Tuesday, August 22, 2006

My non-existent fighting spirit

Sifting through the net and searching for reputable bloggers I cannot help but notice that there is actually a whole different world with bloggers. Communities, syndications, directories and the like seem to have littered the web with aspiring writers, journalists, lunatics, homicidal maniacs and all the normal people I see everyday. In this case I have the uneasy acceptance that fiction, as of the moment, is stranger than fact. Let's forget this little anomaly for the moment and reflect on the fact that I am again left with a voluntary decision to put my balls out there for everyone else to see.

It all began when mommy refused to buy me that G.I. Joe action figure and everything else in my life went spiraling down to this pitiful excuse for a rat caught in the rat race. NO, wait, that's another story. :p

Anyway, as I was saying, I was left with a trivial decision that needed some pondering. Not that I would end up saying 'yes' anyway but it was still a dilemma that seems to taunt my self-esteem. Fact is, I was never a joiner. No, not like Batman! Sure, I've got some "skillz" in many things - PC gaming to mention a few. Honestly, in all my life I have never had anything that was worth fighting for except myself.

I practically don't have any competitive gene in my body. If you would challenge me to a duel, I would probably end up breaking your face but not to the extent that anyone would say I won the fight. But I would definitely make sure you wouldn't win either. In a fight between me and you, nobody wins. Even in the unlikely event that you can win, I'd make sure that your victory was a costly one. One day you'll wake up and ask yourself was it really worth to beat the living shit out of me? Let me give you a hint: It's not exactly the type of story you'd tell your grand kids about - or your boyfriend, fag!

Perhaps this is the main reason why I haven't done anything worth weighing in gold. Some of my highschool and elementary classmates - and I emphasize "SOME" considering the majority have ended up sorry ass losers because it's either they don't know how to use a fucking condom or have self-esteem lower than my own, which I initially thought was impossible - have actually made it big in the world. Some are running their own businesses, which I believe came from mommy and daddy's help, or have flourishing careers in prestigious companies around the globe and in places that would probably take me 100 years to save up for it. This really isn't a good sign.

To name one pointless and unrelated example: even as a kid when my mom signed me up for a (promising?) modeling career. But that was back in the days before multi-cultured, but mainly Western blood mixed Filipinos were the main criteria and fags called the shots. I hated the fact that I would subject myself at a potentially vainful act at such a young age. Wise I was beyond my years that I did not succumb to such forms of vanity - but mainly because I took steroids that made my hormones rise beyond natural levels.

Medals, awards and other pieces of shit people get for their own personal delusions of grandeur really isn't my field. Nevermind the fact that, although most of them are supposedly humble and down to earth, they end up as senile arrogant bastards who like to talk on hours end about the good ol' days where he got laid every night because he can jump higher than anyone else. Deep inside any competitive heart is really just another greedy, self-centered prick who wants all the attention. "No, I'm really just a regular guy. I never expected any of this fame." You're pathetic!

Fact of the matter is, I still don't want to have to do anything with everyone else. I have always had this impulse where I really despise being like everyone else. I really don't like following the fads or the "in" things. I just simply want to be me and not looking like some drug-crazed rock star or tough-looking gangsta wannabee or some pubic-haired reggae artist, which is pretty much what everyone else is. Being in the rat race is punishment enough for me.

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