Saturday, May 27, 2006

Finding myself & realizing mistakes

Most of the time, in the midst of the hectic turmoil the world has brought me, I have forgotten to take care of the most important person in my life. ME.

Yep, as selfish as I try to make myself I am still that one person who can't resist to cross the line to open a helping hand. Hey, I am still a human being - for the moment. No matter how much I try to convince myself that I go first before others, I still can't get this impulse to try to dive in the heat of things. Am I passive or not? I'd like to think I am but attitude tells me otherwise.

I've realized during the course of my life that what they say is true. Every decision you make affects what you get in life. Are there wrong answers? Perhaps! The real learning experience here is figuring out how to make the most right choices than wrong decisions. Early in life we seem to commit more of the latter. But some people do learn to cut their losses early. I have learned the much harder path in life that I must listen to what people already know. They've all been there. If I want to cut my lossess as well, I should start listening to them.

My mother, although I really despise her way of thinking, told me that choosing the right girl in your life drastically affects the outcome of your family. The woman that will be my wife is the guiding light of the family. Even to the best of my knowledge and male pride aside, I believe that I play a smaller role compared to a woman in the family. This is why I really respect this aspect in their personality - presuming if they had it. But times are different, and finding the right woman is as daunting as everything else we encounter in life. I've lowered my expectation of ever finding her but I am not lowering my standards. It stays and WILL STAY that way. I look back at my past relationships with bitter feelings but the really haunting thought was realizing how close I was to making big mistakes - mistakes that would destroy my life and my family. Every time I think of the possibility of starting my life with them and realizing who they really were I get goosebumps. It scares me and it still scares me up to this day. It's the same feeling of realizing how clsoe you were to dying and if you've experienced enough relationships you'd know what I mean.

Another thing I learned in life is choosing a career path. A month ago a colleague of mine was promoted to manager. Although he was hired at my company at a senior level his promotion made me realize what I missed and what I did wrong. Four years after my graduation I was chasing start-up companies with ideals I have come to realize were unrealistic. I was young, naive and idealistic - just like the companies I chased. Yet that was also another one of my mistakes. What's my point with my colleague? He's the same age as I am! Yet he's up there and I'm down here. At the bottom of the corporate ladder. I know my time will come but the fact remains I have wasted 4 years of my career life chasing a dream that wasn't my own - trying to make mountains of molehills as they would say. I see him and can't help wonder how much he's accomplished a lot and yet I see myself and I have nothing to show for it.

That being said, the most common mistakes we make is giving up or passing up opportunities. Those wre the mistakes that ultimately lead me to where I am now. It's the reason why I'm down here and my colleague is up there. Coz I gave up an opportunity to go up and GROW UP.

I have a lot of catching up to do. My life is way behind. People say I look too young for my age. To them that may be a good thing but for me I think it's a sign I have a lot to go through in life. If I don't go through with it then time stops to virtually nothing. What I wouldn't give to look a little older. I know I should be careful what to wish for but this is something I think I should go through to finally cross over that path that I never travelled.

Saturday, May 20, 2006

Something to bash in HI5?

Well, there's The Atrocities of Friendster and the MySpace Patrol, so why not hi5? The thought was tempting but I'm just not ready for that untold fame such a feat would unravel. So I might as well talk about the fact why I'm NOT doing it.

Being the web programmer and administrator that I am, going and using to hi5 is a violation of my firm beliefs of good programming practice not to mention unethical behavior. Hey, the site is slow! Damn slow! Plain and obviously because it's using the dreaded JAVA technology and it's variant JSP. Let's face it folks. We've all seen it and experienced it. No matter what kind of bullshit Sun Microsystems tries to market this product, it just doesn't work. While their people and their developer community can go hours on end with their dick-waving monologue at me it's a lost cause for them. I haven't yet seen anyone in this area who can justify it's speed over every other existing technologies of its kind. One java developer it's all in the design framework (blah blah blah). Now if sites like Friendster made that mistake, HOW THE FUCK do other sites make that same mistake?! TELL ME! Make the mistake once you're forgiven. Make that same mistake all over the internet it's not your fault anymore. (feel free to hack or send me an angry email)

Sure, hundreds of high-end companies adapted to it. Plainly out of stupidity or incompentence (or both) or maybe they just don't have the balls to stand up to Sun. But basically I just presumed they had no choice. You spend millions and so you paint yourself in a corner. This is one of those "Emperor's New Clothes" things again. "If you don't believe in our technology, you're stupid." All it takes is some kid in the back to shout, "Hey, the developers are idiots!" and all of them end up looking for someone to burn coz the millions they already spent is gone. i.e. No money to burn.

My idiot officemate keeps telling me the hype and praise of using this technology yet he can't even explain why it's fucking slow and why nothing is being done about it. He says it works faster in its native system. I tried that and still didn't show any signs of improvement. When I asked him again he gave me the typical circular explanation. Circular explanation: Meaning he can't explain it, he doesn't know the answer and so he gives me looping answers to hide the fact that his brain is as empty as his idea. (Maybe he's getting ready to be a manager. At least that was what he was rumored to be doing. Hmm...) You can't hide incompetence. TEN FUCKING YEARS in the making and they still can't get it to go any faster? Hell, Hyundai was able to come up with a V6 in less span of time than this! He got the management's approval to with JAVA alright but now his legacy is taking a toll on our projects and we are the ones suffering from it. The usual speed and efficiecy our team was known for is now rocking in the uncertainty of getting anything done at all. Where is he now? He's gone somewhere else leaving our team in chaos with this crap he has dropped in his wake. He gave this idea and he's not even around to see it through. Trust me when I say, "WE'RE IN A MESS!".

So here I am, somewhat robbed of my opportunity to bash other people in the head all because my brain is hard-wired not to follow and endorse something that is beyond my ethical professional logic. ;p

Thursday, May 11, 2006

Opportunity vs. Temptation - A Decision

Stupid as it may sound it took 5 years for me to figure this one out. Why? Because to me they look exactly the same. God gave me one of those mentoring moments again. For the life of me even when I try to assess the difference they totally escape my by a hair's thickness.

Amidst the research, arguments, bar room fights and analysis of chaos theory, fractal concepts and other spiritual mumbo jumbo... well, I actually didn't do that many. hehehe... It surprises me how I've gone to such lengths to find a semi-lifelong question: "What is the difference between an opportunity and a temptation?"

I broke down and cried out that there is no telling the real deal. Ah, but I was so young and naive then. Fiesty in a cowardly way yet able to jump at baseless conclusions with superhuman precision (Superman will be showing next month. hehehe). How I survived this long is yet another question I have to answer. The impulse of my youthful mind and raging libido has been replaced with a more reckless man yet wise enough to realize the past mistakes didn't bring me here unscathed. It consoles me to realize that some things never change. I'm still the same person who loves peace and stays out of trouble but still giving in the impulse to cause mischief and wanton destruction if the opportunity presents itself.

Ah, opportunity! Or is it temptation? God's sign or the devil's call? I can sum up the difference with one sentence: Opportunties bring you forward to more favorable outcomes while temptations bring you in the same direction only to realize you have dug yourself into a hole.

What is favorable is entirely up to you. One thing is for sure - temptation brings you to a place where you end up saying "SHIT! What now?!" Temptations manifest themselves as opportunities. If you are shortsighted, you may not be able to anticipate the outcome. Suffice it to say that to know the difference is to gain experience. I can't tell you each and every thing that you can probably encounter in your life but if YOU KNOW THROUGH EXPERIENCE then you can go through life with minimal losses.

If you want to know the basic rule of telling the difference just ask these simple questions:
1. Where will this choice take me? Will it be good or bad?

This is where it all starts. I've gone so far as reading about the butterfly effect and chaos theories. One choice determines the outcome for the rest of your life. But the harsh reality to accept is that no matter which way you choose the outcome will never be the same even if you do them all over again. So don't pray to change your mistakes and don't pray to change the past because it's the wrong thing to wish for. If you want to wish for something, wish for making the right decision NOW!

2. If it is good will it stay that way?

If it doesn't then it's a temptation. A short term result for a spur of the moment impulse. This is akin to finding a hot chick in an alley and getting laid for free. Everything has a price! REMEMBER THAT! I know this because I made these mistakes every so often in my younger years. Jumping to decisions; Making quick choices; Choosing girlfriends for the sake of getting some nookie. I paid dearly for these actions. Some I'm still paying up to this day. The price of making mistakes are high. Don't make a lot of them or else you'll end up paying for the rest of your life. We only have on shot in life but you can make it a million if you make a million decisions after that first one. See how many ways you can change your life?

3. If it is bad, can I make that sacrifice? Can I accept the consequence?

If in the long run it will pay itself favorably then what might appear as a temptation is an opportunity for something better. We all have to go through this in life one way or the other. We are all tempted to keep something in our lives. Sometimes we never give it up for something better. Eventually, we all have to. Once you make that decision it is never easy and it never will. NEVER pray for it to be. Instead pray to decide quickly.

So there you have it. Five years of my life I have dedicated myself to finding the answer. While others may have found the answer in just a few seconds, I took my time to ponder it. The only way for me to understand it was to experience both everyday since then. Knowing the answer is different from seeing the answer. I learned it through what I have seen and what I have felt. Then one day the answer just came to me when I looked back at what I have gone through.

Knowledge is costly as well. I would have never known if I only saw one thing happen to me. Lots of things have unravelled and cascaded into everything I saw today. My mistakes, my success and everything mediocre.

I came, I saw, I understood. This is life. This is how we control it.

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