Saturday, September 30, 2006

The worthless gray area

My father, a lawyer of 40 years, once told me it took a million laws to reinforce the ten commandments. In spite of all those laws, someone still manages to slip through. That's how uncertain our Constitution is - no nation, culture or religion is an exception.

If there ever was a right and wrong then we wouldn't need lawyers to justify our crimes. We wouldn't have to reason out our guilt and find excuses in the midst of overwhelming facts.

As I kept hearing everyday is that the world is not black and white and that most people lived in a gray area. I somewhat likened this gray area to the word "MAYBE". Yes, maybe it's right and maybe it's wrong. Maybe I should do this or maybe I should do that.

If laws of man were made to decide the guilty and the innocent then a lawyer would not have to answer me with "it depends" (aka "maybe") when I present him with a certain scenario. Yet here we are everyday, fully booked for the next decade of cases in every courtroom around the world.

Bottom line is that the world is full of people undecided and uncertain of what they want in life and that's why everyone is in this shithole they call life.

I am a person who does not and will never consider the gray area as part of my life. For me, it's either black or white, yes or no. And while I have heard of the saying about the people living in the gray area this is definitely the group I don't want to tolerate. For some reason, I consider the" gray area" or "maybe" as some sort of display of uncertainty. It's someone who can't make up their damn mind and that's how I see this gray area. It could also mean that these people don't take sides, which I believe is bullshit. I don't need people like that in my life or anyone's life for that matter. For me, these are people who believe in nothing and just around savoring the fruits of what the rest of the blacks and whites dish out.

Why do I cringe at this very paradigm of the gray area? Because it gets us nowhere. Imagine where successful people would be today if they dealt with "maybes" and "it depends". They make up their minds by asking "what ifs" and come up with a "yes" or "no".

If I find myself myself undecided I make up my mind and find a way to make a sensible decision. If I make mistakes along the way that can easily be corrected by making more decisions along the way. Either way, I have to take a side and not in between.

There is a reason for duality, a side to every story.... The reason why the gray area exists is because everyone never tells the truth.

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

I still think of her...

It's been 5 years since I've last laid eyes on her. Up until this very moment her sensual visage is still etched in my very soul - a part of me that I can't seem to let go. Why do I cling to her long after we have parted ways never to see each other again? Why do I find myself whispering her name even though I know she's thousands of miles from me? Most of all, why do I still harbor my feelings for her knowing her heart belongs to someone new and probably countless relationships after me?

With her past in mind, she wasn't exactly the girl whom I would take home to my mother but with a statuesque figure and innocent smile like hers nobody could turn her away. She was a far cry from her former self. Nobody could recognize her the way she is now.

In spite of all her past experiences I accepted her and never once held it against her. I loved her then and I still love her now. Maybe I will never stop loving her. In fact, I loved her so much I set her free, as the old saying goes. Why we parted ways, is a shameful and traumatic experience that neither of us will probably ever tell.

I loved this girl - this woman - for the simple reason that she was THE ONE. The one person where every potential mate will be judged. Smooth brown skin, an innocent face to melt my heart and a tall, slender frame rivaled my own height. I have met countless others along the way. Perhaps the reason why I never pursued any meaningful relationship to this day was for the simple reason that no one could ever measure up to her. This woman was the goddess of my heart and soul that at her presence I humbled myself. She was a strong-willed woman who controlled her life. I never found a girlfriend that had that much strength in her. Up to this day I never had. Everyone was just weak. The one thing that I savored was her body against me and my arms around her.

There were two moments in our brief time together that I still look back every day of my life.

1.) It was raining outside their house one night, I began telling her about how much I enjoyed being in the rain. She thought I was insane. After her sister second the motion of my perfect sanity I dared her to go outside and see what it felt like to stand in the rain without thinking of anything else. As I stood there in the rain with her watching me under the roof, we stared at each other for a moment. She eventually walked towards me looking up at the night sky. She playfully tried to drink the raindrops telling me she remembered her home province in the mountains. I kissed her. The next thing I knew was the rain slightly getting harder and here we were making out - both of us topless! We've been together for just a couple of weeks but this was the longest time we've ever kissed. The back of their house was totally dark with no lights. Here we were, half-naked in the dark with the rain pouring down on us. My love and my goddess was in my arms feeling her wet skin next to me and kissing her soaked body all over. The experience was just... SEXY! I'll never forget that moment. God, what I wouldn't give to do it again. I guess that explains why I have an unusual affinity to rain.

2.) We just made love that day. Although I really wasn't up to the task I felt that by the way she held my hand she was happy for she never held my hand that fully and so closely before. We were at a jeepney stop waiting for her to catch a ride home. She was silent but occasionally made light conversation with me. When a ride finally came she made a few steps forward just enough for our arms to stretch away from each other but her hands still lovingly clutching mine. She took me by surprise! She looked briefly at the jeep then turning suddenly towards me she gave me a deep but soft kiss. There was a silent hum in her voice as she kissed me. What they say is true, that one moment in time where you experience true happiness, the whole world stops and there's just you and your loved one - everyone else ceased to exist. That kiss probably lasted no more than 2.5 seconds and yet it felt we were there for ages. I-WAS-IN-LOVE.

She's gone now. For some unknown will of God I lost her and she's now traveling in different places far away from me. So far that the chances of me ever seeing her in this lifetime are as slim as winning the lottery - and I'd pick her over the lottery anytime! I owe her in some way. I may have gone to the point that I would never choose a woman over material things. After all, you rarely lose things but losing women are inevitable. But just for once I'd like everyone to know that once in my life I valued someone more than anything else. Anyway, I'm still here and I have long accepted the fact that we were never meant to be together. For whatever greater plan the powers that be may have I sure hope it was worth their decision for it is not my place or my skill to decide the bigger picture of my life. After all, I still considered our brief moment together as some kind of dream that I eventually woke up - lucid yet eventually tragic.

That woman barely told me she loved me. I could only count the times she ever did. But that one fateful day when our relationship would take a tumultuous turn, she told me for maybe the last time those three words I've always wanted her to say.

It's funny really. I've had relationships before and after her. They spared no expense in telling me how much they loved me. Yet here is this woman; who barely tells me she loves me; who is always afraid to tell me how much she cared and I'm eternally head over heels over her. It wasn't easy to doubt her considering it wasn't easy for her to say.

Did she love me? I'll probably never know and I probably never will. Yes, she may have used that phrase rarely and sparingly but when the time came she said "I love you"... I believed her.

I know now she's moved on and so have I. All good things somehow come to an end regardless of our denial in it; regardless of our passivity towards it; regardless of our fear against it.

For you,

You once asked me to promise you not to do anything to destroy myself in honor of our love that was perfect. I'm still here. I'm still alive.

Monday, September 18, 2006

Faith No More

Faithlessness. This is what I am...or is it? By whose rights, culture and religion define my beliefs? By whose definition and judgement does it define my "sin" or my "heresy".

I am a believer of sorts - someone who has shaped his very beliefs to his own life's understanding. I was born with a religion once but that was when I was forced to choose one and ONLY one, which was a clear violation of my civil rights. For a large fraction of my life I spent kissing the anal receptacle of religious authority up until when I realized the truth - that every religion, no matter how noble, how righteous, how dignified they seem were in fact, SAVAGES. I've realized that no religion is "pure" even if they claim their actions were just. I am instinctively a man of questioning nature. Someone who doesn't follow beliefs blindly. The only thing I can offer others is my loyalty. I don't have to know what you know. I don't even have to believe what you believe. But as long as we live on this same earth I continue to listen to you and if you give me an ideal I can work with I will follow anyone.

But the fact remains that I don't follow by religious faith. As sadistic and violent I can be by nature I am still a civilized human being. But what defines "civilization"? The laws of a certain race or culture? What defines good and evil?

I ask these questions because as much as I admit that I have sinned, who will judge my actions as a sin? As I write this entry I'm pretty sure that a good number of "religious" people will brand me an anti-christ, a satanist, a heathen, a heretic and my personal favorite - a blasphemer. To put it simply, as long as I don't follow anyone's beliefs I will be branded as an outcast. It's not because I am evil it's because I do not conform and comply with the general public's ideals. As one famous line once said: "Traitors are not defined by themselves but by the people they betrayed." What that means is I am either good or bad based on everyone's pitiful, desperate and narrow-mindedness. The true judge here is not God but people. Everyone claims to know what God wants, what God feels and what God thinks. But when confronted with this fact I am faced with thousands of years worth of well-versed, well-practiced, and virtually memorized list of excuses. Why else did they fabricate their "sacred text"? To document their excuses, course! In other words, I'm just told to believe. Don't ask questions. Just stand there like an idiot. If everyone else is out there doing the same no one really notices "that the emperor is naked". I expected no less from them. That's why I feel it pointless to argue and instead resort to this entry in which none of you sorry ass retards can ever debate.

If I were born during the time of the peak of their influence, I would be stoned, hanged, burned, whipped, crucified or raped (yep, that's one of the unknown facts of these religions). In case you're too stupid to realize the obvious, why would I follow a religion dedicated to promoting peace and humanity but actually have perfected methods of torture? Ironic as it is, where else would you find hypocrisy except from the one place who defined words such as these? Some have gone as far as declaring their beliefs as "not a religion" to exclude themselves from the commonality. Religion is religion. Call it what you want but it's still the same to me and I would be a fool not to realize that.

The sad truth about religion is that none of them were ever created by Gods but by men and men alone - out of fear, out of desperation and out of ignorance. Men by nature have low self-esteem. Without the belief of a higher being, man would simply crumble in self-pity and helplessness. A creature without a purpose. I have outgrown such childish beliefs and accepted reality that you face the world just like every creature on earth. You come and you go. I don't need a higher being to tell me my purpose. My purpose is for me alone to decide.

No religion is pure. I don't want your excuses and I don't want your scriptures and lies. End of story. PERIOD. I'm shutting you out just as you shut out everyone else from questioning you.

It's not that I don't believe in a higher being (a God so to speak), I just don't want to follow spiritual beliefs fabricated by men for whatever reason (try ignorance) throughout history and then "marketed" to the masses. It just doesn't work for me! I'd rather be a devil in the eyes of a church and be free than to be a saint and be their slave.

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

Realizing my roots


Today I just had an epiphany - a realization. It's amazing how you can get lost in the tangles of the web and weird things you discover while following links. Watching a certain porn movie about pirates actually spawned my curiosity about pirates in story. Out of the curiosity of pirates I actually stumbled upon their existence in Spanish history and eventually Mexico. I remembered my father mention that our earlier descendants was one of Mexico's national heroes.

Like all futile battles for freedom he was himself arrested and shot. Just like the fate of all heroes who fought for their people he was shot in a firing squad, which was reminiscent of Spanish justice during those times. And just like the fate of all idealists, my ancestor was stripped of everything he had. Humiliated, discredited, made to look like a fool and his family cursed by the legal system for all eternity, he died a criminal - a nobody. That's what the Spaniards wanted him to be. It would be long after his untimely demise that he would be recognized by the modern citizens as a hero.

This man strove hard to do things I would only imagine. The gratification he would reap would only come long after his existence. I keep thinking about the things I took for granted in my life. Things that he would've killed for to have. Yet here I am throwing it all away as if I saw it everyday, which I myself knew I didn't. Here again I am stuck with that same pondering moment if I should do something great with my life as he did. I would hate to be a big disappointment to my bloodline.

I realized that I am too selfish and too passive to do anything that would require positive results that would arrive longer than a few minutes. I am too impatient for delayed gratifcation and my impulsive behavior to act too quickly is my weakness. But I have improved everyday not to jump to conclusions, not to act too rashly. Fools, after all, do rush in.

I look back at his legacy, perhaps this day I found him was my moment to discover who I am and where I came from. I may not be special like he was but I had the power to make it so. Perhaps I've had the ability shape the world all along, I just don't know it yet.

Oh, well, "he who knows but he knows not he knows. He is a fool. Shun him!" I will remember this until I find more answers. My questioning nature has brought me to a man I never knew but his blood is in my veins. Perhaps his passion carries inside me too.

Saturday, September 09, 2006

The moronic idea of going abroad


It's all over the place. Everyone want to take up some "in demand" job because "Uncle Sam wants YOU to be his BITCH!" (and that's reading between the lines). What's really shocking is that, we Filipinos, a proud race, who won't even lift a finger to fix our own damn country, who wouldn't let our own kind stare us down, actually succumb to this type of economic SLAVERY. You think running away and kissing some foreign ass is going to change the inconsiderate, irresponsible and immature nature of your past? You think the idiotic excuse that this country has no hope is reason enough for you to leave? What have you done for it then if you think it's so terrible? Grow up!

Oh, you think taking up nursing or some other course that EVERYONE else is taking is going to increase your chance of earning in dollars? God, how naive are you? The local universities and other educational centers have increased the passing percentage of in-demand jobs abroad. Now unless you are exceptionally good, which I believe only a fraction of you are, there's NO CHANCE in hell you're getting out of this country alive. It's part of the egotistical motives of the academe to make the rest of us feel like retards. By the way, need we remind them that is OUR sorry asses that pay for THEIR SALARIES?

You study to get out of your province so you can be placed in another one in some distant hospital or furniture store miles away from civilization. You're no better off than where you are now! You think that they would place you in some large city like New York or Los Angeles? No! They're not putting you there - EVER. Why? They are not in demand there! The harsh truth is their remote areas are in demand. So you can kiss your anticipated party life good bye. Here's another reality check, they love their own more than you hate your country. So before they hire you, they hire one of their FIRST before you. You are not important and you are not the priority. Unemployment, especially in the States, is high so don't think for one second they'll consider you before their citizens.

Your family is here, your heart is here and your LIFE is here. It is the inescapable fact of your being. Just because another nation starts bitching doesn't mean you have to go to great lengths to chase after someone else's whining demands, which is akin to a man waving a piece of meat to a hungry dog. Are you a dog? Uncle Sam's bitch?

Most of all, the idea of going abroad is a sign of your inability to survive and consequently your apparent inability to be economically resourceful in this country. If you can't make it here you won't make it anywhere else. You have to think that a good number of people here managed to do quite above the average level. There's no excuse for you not be the successful with a little - a LOT of - hard work. I know why you want to leave. You think it's the "easy" way - again another Filipino mentality that spawns misguidance and ignorance. There is no success in buying lotto tickets or stripping clothes for everyone's perverse consumption but soulessness. Success is made through seizing the moment of need not packing up and leaving. There is wealth here, I assure you. You just have to know where to find it.

You think migration is easy? Hmm... Let's think about this: 4 years to finish a course. Probably more years trying to save the money to leave - traveling costs money, duh! And IF you want to move a little faster a good sum of that money will be BRIBING again your own fellow man to get things moving. IF and ONLY IF you're lucky to find someone to lend you money to leave, how are you going to pay up if in the LIKELY event you don't make it? When and IF you get there, 1st world countries are competitive, can you survive the pressure being raised in a country that is waaaaaaay laid back, you big, fat, lazy prick? If it is in demand NOW then you should be going there NOW not spending YEARS prepping to go there. What's your assurance your services are still needed?

I became a programmer because it was one of my childhood careers. I assure you it was not intentional that in the late 90s they became in demand. I'm glad I didn't push myself abroad because today, thousands of my kind lose their jobs every month. This is a fact of life - no exceptions. It doesn't matter if you're a doctor, engineer, architect, social worker and ESPECIALLY a nurse. Remember, if there's too many of you or they can't afford you, it's time to drop the weights.

Think about it. Run all you can but you're killing the rest of us. Are you part of the problem or part of the solution?

What others are yacking...