Saturday, May 27, 2006

Finding myself & realizing mistakes

Most of the time, in the midst of the hectic turmoil the world has brought me, I have forgotten to take care of the most important person in my life. ME.

Yep, as selfish as I try to make myself I am still that one person who can't resist to cross the line to open a helping hand. Hey, I am still a human being - for the moment. No matter how much I try to convince myself that I go first before others, I still can't get this impulse to try to dive in the heat of things. Am I passive or not? I'd like to think I am but attitude tells me otherwise.

I've realized during the course of my life that what they say is true. Every decision you make affects what you get in life. Are there wrong answers? Perhaps! The real learning experience here is figuring out how to make the most right choices than wrong decisions. Early in life we seem to commit more of the latter. But some people do learn to cut their losses early. I have learned the much harder path in life that I must listen to what people already know. They've all been there. If I want to cut my lossess as well, I should start listening to them.

My mother, although I really despise her way of thinking, told me that choosing the right girl in your life drastically affects the outcome of your family. The woman that will be my wife is the guiding light of the family. Even to the best of my knowledge and male pride aside, I believe that I play a smaller role compared to a woman in the family. This is why I really respect this aspect in their personality - presuming if they had it. But times are different, and finding the right woman is as daunting as everything else we encounter in life. I've lowered my expectation of ever finding her but I am not lowering my standards. It stays and WILL STAY that way. I look back at my past relationships with bitter feelings but the really haunting thought was realizing how close I was to making big mistakes - mistakes that would destroy my life and my family. Every time I think of the possibility of starting my life with them and realizing who they really were I get goosebumps. It scares me and it still scares me up to this day. It's the same feeling of realizing how clsoe you were to dying and if you've experienced enough relationships you'd know what I mean.

Another thing I learned in life is choosing a career path. A month ago a colleague of mine was promoted to manager. Although he was hired at my company at a senior level his promotion made me realize what I missed and what I did wrong. Four years after my graduation I was chasing start-up companies with ideals I have come to realize were unrealistic. I was young, naive and idealistic - just like the companies I chased. Yet that was also another one of my mistakes. What's my point with my colleague? He's the same age as I am! Yet he's up there and I'm down here. At the bottom of the corporate ladder. I know my time will come but the fact remains I have wasted 4 years of my career life chasing a dream that wasn't my own - trying to make mountains of molehills as they would say. I see him and can't help wonder how much he's accomplished a lot and yet I see myself and I have nothing to show for it.

That being said, the most common mistakes we make is giving up or passing up opportunities. Those wre the mistakes that ultimately lead me to where I am now. It's the reason why I'm down here and my colleague is up there. Coz I gave up an opportunity to go up and GROW UP.

I have a lot of catching up to do. My life is way behind. People say I look too young for my age. To them that may be a good thing but for me I think it's a sign I have a lot to go through in life. If I don't go through with it then time stops to virtually nothing. What I wouldn't give to look a little older. I know I should be careful what to wish for but this is something I think I should go through to finally cross over that path that I never travelled.

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