Tuesday, January 31, 2006

Six Choices

Last night I was given a choice.

I was in a dark room with no sound. In the middle of the room, where all the light was pointing down, I saw 6 figures seated on steel chairs with their backs turned towards me. I could not make them out but they all had long hair.

The silence and the darkness that surrounded their stubby silhouette added to the eerie ambiance of the room.

I walked towards and around them to see who they are. They all looked up at me. Surprise filled my heart when I saw their faces filled with tears – familiar faces. They were all women – women I’ve loved before.

A voice in the room told me, "You are given a choice. Tonight you will choose who among them will live and who dies."

I found myself holding a gun - a .44 caliber revolver – six chambers. The piece felt icy cold in my hand.

I looked back the six of them. They were all tied to steel chairs with their mouths taped shut – their arms tied behind them and their legs bound to the chairs. "You will each remove the tape from their mouths and hear them maybe for the last time before you decide to take their lives." The voice continued. "Only one may live."

At that hint, they started whimpering in the dark. This was now a beauty contest of another kind. The kind where your life depended on it - literally.

I walked towards the first one. "Chad," the voice called again. "No hesitation." I took off the tape off her mouth. Her high-pitched voice sounded all too familiar.

I looked at her with all the regret I could remember. The first and the longest one I stuck to for all these years. I have no one else to blame but myself for my cowardice in leaving her until the day came when she left me. I guess I have my lack of self-esteem during that time to blame for that. I guess she only loved me for believing that I was some rich guy that she could flaunt. But, lo, I am nowhere close to that. "Why?" was the only word and question I could whisper to her. I don’t know if I meant to ask her for leaving me or if I should let her live.

"Chad, please, I’m sorry for everything. I’d do anything take it all back. It’s not what you think. I always loved you." She cried.

"You were a gold digging social climber." I glared at her. "Killing you will be doing a favor to every man on this planet." At that hint, I raised my gun and shot her in the head as she screamed. The rest could only watch and manage a muffled scream. I didn’t hesitate to blow this bitch’s brains out.

I skipped the next two familiar faces and went straight to the fourth. "You are a disease that needs to be purged." I blew her brains out just like the first one. I didn't hesitate although I felt myself shaking after every shot. I don't know if it was from the anger or from the fear. Either way, I didn't hesitate.

Now the fifth. As I looked at her, she was quite a remarkable improvement from the first two I killed. Face like an angel and eyes that just makes you smile. I was not to be misled by her looks. For within this facade is an arrogant, stubborn, violent and back-stabbing nature. "You made me feel hurt in a way that I could never compare with anything else." I whispered to her. "I couldn't sleep and I couldn't eat for days because of that feeling. You got me into a life that I wished would never happen. Nothing was ever good enough for you." I took the tape off her mouth.

"Chad, please. What do you want? I'll do anything!" she pleaded.

"Still trying to buy yourself out of a problem, are we?" I squinted. "It's nice to see some things never change."

As much as it irritates me, the knowledge that she hasn't changed gave me a sense of confidence that at least I was still right about her. Nothing's changed.

"You were one of my favorites." I assured her and putting her in a sense of FALSE security. "But you are also one of the worst." I raised the barrel for her head as she repeatedly pleaded for her life.

This time I now hesitated. For a split-second more I pulled the trigger but one split-second more was more time than I was allowed to let her live. The sound of the gunshot echoed along with the silent sobs of my last three victims.

The sixth and recent love was there sitting silently but I could see her teardrops fall as I approach her. "Still pretending to be strong when you are weak." I called out to her. That has always been her. "With you I have made one of the deadliest mistakes in falling in love. Falling in love with your potential when you didn't have any." God, I loved her forever if she promised me the world. This girl was all talk - I fell in love with a windbag. This was the one girl who would back out at the first sign of a problem; the one girl who wouldn't listen if the skies were grey. What's worse is that she blames me if things don't go her way. This girl was the huge step backwards after the last.

Talk about being blown back to the Stone Age. With her, I thought I could understand women if I leveled with their style of falling in love. I allowed myself to fall. It hurt because I came out empty handed.

I pointed to the fifth and told her, "You're no different than she was." The more women claim to be different the more they end up being all the same.

As I took the tape of her mouth she began pleading. "Chad, please! Have pity on me. I'm sorry."
This was a dream and I'm pretty sure I'm just hearing what I heard her say when I pulled her email of a few of months back. I then repeated what I told her then. "Sorry for you? You didn't even feel sorry for me when you hurt me! You didn't even feel sorry for me when you did all those things you did; when you sucked me dry; when you cheated; when you treated me like shit! Now you tell me you're sorry - AGAIN?! Do you really expect me to feel sorry for you? Why should I let you live?" It was a psychological question actually.

"I just want to live. Please give me a chance. Please have pity!" She went on repeatedly like a broken record. As she went on, not once did she ever mention our relationship or what went wrong or offered to fix it. No, this was a plead to save herself and ONLY herself just like she pleaded for her email back when in fact she was talking to a third party. She blamed it all on me. I treated her the way she treated me and suddenly it's my fault. No person would cry so uncontrollably for such a small thing unless there was something else they wanted just like she wanted to live for herself and not for us.

As I kept hearing it, I admit I still feel that same pity I always had for her ever since. But something has to be done tonight. "You took away my second chance. You took revenge on me when I did nothing wrong."

I thought for a moment. "You know, I listened to you once but I know you’ll just be using me for your own selfish means – to get what you want and for your personal drama story. I’m not hearing it anymore. I'm already dead. You finished me off!"

"WAAIIIT!!!!" I couldn’t hear her scream as the gunshot went through her head. Empty as your life, I thought.

I walked towards the second and third women and stood just between them. I shot the second one without even waiting to talk to her. I wasn’t particularly fond of her beliefs and I knew she would’ve dumped me for it. Come to think of it, who the hell was that? :-/

The last one. The one that got away. The girl I’ve always wanted. The girl of my dreams. She left me over her career just like every one else after her. I loved her too much to realize that.
I knelt before her because I have always treated her like a goddess. In fact, I still do. "You were the one I loved the most. I’m gonna let you live not because of you but because out of respect for your sister whom has helped us quite a lot. I do not want her to remember me like this." I gently removed the tape from her mouth. "Not that I don't owe you as well. In owe you my life. You fought for me once to help me and I could never thank you enough for that."

"Of all these women here you’re the only one I still think about. Up to now I cannot get past a day without whispering your name in my head or to myself. I’m still and will always be in love with you. I know and accept the fact that you and I can never be. But knowing you’re out there and being given the chance to love and be loved by you - even for a brief moment - my life was complete. That’s why I still go on; that’s why I still move on. Because I have once been complete, I can go through life not caring where I'm going because I have been there. I know one day I could be there again. Maybe with you or maybe with someone new I can never know. I do know, however, that having you once in my life has made it worthwile."

I shouted to the darkness. "I HAVE MADE MY CHOICE."

I stood up and looked back at her and said, "I'm letting you live but I'm not setting you free." A single tear runs down her cheek and I wipe it. Her long slender body remained stiff trying to fight her fear. "My job is to choose who lives not who to set free." I kissed her cheek where her tear ran down. "I leave it up to them as to what to do with you." She didn't cry much. She was always a strong woman. That's why I love her up to this day. I could never find anyone else like her and I don't know if I ever will. She was the one woman whom every woman in my heart would be judged. I resisted the urge to take her back. I knew that whatever they said in this room would never be real. It can never be real.

As I stood up I told her, "I"m gonna leave you here just like you left me to rot in that dark room when I needed you the most."

I walked away into the darkness and into reality.

"You acted wisely." The voice called out. "You were right in realizing that you are only to choose who lives but not setting them free. If you chose otherwise, we would have killed you. You'll never make it past this night alive."

"Go f*ck yourself!" I mumbled.

It’s amazing how people will say anything to save what’s left of their pitiful lives. If someone pulled a gun to my head I would plead him not to let me live but to pull the trigger. Whether he lets me live or die, it doesn’t matter - I still win.

Please forgive me for my bitterness.

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