my point. But to start off my little history lesson, I believe some of my friends know how much of a hopeless romantic I am. Throughout the course of my quest to find Ms. Right I have come across the Ms. Wrongs of my life that have equally taught me the great value of being street smart with love and not just to throw reason outside the door. For that, I am eternally grateful to them. After all, they are the very reason why I am what I am today: A sad, hopeless, frustrated, loveless, sexless and depressed prick that is at the point of giving up. :p

I have learned why a provincial girl who grew up alone in the city ends up as a gold digging social climber who can't have a decent sense of humor and a good understanding of "the real high life". To them, hanging out in cheap bars and cheap drinks is the "high life". Yep, the high life alright! That goes without saying that the people they hang out with are the "high-class" prostitutes who happen to be their classmates (best friends to some) and all the while backstabbing and degrading them in their absence. Ignorance is bliss. These types of people try hard to be like the city folks and in the process end up making fools out of themselves in their desperate attempt to deny their roots. Why can't they just accept where they're from? What's so shameful about it?

I have learned why the poor will always be poor from the daughter of a poor family. This experience taught me that soap operas - Korean, Japanese, Taiwanese or homegrown for that matter - is far more interesting than reading and writing; that who this girl of that show is dating and who is wearing what is far more thrilling than watching a documentary. “Small minds talk about other people.” This is why this community solely thrives on gossip.

In this experience I have also learned the poor quality of education this country has to offer. This girl was a graduate from an education course with a major in English and yet cannot speak a single English sentence without making at least two grammatical errors. Hmm…. Perhaps their kitchen (my specialty) can yield better answers… AND IT DOES!

I was raised from a decent and well-off family and yet I can clean their dishes far better than she could. Rats, which were literally crawling all over their place, have nothing to scrape off the utensils after I was done. I was a miracle worker! I have a scar that proves this. It even took a year for the scar to disappear. It's probably because the damn place is dirty and that crap is probably under my skin. If their minds were as decayed as the sanitation of their kitchen then I wouldn’t be surprised with her degree of mental aptitude. Most people who don’t know any better would probably whine about this comment but we all know for any person to be genetically developed the environment must be conducive for development. Who cares about money as long as you have each other? This passive paradigm is the very core of their social standing. They don’t actually help each other, as what they intend to impart amongst each other, but rather USE each other. Should you be one of the lucky poor chaps who refuse to help your brethren you may end up walking from point A to point B with a knife stuck somewhere in your body. Assuming Point B is your home, you’ll be lucky if it’s still standing.

I was unfortunate enough to stumble twice on these kind of women and, much to my regret, that my dream girl happened to be in this category. These women’s moral? “Bahala’g saging basta labing.” They don’t care if they’re broke as long as they love each other. Duh! Love doesn’t pay the rent last I heard.

I have learned why that book I read about youth and child psychology is correct. That and along with the factors that exist in the previous kinds of women I have mentioned affect their behavior. I did find myself loving younger women. Perhaps even a decade younger than me, which literally puts me within the range of teenagers. Corrupting minors? Please throw me in jail for being so moronic! It’s not their fault for loving me but mine for tolerating it! While I admire their capacity to love blindly and unconditionally the way a child would, this sense of naiveté is not the kind of love I want. That’s just it! It’s just love in its simplest form. Nothing fancy, nothing extraordinary. I simply cannot ask them to appreciate dinner, movie and other romantic things we young adults have grown to love. These days it gets worse, apparently they find sex has much more gravity in a relationship than the nice things like having a long and meaningful conversation without having to listen to every “eww”, “huh” and “yuck” along the way. To them, "I love yous" and other sweet nothings hold more meaning than going the extra mile for your loved one. I know that the first sign of a problem they will leave me here standing with nothing - alone in the world and helpless. Sigh! It’s no wonder why teenage pregnancy is so rampant. Teenagers cannot see beyond the consequences of this act and stubbornly refuse to listen to reason. After all, how can they fathom such level of understanding anyway? I cannot, however, blame them for I have walked that same wretched path of youthful rebellion. It’s the feeling of being invincible without knowing that I can be squashed like a bug by those who know better. Anyway, when reality finally slaps them in the head, it's their life. What made me survive is my sense of “mechanical thinking” as what a friend of mine calls it. I’m a guy who can figure out how something works just by thinking or looking at it. Perhaps it’s this high regard to treat my youthful mate as my equal and my high expectations that has caused me a great deal of disappointment and in the process scare them away. After all, I was under the impression that women think ten years beyond their supposed age. I, myself, have tried to futility to reason with these women (as if that were even possible with women. lol). In the long debate of making them understand I stopped at my tracks and told myself to say no more. Let them learn. To make someone understand, experience is the best teacher, not me. It’s frustrating really. On the bright side, at least they’re acting their age instead of having to deal with women who are close to my age and acting like this group. Hehehe…

In contrast to what I have learned above also, rich brats take this level of frustration even higher. They cost more than a high class hooker. Believe me when I say that you'll get more luck with the hooker and you're not obligated to anything after the debauchery is over. At least you only have to pay once.

I have moved myself up in my career through a multinational corporation I simply cannot stoop back down to small-medium enterprises that is abundant in my hometown. I'm really stuck in a stalemate here. SMEs don’t give me room to go beyond and the little corporations here narrow down my career choices. What’s my point in bringing this up? Just as my career is currently in deepfreeze in this city I also cannot stoop my standards to women who don’t fit the bill of my long list of requirements. It really hurts me how I have to maintain this certain degree of scrutiny when I myself am not supposed to give a shit. Yet here I am meticulously weeding out that one elusive girl that would bring me to my knees. Yet all I seem to have noticed is the opposite happening. If didn’t know any better I’d get laid and get hitched with the first girl who comes falling at my feet. But that’s not me anymore. I can’t go back to who I was before this monolith of an ego for a man.

Before anyone can make a generalized comment of my, oh, too generalized blog, I would like to point out that this judgment does not come without a somewhat twisted reasoning as what most of you may have already figured out by now. Sure, there are good people in all these stereotypes. I know, because I give these women more credit than they deserve and end up very disappointed. You see in newspapers and movies about some of these people moving up in the world but take note that they are extremely unique and exceptional individuals and I even to some extent idolize their accomplishments - accomplishments that I do not dream or just take for granted. You may rarely come across or meet them in the course of your life.

I know I sound more of a perfectionist by not yielding to love as what a lot of people define it but I'm too old to take chances to love unconditionally and I'm too smart to love blindly. I've gone so far to throw it all away on an emotion that no human in history can fathom. I can't afford to put myself through those sleepless nights brooding over trivial things. Those days where I walk around mindlessly completely oblivious of the world around me because some duplicitous witch has just dealt me a killing blow is barely anyone's idea of a happy ending. I sound bitter? No! I'm still all for happy endings with the one you're meant to be. I just want to see this time who stays and who goes. I give my heart the girl who stays behind. So far it has been very effective in saving me unecessary relationships. Reconsider? The world is unreasonable. It doesn't listen to reason. It doesn't listen and doesn't show mercy. I'm just sick and tired of giving something and coming up empty handed. Why do it at all?

I can't fall in love so easily. I can't. I simply can't!

Friday, October 27, 2006

Corporate slave of the rat race

They say pride is a sin. At least in the eyes of the God-makers. I have long had this terrifying impulse to keep my pride so high that everyone literally falls by the sides. Not that it's a bad thing for me but it appears to have brought me so far than the pitiful career moves I have made in the past. Now another corporation seeks to test my patience and they have succeeded well into wearing it thin.

I am a psychological threat to any company I come into contact with for the simple reason of my pride. While my fellow colleagues believe that it is me working for the company I see things in a differently - a way their delusionally ethical professional minds cannot fathom. The company REQUIRES MY services. They have NOTHING to offer me except an idea to work on, which is probably the reason they need me, and MAYBE a sarcastically generous monetary incentive.

I find it really sad how they frantically scurry about trying to please our employer. I probably cannot fathom such pitiful acts of "ass-kissing". Perhaps this is the reason why I move up in the ranks at a snail's pace or not at all. I really don't mind as long as I get to keep my humanity. Ah, but humanity, such is a thing that corporations don't have. Mindless, heartless and manipulative akin to a woman's nature. Figures. Virtually everything in this world is relative to a woman's temperament, which is probably no wonder my colleagues desperately try to please them with hypocritical intentions akin to a teenage boy lured by a cheerleader with the promise of sex. Fortunately for me, I have learned to speak their language for as long as I am in their turf I am just as mindless and heartless as they are. This means that I could give a rat's ass if the company is losing their precious income. If the company is healthy or if it is in dire straits, I really don't care. Why should I? You think they'd really care if I get downsized? You think they'd care if you miss your children's dance recital because of some fuckwad in the office who can't manage his time is requesting for an overtime till God-knows-what-time? You think you're really on vacation? Why would they want you to be in touch? You think they'd really care if you have personal problems that affects your work? You do your job, PERIOD. That's reality! So don't bleed your heart to their company woes nor feel sorry for your boss. As long as you're at the office you're not supposed to have a heart. Simple as that.

Why am I not like them? Why do I not bend over and take it in the ass like they do? The answer I something I have related even during my college days. Why tremble and shudder before my teacher when I am their employer? Without me they don't have a job. I pay their salary and that's a fact!

How does that apply to my career? Corporations are being run and kept alive by employees and not by the employers. They definitely cannot run the company themselves. Without us they are nothing. This is their psychological edge that I have learned to turn against them. Unfortunately, almost all of use cannot or refuse to realize this fact of life: That we are all part of a race - the infamous rat race that we have blindly followed to no end.

I am, for some reason, not financially motivated. I cannot be bought by monetary means alone. No, I am not the son of a rich tycoon nor an heir to a thriving business empire as I have stated a long time ago and I want to make that clear since most of the people I know are fond of making that assumption. They think so because only a person with that caliber can manage to ditch his job with nothing to lose. It's just that I have gone beyond what common culture have been accustomed to. I am an anomaly. I'm like one of those people who have awoken from The Matrix. I am no longer part of the system. What I found so surprising is that it really doesn't take a sacrifices. It's just putting your mind in perspective and getting a new professional paradigm. If indeed we are the ones who work for our companies why were they the ones who picked out from the dozens of losers (or winnners) out there? You were the one who applied for the job you said? I believe you submitted your resume to a dozen companies as well. So it's basically an ad campaign on your part that your services are for sale. You didn't just hand pick one company that REQUIRES YOUR SERVICES. No one with your skill is that naive and stupid. So you're putting yourself up for grabs with other companies that would probably kill to have someone like you on board. They can never say you're expendable or that you're expected to do their bidding with the threat of unemployment. If they didn't want you around they'd have done it already. They don't just go around talking about it. Your absence will put their company to a screeching halt. So if there's anyone who makes the rules it should be you!

My advice to the working class is simple. NEVER KNEEL TO YOUR COMPANY because you are the one that runs their business, not them! If they feel you should be held down by house rules then maybe they should start running their business singlehandedly. If they think you're expendable, we'll see. Remember, there are still good companies out there so if you think about it, THEY are expendable. Your services are for sale and you have advertised it. People eventually wake up and when they do, companies get slapped with a reality check. So don't lose hope. We are what makes the world move!

Corporations are unstable. The only thing more unstable than the people running them is their collective existence. After all, a group of imperfect humans can NEVER make a perfect world.

We are not slaves! We are not rats! We are free!

Saturday, October 21, 2006

Marriage? Fools rush in - always!

My father consistently reminds me that having a grand wedding like they do in the local Chinese communities or in the celebrity marriages that gains nationwide coverage is pointless. You spend a large sum of your hard-earned money for the in-laws' families and you invite even more freeloaders who will not give a flying fuck what happens to the both of you after that day.

To put it simply, here's a favorite line I saw in a movie where this old guy says: "Marriage is an expensive celebration. You spend a million bucks for that day and you spend the rest of your life paying for it."

This consistent annoyance in relation to my age is taking it's toll on my patience. For the Nth time I'm asked that dreaded question that most my age would probably cringe at the thought. Marriage. People ask my age and I'm immediately slapped with the question of why I still have not tied the knot. What the hell... Was there a rule, written or unwritten, that I have to frantically get married at my age? Like this was part of the already needless rat race I'm already participating. (The worst part though is that I am totally aware of this but still continue to tread on.) Supposing history and law did exist for a long time, why didn't they bug Jesus when he wasn't married at 32? I was told there was some sacred law for this. Maybe if they crucified him for that same reason I would be as frantic today as a lemming on steroids.

Somehow this question brings me back to a time in my life related to that nosy question teenagers ask why you don't have a boyfriend/girlfriend. With that thought in mind I can simply just rant out that this is my life and I decide when and where I do things in my own time. I know that it is probably pointless to snap back because all I will ever get is a rhetoric stare implicating doubt on my sexuality. Let it be.

I enjoy my freedom. For every man out there who hasn't been there and done it, we do know the joys of this life. Why be in a rush? Good things come to those who wait. I have not reached that part of my life where I have grown up in this chapter. Perhaps I am not ready for it because I do not see the need for it.

So for everyone who has doubts or questions as to my bachelorhood, EAT YOUR HEART OUT! If it bothers you so much then YOU GET MARRIED. LOL.

Saturday, September 30, 2006

The worthless gray area

My father, a lawyer of 40 years, once told me it took a million laws to reinforce the ten commandments. In spite of all those laws, someone still manages to slip through. That's how uncertain our Constitution is - no nation, culture or religion is an exception.

If there ever was a right and wrong then we wouldn't need lawyers to justify our crimes. We wouldn't have to reason out our guilt and find excuses in the midst of overwhelming facts.

As I kept hearing everyday is that the world is not black and white and that most people lived in a gray area. I somewhat likened this gray area to the word "MAYBE". Yes, maybe it's right and maybe it's wrong. Maybe I should do this or maybe I should do that.

If laws of man were made to decide the guilty and the innocent then a lawyer would not have to answer me with "it depends" (aka "maybe") when I present him with a certain scenario. Yet here we are everyday, fully booked for the next decade of cases in every courtroom around the world.

Bottom line is that the world is full of people undecided and uncertain of what they want in life and that's why everyone is in this shithole they call life.

I am a person who does not and will never consider the gray area as part of my life. For me, it's either black or white, yes or no. And while I have heard of the saying about the people living in the gray area this is definitely the group I don't want to tolerate. For some reason, I consider the" gray area" or "maybe" as some sort of display of uncertainty. It's someone who can't make up their damn mind and that's how I see this gray area. It could also mean that these people don't take sides, which I believe is bullshit. I don't need people like that in my life or anyone's life for that matter. For me, these are people who believe in nothing and just around savoring the fruits of what the rest of the blacks and whites dish out.

Why do I cringe at this very paradigm of the gray area? Because it gets us nowhere. Imagine where successful people would be today if they dealt with "maybes" and "it depends". They make up their minds by asking "what ifs" and come up with a "yes" or "no".

If I find myself myself undecided I make up my mind and find a way to make a sensible decision. If I make mistakes along the way that can easily be corrected by making more decisions along the way. Either way, I have to take a side and not in between.

There is a reason for duality, a side to every story.... The reason why the gray area exists is because everyone never tells the truth.

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

I still think of her...

It's been 5 years since I've last laid eyes on her. Up until this very moment her sensual visage is still etched in my very soul - a part of me that I can't seem to let go. Why do I cling to her long after we have parted ways never to see each other again? Why do I find myself whispering her name even though I know she's thousands of miles from me? Most of all, why do I still harbor my feelings for her knowing her heart belongs to someone new and probably countless relationships after me?

With her past in mind, she wasn't exactly the girl whom I would take home to my mother but with a statuesque figure and innocent smile like hers nobody could turn her away. She was a far cry from her former self. Nobody could recognize her the way she is now.

In spite of all her past experiences I accepted her and never once held it against her. I loved her then and I still love her now. Maybe I will never stop loving her. In fact, I loved her so much I set her free, as the old saying goes. Why we parted ways, is a shameful and traumatic experience that neither of us will probably ever tell.

I loved this girl - this woman - for the simple reason that she was THE ONE. The one person where every potential mate will be judged. Smooth brown skin, an innocent face to melt my heart and a tall, slender frame rivaled my own height. I have met countless others along the way. Perhaps the reason why I never pursued any meaningful relationship to this day was for the simple reason that no one could ever measure up to her. This woman was the goddess of my heart and soul that at her presence I humbled myself. She was a strong-willed woman who controlled her life. I never found a girlfriend that had that much strength in her. Up to this day I never had. Everyone was just weak. The one thing that I savored was her body against me and my arms around her.

There were two moments in our brief time together that I still look back every day of my life.

1.) It was raining outside their house one night, I began telling her about how much I enjoyed being in the rain. She thought I was insane. After her sister second the motion of my perfect sanity I dared her to go outside and see what it felt like to stand in the rain without thinking of anything else. As I stood there in the rain with her watching me under the roof, we stared at each other for a moment. She eventually walked towards me looking up at the night sky. She playfully tried to drink the raindrops telling me she remembered her home province in the mountains. I kissed her. The next thing I knew was the rain slightly getting harder and here we were making out - both of us topless! We've been together for just a couple of weeks but this was the longest time we've ever kissed. The back of their house was totally dark with no lights. Here we were, half-naked in the dark with the rain pouring down on us. My love and my goddess was in my arms feeling her wet skin next to me and kissing her soaked body all over. The experience was just... SEXY! I'll never forget that moment. God, what I wouldn't give to do it again. I guess that explains why I have an unusual affinity to rain.

2.) We just made love that day. Although I really wasn't up to the task I felt that by the way she held my hand she was happy for she never held my hand that fully and so closely before. We were at a jeepney stop waiting for her to catch a ride home. She was silent but occasionally made light conversation with me. When a ride finally came she made a few steps forward just enough for our arms to stretch away from each other but her hands still lovingly clutching mine. She took me by surprise! She looked briefly at the jeep then turning suddenly towards me she gave me a deep but soft kiss. There was a silent hum in her voice as she kissed me. What they say is true, that one moment in time where you experience true happiness, the whole world stops and there's just you and your loved one - everyone else ceased to exist. That kiss probably lasted no more than 2.5 seconds and yet it felt we were there for ages. I-WAS-IN-LOVE.

She's gone now. For some unknown will of God I lost her and she's now traveling in different places far away from me. So far that the chances of me ever seeing her in this lifetime are as slim as winning the lottery - and I'd pick her over the lottery anytime! I owe her in some way. I may have gone to the point that I would never choose a woman over material things. After all, you rarely lose things but losing women are inevitable. But just for once I'd like everyone to know that once in my life I valued someone more than anything else. Anyway, I'm still here and I have long accepted the fact that we were never meant to be together. For whatever greater plan the powers that be may have I sure hope it was worth their decision for it is not my place or my skill to decide the bigger picture of my life. After all, I still considered our brief moment together as some kind of dream that I eventually woke up - lucid yet eventually tragic.

That woman barely told me she loved me. I could only count the times she ever did. But that one fateful day when our relationship would take a tumultuous turn, she told me for maybe the last time those three words I've always wanted her to say.

It's funny really. I've had relationships before and after her. They spared no expense in telling me how much they loved me. Yet here is this woman; who barely tells me she loves me; who is always afraid to tell me how much she cared and I'm eternally head over heels over her. It wasn't easy to doubt her considering it wasn't easy for her to say.

Did she love me? I'll probably never know and I probably never will. Yes, she may have used that phrase rarely and sparingly but when the time came she said "I love you"... I believed her.

I know now she's moved on and so have I. All good things somehow come to an end regardless of our denial in it; regardless of our passivity towards it; regardless of our fear against it.

For you,

You once asked me to promise you not to do anything to destroy myself in honor of our love that was perfect. I'm still here. I'm still alive.

Monday, September 18, 2006

Faith No More

Faithlessness. This is what I am...or is it? By whose rights, culture and religion define my beliefs? By whose definition and judgement does it define my "sin" or my "heresy".

I am a believer of sorts - someone who has shaped his very beliefs to his own life's understanding. I was born with a religion once but that was when I was forced to choose one and ONLY one, which was a clear violation of my civil rights. For a large fraction of my life I spent kissing the anal receptacle of religious authority up until when I realized the truth - that every religion, no matter how noble, how righteous, how dignified they seem were in fact, SAVAGES. I've realized that no religion is "pure" even if they claim their actions were just. I am instinctively a man of questioning nature. Someone who doesn't follow beliefs blindly. The only thing I can offer others is my loyalty. I don't have to know what you know. I don't even have to believe what you believe. But as long as we live on this same earth I continue to listen to you and if you give me an ideal I can work with I will follow anyone.

But the fact remains that I don't follow by religious faith. As sadistic and violent I can be by nature I am still a civilized human being. But what defines "civilization"? The laws of a certain race or culture? What defines good and evil?

I ask these questions because as much as I admit that I have sinned, who will judge my actions as a sin? As I write this entry I'm pretty sure that a good number of "religious" people will brand me an anti-christ, a satanist, a heathen, a heretic and my personal favorite - a blasphemer. To put it simply, as long as I don't follow anyone's beliefs I will be branded as an outcast. It's not because I am evil it's because I do not conform and comply with the general public's ideals. As one famous line once said: "Traitors are not defined by themselves but by the people they betrayed." What that means is I am either good or bad based on everyone's pitiful, desperate and narrow-mindedness. The true judge here is not God but people. Everyone claims to know what God wants, what God feels and what God thinks. But when confronted with this fact I am faced with thousands of years worth of well-versed, well-practiced, and virtually memorized list of excuses. Why else did they fabricate their "sacred text"? To document their excuses, course! In other words, I'm just told to believe. Don't ask questions. Just stand there like an idiot. If everyone else is out there doing the same no one really notices "that the emperor is naked". I expected no less from them. That's why I feel it pointless to argue and instead resort to this entry in which none of you sorry ass retards can ever debate.

If I were born during the time of the peak of their influence, I would be stoned, hanged, burned, whipped, crucified or raped (yep, that's one of the unknown facts of these religions). In case you're too stupid to realize the obvious, why would I follow a religion dedicated to promoting peace and humanity but actually have perfected methods of torture? Ironic as it is, where else would you find hypocrisy except from the one place who defined words such as these? Some have gone as far as declaring their beliefs as "not a religion" to exclude themselves from the commonality. Religion is religion. Call it what you want but it's still the same to me and I would be a fool not to realize that.

The sad truth about religion is that none of them were ever created by Gods but by men and men alone - out of fear, out of desperation and out of ignorance. Men by nature have low self-esteem. Without the belief of a higher being, man would simply crumble in self-pity and helplessness. A creature without a purpose. I have outgrown such childish beliefs and accepted reality that you face the world just like every creature on earth. You come and you go. I don't need a higher being to tell me my purpose. My purpose is for me alone to decide.

No religion is pure. I don't want your excuses and I don't want your scriptures and lies. End of story. PERIOD. I'm shutting you out just as you shut out everyone else from questioning you.

It's not that I don't believe in a higher being (a God so to speak), I just don't want to follow spiritual beliefs fabricated by men for whatever reason (try ignorance) throughout history and then "marketed" to the masses. It just doesn't work for me! I'd rather be a devil in the eyes of a church and be free than to be a saint and be their slave.

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

Realizing my roots


Today I just had an epiphany - a realization. It's amazing how you can get lost in the tangles of the web and weird things you discover while following links. Watching a certain porn movie about pirates actually spawned my curiosity about pirates in story. Out of the curiosity of pirates I actually stumbled upon their existence in Spanish history and eventually Mexico. I remembered my father mention that our earlier descendants was one of Mexico's national heroes.

Like all futile battles for freedom he was himself arrested and shot. Just like the fate of all heroes who fought for their people he was shot in a firing squad, which was reminiscent of Spanish justice during those times. And just like the fate of all idealists, my ancestor was stripped of everything he had. Humiliated, discredited, made to look like a fool and his family cursed by the legal system for all eternity, he died a criminal - a nobody. That's what the Spaniards wanted him to be. It would be long after his untimely demise that he would be recognized by the modern citizens as a hero.

This man strove hard to do things I would only imagine. The gratification he would reap would only come long after his existence. I keep thinking about the things I took for granted in my life. Things that he would've killed for to have. Yet here I am throwing it all away as if I saw it everyday, which I myself knew I didn't. Here again I am stuck with that same pondering moment if I should do something great with my life as he did. I would hate to be a big disappointment to my bloodline.

I realized that I am too selfish and too passive to do anything that would require positive results that would arrive longer than a few minutes. I am too impatient for delayed gratifcation and my impulsive behavior to act too quickly is my weakness. But I have improved everyday not to jump to conclusions, not to act too rashly. Fools, after all, do rush in.

I look back at his legacy, perhaps this day I found him was my moment to discover who I am and where I came from. I may not be special like he was but I had the power to make it so. Perhaps I've had the ability shape the world all along, I just don't know it yet.

Oh, well, "he who knows but he knows not he knows. He is a fool. Shun him!" I will remember this until I find more answers. My questioning nature has brought me to a man I never knew but his blood is in my veins. Perhaps his passion carries inside me too.

Saturday, September 09, 2006

The moronic idea of going abroad


It's all over the place. Everyone want to take up some "in demand" job because "Uncle Sam wants YOU to be his BITCH!" (and that's reading between the lines). What's really shocking is that, we Filipinos, a proud race, who won't even lift a finger to fix our own damn country, who wouldn't let our own kind stare us down, actually succumb to this type of economic SLAVERY. You think running away and kissing some foreign ass is going to change the inconsiderate, irresponsible and immature nature of your past? You think the idiotic excuse that this country has no hope is reason enough for you to leave? What have you done for it then if you think it's so terrible? Grow up!

Oh, you think taking up nursing or some other course that EVERYONE else is taking is going to increase your chance of earning in dollars? God, how naive are you? The local universities and other educational centers have increased the passing percentage of in-demand jobs abroad. Now unless you are exceptionally good, which I believe only a fraction of you are, there's NO CHANCE in hell you're getting out of this country alive. It's part of the egotistical motives of the academe to make the rest of us feel like retards. By the way, need we remind them that is OUR sorry asses that pay for THEIR SALARIES?

You study to get out of your province so you can be placed in another one in some distant hospital or furniture store miles away from civilization. You're no better off than where you are now! You think that they would place you in some large city like New York or Los Angeles? No! They're not putting you there - EVER. Why? They are not in demand there! The harsh truth is their remote areas are in demand. So you can kiss your anticipated party life good bye. Here's another reality check, they love their own more than you hate your country. So before they hire you, they hire one of their FIRST before you. You are not important and you are not the priority. Unemployment, especially in the States, is high so don't think for one second they'll consider you before their citizens.

Your family is here, your heart is here and your LIFE is here. It is the inescapable fact of your being. Just because another nation starts bitching doesn't mean you have to go to great lengths to chase after someone else's whining demands, which is akin to a man waving a piece of meat to a hungry dog. Are you a dog? Uncle Sam's bitch?

Most of all, the idea of going abroad is a sign of your inability to survive and consequently your apparent inability to be economically resourceful in this country. If you can't make it here you won't make it anywhere else. You have to think that a good number of people here managed to do quite above the average level. There's no excuse for you not be the successful with a little - a LOT of - hard work. I know why you want to leave. You think it's the "easy" way - again another Filipino mentality that spawns misguidance and ignorance. There is no success in buying lotto tickets or stripping clothes for everyone's perverse consumption but soulessness. Success is made through seizing the moment of need not packing up and leaving. There is wealth here, I assure you. You just have to know where to find it.

You think migration is easy? Hmm... Let's think about this: 4 years to finish a course. Probably more years trying to save the money to leave - traveling costs money, duh! And IF you want to move a little faster a good sum of that money will be BRIBING again your own fellow man to get things moving. IF and ONLY IF you're lucky to find someone to lend you money to leave, how are you going to pay up if in the LIKELY event you don't make it? When and IF you get there, 1st world countries are competitive, can you survive the pressure being raised in a country that is waaaaaaay laid back, you big, fat, lazy prick? If it is in demand NOW then you should be going there NOW not spending YEARS prepping to go there. What's your assurance your services are still needed?

I became a programmer because it was one of my childhood careers. I assure you it was not intentional that in the late 90s they became in demand. I'm glad I didn't push myself abroad because today, thousands of my kind lose their jobs every month. This is a fact of life - no exceptions. It doesn't matter if you're a doctor, engineer, architect, social worker and ESPECIALLY a nurse. Remember, if there's too many of you or they can't afford you, it's time to drop the weights.

Think about it. Run all you can but you're killing the rest of us. Are you part of the problem or part of the solution?

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Earth Is Hell... and we're in it!

This is something you might wanna think about, ladies and gentlemen.

All throughout my life I have observed that the guy upstairs would take the good people off this pitiful excuse of a thing we call life.

I have come to the frustrating conclusion that I have no reason to fear hell. The simple reason being that I am already here so I think it is somewhat pointless to start praying to God not to send me here. So whatever religious retard wants to comment about the tortures of hell you can shut your faggot trap because you and I are on the same hell. So if you're concerned about not going to hell how about you start praying for God to get you out of here. I'll bet your prayer time is going to double.

Why have I come up with this "stupid", "moronic", "silly" - and all the other pathetic/pitiful yet motivational terms you religious losers like to call it - conclusion? Well, because all the good people have dropped dead and here I am stuck in this world with the assholes, hormone junkies (men who are so much in denial of their homosexuality), faggots and ugly people. I must've done something wrong in my previous life as I cannot see no apparent reason why I should be stuck here. I think it's mainly because I try so much to be an asshole and am addicted to making others miserable so they can stay in hell forever. Here's another interesting finding, the more obsessed you are with God the more he'll stash you here because he doesn't want an annoying prick kissing His holy ass all the time. Think along the lines of a crazed fan so why don't you get a fucking life, church junkie! The only reason you're in there is because you can't get a normal social life!

It's really simple. If you're good, you're dead. If you're bad, God will condemn you to the eternal pits of hell, which is pretty much similar to what you see outside the window. Now go outside and kill yourself. If you're lucky you might actually succeed.

Sunday, August 27, 2006

My Reality Sucks

I live in a dream. Such is the fate of someone whose attention span is shorter than that of a cicada on steroids.

Up until seven years ago I have been reminded again and again of the harsh realities of, well, REALITY.

Reality struck me one afternoon when a friend of mine lent me a video of the well sought after "USC Scandal". In my childish mind, watching porn would mean seeing someone like Jenna Jameson do two or three guys, probably with massive tools, at once. Reality is watching two of my highschool hearthrob classmates do an anonymous campus slut with their less than satisfactory weiners - much to the dismay of the female populace on campus. "Welcome to the real world" was what I told myself after watching that video.

I admit that I practically spent a small fraction of my life in the real world. Delusion would eventually mark me as an outcast for the rest of my academic years. I would mostly spend hours in the classroom just looking out the window daydreaming of a perfect world. I would sometimes imagine myself having the perfect job and being able to do it in a breezy way. Reality is a Fortune 500 corporation outsourcing employment to my country. Instead of hiring on of their kind they hire like a dozen people here equivalent to the salary for one theirs. If I didn't know any better I want to be paid the same rate. I don't care if I suck at my job, they don't care about me anyway. If ever I'd spend the rest of my life being a rat just like everyone else then I'd also make it so these companies who hire me end up in a stalemate. Reality is a 2 year contract that says you you can't sue the company but the company can sue you.

Women are also a part of my delusional fantasies about love. I often dreamed of finding my ideal mate one day. There I should be with my arms around her and her lips on my cheek. A consolation would be that at least I'd get lucky at least once a week. Reality is a sexually transmitted disease should you plan to indulge in deviant sexual acts. Proctor and Gamble would be so proud of me. If you plan to ideally commit to women these days? Reality is a heartless bitch who is just along for the ride.

Lastly is my dream of a beautiful city that I like to live in. A city with wide streets, wide sidewalks and responsible people. Reality is road poorly builty because government officials stole half of the expenses and said it's all there. Reality is the citizens crossing the roads as if there aren't any vehicles that's going to run them down in to oblivion. Reality, however, is the car cannot stop on time and velocity is the bigger reality than flesh and bones.

Reality is the government employee doing nothing behind the desk being paid a hefty sum by yours truly.
Reality is the small salary your receive because some asshole across the globe can't afford to hire someone just like him.
Reality is the IQ of your officemate goes lower as their position goes higher.
Reality is your butt ugly girlfriend when in your mind you're screwing Eva Mendes.
Reality is you can't afford a good girlfriend.
Reality is NO ONE is created equal.
Reality is you'll spend the rest of your life working for someone else.
Reality is loyalty goes to the highest bidder.
Reality is nobody's perfect.
Reality is you can't accept nobody's perfect.
Reality is there is no God.
Reality is money makes reality. Did I mention somewhere along the lines of "it can buy happines"?
Reality is death.

This is reality. Welcome to the real world, asshole.

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Filipino Pride - Imported?

The question would be where is it? Has the pride of my countrymen been misguided? I honestly don't remember the last time I've seen good Filipino talent that I could sincerely say is homegrown.

Except for that Ayala commercial, it's everywhere in the country - especially celebrities and socialites. Either some punk kid - who I'd initially assume is gay - or some decent looking girl who turns out to be a slut from god-knows-where in Europe. What do they have in common? Well, nothing actually aside from the fact that their Nth degree bloodline is Filipino and we, the ignorant lovers of western culture and ethnic perfection love the thought that we have a beautiful genetic product from an evidently overpowered gene. These degenerates from where they come from have decided to flee to a country they barely know "to start a new life" so to speak. After a few tequila shots at the night clubs and a couple more undisclosed acts with the local "talent fags". Bingo! I'm on Pinoy Big Fucker (actually that remark wasn't really fair considering I have never seen this show. Sorry.).

Ladies and gentlemen, in the LIKELY event that you'll get lucky with these bitches & ho's please take extra care by wearing two condoms. It doesn't matter what appendage of your body you'll be using just use condoms to show that YOU CARE ABOUT YOUR SORRY-ASS SELF, pervert!

Unless, you're a Filipina with T&A (tits & ass for you conservative types) and a perverted aura, you really have no chance against these "Filipino imports" who are technically not Filipino - not by a long shot. You think your coming here and learning our language with your accent counts you as Filipinos? Hell no! It's no wonder our own talents have resorted to those degrading sex movies! It's even at the cost of our country's image!

It saddens me that although I initially thought that Filipinos were blind to race and culture is actually a racist just like everyone else in the world and the victims are it's own. The irony! :(

Even in the newspaper it sickens me. The column would introduce a Ms.-I-Don't-Give-A-Shit who took up this what-the-hell-is-that course in some "prestigious" university with mommy and daddy's help because an undeground syndicate has formed a plot against their baby. Now G.I. Joe and Barbie wants to set up shop here in our country and plans to apply what they learned with their MBA (MASTER BULLSHITTER AWARD). After one year of their so-called business they decided to close shop because the area was not "feasible". Duh! You should have figured that out before you started, master bullshitter! Where's the media then? Forgotten and as obsolete as the Macarena. Why not introduce rags to riches stories of true blue Filipinos who made it big, guys? A good article would be a story about someone who didn't have what these unbearable spoiled hobgoblins have when they were kids yet managed to humble them in every possible way. That way we'd all be inspired by them instead of feeling so miserable and insignificant with your columns. What's the matter? They don't pay you enough to catch your attention? Perhaps if they screwed some councilor it would be more intesting, ey?

Even this simple little thing: I once had a girlfriend whose father was Spanish-American. Suffice it to say she definitely looked like a typical white girl. Hell, I shit you not when she made friends over at this out of town barrio, everyone wants her to be the godmother of this wedding and that baptism. Blah blah blah... No big deal, ey? Except I know for a fact that this continuous streak of invitations could only mean they want some white girl to show off to the rest of the town. It's pathetic really. I felt sorry for her.

One last thing, don't give me that "It's still Filipino pride because they are one of us" shit coz you can flip the world over a dozen times and it still doesn't change the fact that we, as a country, have no pride at all in our own kind. Before you reason out like the pitiful shallow 3rd world country that we are, think long and hard about what you're really proud of because I know it isn't ours. Are you proud that they are Filipinos, which they are evidently not, or are you proud that they are Filipinos mixed with genes from races that you consider greater than our own?

For the record, Filipinos have more mixed blood than these two-bit freaks from outer space.

My non-existent fighting spirit

Sifting through the net and searching for reputable bloggers I cannot help but notice that there is actually a whole different world with bloggers. Communities, syndications, directories and the like seem to have littered the web with aspiring writers, journalists, lunatics, homicidal maniacs and all the normal people I see everyday. In this case I have the uneasy acceptance that fiction, as of the moment, is stranger than fact. Let's forget this little anomaly for the moment and reflect on the fact that I am again left with a voluntary decision to put my balls out there for everyone else to see.

It all began when mommy refused to buy me that G.I. Joe action figure and everything else in my life went spiraling down to this pitiful excuse for a rat caught in the rat race. NO, wait, that's another story. :p

Anyway, as I was saying, I was left with a trivial decision that needed some pondering. Not that I would end up saying 'yes' anyway but it was still a dilemma that seems to taunt my self-esteem. Fact is, I was never a joiner. No, not like Batman! Sure, I've got some "skillz" in many things - PC gaming to mention a few. Honestly, in all my life I have never had anything that was worth fighting for except myself.

I practically don't have any competitive gene in my body. If you would challenge me to a duel, I would probably end up breaking your face but not to the extent that anyone would say I won the fight. But I would definitely make sure you wouldn't win either. In a fight between me and you, nobody wins. Even in the unlikely event that you can win, I'd make sure that your victory was a costly one. One day you'll wake up and ask yourself was it really worth to beat the living shit out of me? Let me give you a hint: It's not exactly the type of story you'd tell your grand kids about - or your boyfriend, fag!

Perhaps this is the main reason why I haven't done anything worth weighing in gold. Some of my highschool and elementary classmates - and I emphasize "SOME" considering the majority have ended up sorry ass losers because it's either they don't know how to use a fucking condom or have self-esteem lower than my own, which I initially thought was impossible - have actually made it big in the world. Some are running their own businesses, which I believe came from mommy and daddy's help, or have flourishing careers in prestigious companies around the globe and in places that would probably take me 100 years to save up for it. This really isn't a good sign.

To name one pointless and unrelated example: even as a kid when my mom signed me up for a (promising?) modeling career. But that was back in the days before multi-cultured, but mainly Western blood mixed Filipinos were the main criteria and fags called the shots. I hated the fact that I would subject myself at a potentially vainful act at such a young age. Wise I was beyond my years that I did not succumb to such forms of vanity - but mainly because I took steroids that made my hormones rise beyond natural levels.

Medals, awards and other pieces of shit people get for their own personal delusions of grandeur really isn't my field. Nevermind the fact that, although most of them are supposedly humble and down to earth, they end up as senile arrogant bastards who like to talk on hours end about the good ol' days where he got laid every night because he can jump higher than anyone else. Deep inside any competitive heart is really just another greedy, self-centered prick who wants all the attention. "No, I'm really just a regular guy. I never expected any of this fame." You're pathetic!

Fact of the matter is, I still don't want to have to do anything with everyone else. I have always had this impulse where I really despise being like everyone else. I really don't like following the fads or the "in" things. I just simply want to be me and not looking like some drug-crazed rock star or tough-looking gangsta wannabee or some pubic-haired reggae artist, which is pretty much what everyone else is. Being in the rat race is punishment enough for me.

Monday, August 21, 2006

Got Mikey's attention

Well, at least it's better than nothin. http://mikey.i.ph/blogs/mikey/?p=679

Apparently, master blogger internet (porn) star is a little upset of the title of my link to him. I don't really read his stuff frequently but it really is a good laugh from time to time to pay a visit. So my apologies, Mike, if I didn't update my links but, NO, the comment stays! :p Leave it the rest of the readers to decide if I have bad taste in people to look up to.

Friday, August 18, 2006

Waiting for the next one.

Ok. More advice for the broken-hearted. I swear, if I make 50 more pages of this kind of thing, I could write a book and make a killing! Hell, it will probably save around $1,000 to pay the shrink, which is probably too much to pay someone to teach you something that can easily be addressed by common sense. Duh!

Ok so here it goes. Some people find someone new with a flick of a finger or maybe the very next day. I've tried getting a rebound and also tried being the rebound.

One thing I did notice are the gaps in between. Someone once said that nothing can be useful - like the space between the four walls make up a house. I had no idea it would also be applicable in breakups. I realized now that the breathing space you take between relationships is actually a better headroom to grow. I did learn a lot while being single than being in a relationship.

Here's another interesting thing: The longer the gap between relationships the better condition you'll be in once the next one comes along. I'm not exactly sure, but I think it has to do with getting over. I've had a girlfriend in just a month after the previous one. I've also had a girlfriend one year after the previous. Believe me, the effects of both are different even if their places were exchanged. One girl has to catch the shit coming from the last one and the other one has to deal with nothing at all. I regret the former relationship but as I look back at it now, it was worth the price although the price I paid was the expense of someone else's broken heart.

Here's what I understood: The longer the space you put between partners, the more recuperating time you get. I believe that the more time you spend alone after a break-up purges the pain, the memories and most ESPECIALLY the bitterness.

Honestly, do you want your new found love to be the catcher of all your relationshp woes? The dilemmas and the such? Nobody deserves that kind of experience! If you want them to be happy, you YOURSELF must be happy with yourself. Always be ready for the next one by clearing out your head. Trust me, the enthusiasm you have with a new relationship is directly proportional to the waiting time you had them. A few weeks and a year makes a lot of difference! ;)

As for me, a year really did me wonders. ;) In fact, I found my favorite relationship after a 1year waiting period. Up to this day our relationship was still memorable.

Saturday, July 08, 2006

What becomes of the broken-hearted

Last night I spent some time with a female friend of mine. She was somewhat distressed when I saw her the morning of that day. She told me she had a huge problem in her relationship. Knowing her, I assumed it was probably those same moments in her life again.

So there I was with her eating at a Korean restobar. (She loves Korean food) She ordered two types of pork meals. Having had dinner with my managers a few hours before I really wasn't up to the task of dining with her. It didn't matter anyway because after she started to pour out her frustrations she really didn't notice I haven't touched my meal. Never in my life have I seen a woman take in that much food in one seating. She ate every meal we ordered including that large pot of stewed pork that I didn't bother to know what it was. She just kept crying and I just couldn't console her although I did manage to get her to laugh once in a while.

I watched as this girl crumbled before me. She was so in love with her man that she really didn't care what he did to her. I resisted the urge to tell her to let go because I know at that moment it was really pointless. I watched in silence as I listened intently to her mindless yammering. Mindless in a sense that she was still engrossed in her feelings for him. There was really no stopping her.

Not long ago I was somewhat in her place. She was there when I also poured my heart out. Not that it was any good anyway since I wasn't the type who shares much about himself except, maybe, my sexcapades, which probably is more than I care to divulge - especially to a woman. I went with her to return the favor. It feels good to pay your side of the emotional debt. :) Yet I was still powerless to help her except just sit there and watch her fall apart.

Something about that experience made me think that God was, in fact, teaching me a lesson. The girl wasn't the one who was being taught a lesson because she was told that over and over again.

That night was mine to discover. There I was looking down at her listening to her feelings and quiet sobs. I realized that this was what a girl becomes if you break her heart. I realized that this is how much a girl could love a guy. This knowledge now gave me a new sense of understanding as well as the potential power to misuse it. God was telling me something.

I've known girl friends who would share to me their heartaches. But I've never stuck around to see anything like this. I've never actually seen a woman who was hopelessly in love with someone. Yet something told me that I was candidly looking at the women I have loved before embodied by this one woman. I cannot help but think this girl was my ex crying her heart out over the times I've hurt her.

What broke her heart and why she acted like she did is something I promised not to share with anyone. Although I didn't get her to get over the guy. I just told her that her decision is hers alone. I bid her goodnight when I dropped her home and relished the thought that I did my part in keeping her together as much as I could.

She will be okay. She's as strong as I have known her. Although she was really in bad shape than I've ever seen her she will survive it just like everything else.

Monday, July 03, 2006

How were you cheated?

Believe it or not you can tell about the character of your infidel partner by who or what reasons they have for cheating on you. While the age-old debate of whether cheating is poetic justice or just plain a sin still rages on I crack down on the psychological side of things. If I am too blunt on saying some of them, I apologize but reality is reality.

They've found some one new

This can be many factors. The possibilities are endless but who they replaced you with is a sign of what you are lacking and it basically shows what kind of a person your partner is.

The 3rd party:
  • is rich
While it is in the nature of women to find the mate that will make her secure for the rest of her life her heart will always try to overlook that. The fact that she is into this guy right now is because you hadn't given her the affection she needs. Most girls will always fall head over heels over someone who can give them the affection they want. They can overlook your weaknesses if they know you'll always be there for them.

For the guy? Well, if a guy is looking for some rich girl then he's got some serious man-issues to address. By all means it should be the men "bringing home the bacon" so to speak. I don't mind finding a rich girl myself but I want to pull my own weight so I could give her as much as I can. Of course, I don't want a woman who stays at home. Too much of that shrinks the brain. I'd want her to have a successful career but by all means am I not expecting that she's a highly paid workaholic.

  • is already married
As much as I find this so gross this has to be addressed as well. I usually find these type of people sickos. Going after married men/women? C'mon! Any person who is like this is just plain scandalous! A troublemaker is something you don't want in your partner. I'd like to point out that if this happens then remember the previously discussed section.
  • is good looking
While this may sound shallow this is actually an animal instinct that is common in all creatures in the animal kingdom. It is in our nature to find the most superior and acceptable gene for our offspring. While even for your own vain self you find yourself superior apparently your partner doesn't see it that way. But if that were the only excuse then good riddance to them. This would be the definite meaning of "shallow".
  • has a job
Well if this happens my question would be, why didn't you get one? I know times are hard and it's just as hard to find a job but that's not excuse not to keep trying. Find ways to get it. Your partner should be your motivation to get one. No boy/girl likes a slacker unless they are one.
  • is adventurous
Everyone likes a little thrill from time to time. Let out that romantic in you by planning out some things from time to time. While you may not be the easily bored type (i.e. simple-minded) your partner may not be like you. They want something out of the ordinary from time to time.
  • is challenging
Sometimes you need to take your partners for granted once in a while so they can get some appreciation of missing you. If you show them that you can easily be swayed by them then the challenge is not there. They've turned to this new person because this new person gives them the thrill of getting their attention the hard way. This is just as similar to the section above.

"It's not you. It's me."

One of the common excuses. It basically means you're not the one who can change the way they are. Otherwise, they wouldn't end up blaming themselves for not giving you what you need. I usually blame this on bad judgment on the "victims". Oh, well, on to the next one. You can't win em all.

It's just not working out

Ok. This is the simplest and most straightforward excuse. You don't need to know how or why - just take the hint. IT'S NOT WORKING OUT. End of story. Why do you need get it right in the first place. You have to accept the fact that some things are not meant to be.

I'll be adding more to this blog from time to time so stay tuned.

Monday, June 12, 2006

Changes 06.12.2006

Time has indeed played a vital role in my existence. What or where to begin I can only fathom within my human capabilities.

I see so many changes happening in my life yet again. Things that are of the utmost concern - another cornerstone in my mental field of view.

Last month a close friend of mine got married to her 4 year long boyfriend. In spite of their distance, they were able to lay plans for their wedding. I asked them a few months ago how they managed their relationship. Of course, it's only in my nature to ask people who succeeded instead of those who failed. (Not that failures are something to be ignored but success was the information available at the moment. ;) ) What transpired during that conversation I keep to myself to ponder. Perhaps a few years from now I can write yet again on my understanding of what I have been told. I am happy for them.

I have grown yet another notch as a person. I've learned to keep my tongue in check from time to time. Of course, I don't deny my impulse to lash out from time to time when the situation calls for it. Kind of like using the right tool for the job. Hey, according to my manager I'm going to lead a group of people someday so I have to show that I'm up for the task. I was never good at leading but I did learn how to work as a team. I am always reminded that I can't be like this forever. "He who must lead must learn to follow."

Gone also is the part of me that is holed up inside this shell of a life. I have always considered myself anti-social - a person who keeps to himself. Yet I know I am not passive. I do react to events unfolding around me. Yes, I am a contradiction to myself but not to others. This is partly because as a person who keeps to myself I have been pretty repressed myself. I may be anti-social but I am not ignorant to the things around me. I know what's happening. I want to be able to do someting - to help. But one person is one person. I cannot do it alone. So I just resorted to doing the simplest thing to begin - with myself. If others can't do it, at least I can. "If everyone cleaned their own front yard, the world would be a cleaner place."

I have gone out with people more. I have met different people, Different groups, different places. I was exploring and building a bigger world. I do love that part where I venture into another person's life. Seeing how their worlds exists and interact with others. No matter how dense human existence is, it is by every detail beautiful and unique. Perhaps I want to touch these people's lives in a nice way that I can be remembered as much as I remember them.

Friday, June 02, 2006

Rainwalk II

My last day here in Manila.

Wouldn't you know it. The rain poured down hard outside. I've become quite the Superman among my classmates here ever since I told them I walked the entire length of Makati Avenue every morning.

Last week I was sent here to Manila for training in Java Programming and being conducted by Oracle Philippines. I have to admit, as hectic and stressful Manila is I still have a fond appreciation for the beautiful lights at night, the tall buildings and strong gusts of wind that traverse the compressed spaces between them.

The rain gushed down for a while then slowed down to a shower. As usual, I didn't care getting wet in the rain. After all, last day in Manila and a hot shower at the end of the walk sort of makes the trip worthwhile. Of course, I probably did not give in to the fact that the rain here is probably xx% acidic due to the pollution. I'm also exhibiting my usual skin allergies since I got here.

This is a great place if you don't mind the traffic and the pollution. The places to go are unlimited. You can never go bored here!

Saturday, May 27, 2006

Finding myself & realizing mistakes

Most of the time, in the midst of the hectic turmoil the world has brought me, I have forgotten to take care of the most important person in my life. ME.

Yep, as selfish as I try to make myself I am still that one person who can't resist to cross the line to open a helping hand. Hey, I am still a human being - for the moment. No matter how much I try to convince myself that I go first before others, I still can't get this impulse to try to dive in the heat of things. Am I passive or not? I'd like to think I am but attitude tells me otherwise.

I've realized during the course of my life that what they say is true. Every decision you make affects what you get in life. Are there wrong answers? Perhaps! The real learning experience here is figuring out how to make the most right choices than wrong decisions. Early in life we seem to commit more of the latter. But some people do learn to cut their losses early. I have learned the much harder path in life that I must listen to what people already know. They've all been there. If I want to cut my lossess as well, I should start listening to them.

My mother, although I really despise her way of thinking, told me that choosing the right girl in your life drastically affects the outcome of your family. The woman that will be my wife is the guiding light of the family. Even to the best of my knowledge and male pride aside, I believe that I play a smaller role compared to a woman in the family. This is why I really respect this aspect in their personality - presuming if they had it. But times are different, and finding the right woman is as daunting as everything else we encounter in life. I've lowered my expectation of ever finding her but I am not lowering my standards. It stays and WILL STAY that way. I look back at my past relationships with bitter feelings but the really haunting thought was realizing how close I was to making big mistakes - mistakes that would destroy my life and my family. Every time I think of the possibility of starting my life with them and realizing who they really were I get goosebumps. It scares me and it still scares me up to this day. It's the same feeling of realizing how clsoe you were to dying and if you've experienced enough relationships you'd know what I mean.

Another thing I learned in life is choosing a career path. A month ago a colleague of mine was promoted to manager. Although he was hired at my company at a senior level his promotion made me realize what I missed and what I did wrong. Four years after my graduation I was chasing start-up companies with ideals I have come to realize were unrealistic. I was young, naive and idealistic - just like the companies I chased. Yet that was also another one of my mistakes. What's my point with my colleague? He's the same age as I am! Yet he's up there and I'm down here. At the bottom of the corporate ladder. I know my time will come but the fact remains I have wasted 4 years of my career life chasing a dream that wasn't my own - trying to make mountains of molehills as they would say. I see him and can't help wonder how much he's accomplished a lot and yet I see myself and I have nothing to show for it.

That being said, the most common mistakes we make is giving up or passing up opportunities. Those wre the mistakes that ultimately lead me to where I am now. It's the reason why I'm down here and my colleague is up there. Coz I gave up an opportunity to go up and GROW UP.

I have a lot of catching up to do. My life is way behind. People say I look too young for my age. To them that may be a good thing but for me I think it's a sign I have a lot to go through in life. If I don't go through with it then time stops to virtually nothing. What I wouldn't give to look a little older. I know I should be careful what to wish for but this is something I think I should go through to finally cross over that path that I never travelled.

What others are yacking...