Wednesday, September 20, 2006

I still think of her...

It's been 5 years since I've last laid eyes on her. Up until this very moment her sensual visage is still etched in my very soul - a part of me that I can't seem to let go. Why do I cling to her long after we have parted ways never to see each other again? Why do I find myself whispering her name even though I know she's thousands of miles from me? Most of all, why do I still harbor my feelings for her knowing her heart belongs to someone new and probably countless relationships after me?

With her past in mind, she wasn't exactly the girl whom I would take home to my mother but with a statuesque figure and innocent smile like hers nobody could turn her away. She was a far cry from her former self. Nobody could recognize her the way she is now.

In spite of all her past experiences I accepted her and never once held it against her. I loved her then and I still love her now. Maybe I will never stop loving her. In fact, I loved her so much I set her free, as the old saying goes. Why we parted ways, is a shameful and traumatic experience that neither of us will probably ever tell.

I loved this girl - this woman - for the simple reason that she was THE ONE. The one person where every potential mate will be judged. Smooth brown skin, an innocent face to melt my heart and a tall, slender frame rivaled my own height. I have met countless others along the way. Perhaps the reason why I never pursued any meaningful relationship to this day was for the simple reason that no one could ever measure up to her. This woman was the goddess of my heart and soul that at her presence I humbled myself. She was a strong-willed woman who controlled her life. I never found a girlfriend that had that much strength in her. Up to this day I never had. Everyone was just weak. The one thing that I savored was her body against me and my arms around her.

There were two moments in our brief time together that I still look back every day of my life.

1.) It was raining outside their house one night, I began telling her about how much I enjoyed being in the rain. She thought I was insane. After her sister second the motion of my perfect sanity I dared her to go outside and see what it felt like to stand in the rain without thinking of anything else. As I stood there in the rain with her watching me under the roof, we stared at each other for a moment. She eventually walked towards me looking up at the night sky. She playfully tried to drink the raindrops telling me she remembered her home province in the mountains. I kissed her. The next thing I knew was the rain slightly getting harder and here we were making out - both of us topless! We've been together for just a couple of weeks but this was the longest time we've ever kissed. The back of their house was totally dark with no lights. Here we were, half-naked in the dark with the rain pouring down on us. My love and my goddess was in my arms feeling her wet skin next to me and kissing her soaked body all over. The experience was just... SEXY! I'll never forget that moment. God, what I wouldn't give to do it again. I guess that explains why I have an unusual affinity to rain.

2.) We just made love that day. Although I really wasn't up to the task I felt that by the way she held my hand she was happy for she never held my hand that fully and so closely before. We were at a jeepney stop waiting for her to catch a ride home. She was silent but occasionally made light conversation with me. When a ride finally came she made a few steps forward just enough for our arms to stretch away from each other but her hands still lovingly clutching mine. She took me by surprise! She looked briefly at the jeep then turning suddenly towards me she gave me a deep but soft kiss. There was a silent hum in her voice as she kissed me. What they say is true, that one moment in time where you experience true happiness, the whole world stops and there's just you and your loved one - everyone else ceased to exist. That kiss probably lasted no more than 2.5 seconds and yet it felt we were there for ages. I-WAS-IN-LOVE.

She's gone now. For some unknown will of God I lost her and she's now traveling in different places far away from me. So far that the chances of me ever seeing her in this lifetime are as slim as winning the lottery - and I'd pick her over the lottery anytime! I owe her in some way. I may have gone to the point that I would never choose a woman over material things. After all, you rarely lose things but losing women are inevitable. But just for once I'd like everyone to know that once in my life I valued someone more than anything else. Anyway, I'm still here and I have long accepted the fact that we were never meant to be together. For whatever greater plan the powers that be may have I sure hope it was worth their decision for it is not my place or my skill to decide the bigger picture of my life. After all, I still considered our brief moment together as some kind of dream that I eventually woke up - lucid yet eventually tragic.

That woman barely told me she loved me. I could only count the times she ever did. But that one fateful day when our relationship would take a tumultuous turn, she told me for maybe the last time those three words I've always wanted her to say.

It's funny really. I've had relationships before and after her. They spared no expense in telling me how much they loved me. Yet here is this woman; who barely tells me she loves me; who is always afraid to tell me how much she cared and I'm eternally head over heels over her. It wasn't easy to doubt her considering it wasn't easy for her to say.

Did she love me? I'll probably never know and I probably never will. Yes, she may have used that phrase rarely and sparingly but when the time came she said "I love you"... I believed her.

I know now she's moved on and so have I. All good things somehow come to an end regardless of our denial in it; regardless of our passivity towards it; regardless of our fear against it.

For you,

You once asked me to promise you not to do anything to destroy myself in honor of our love that was perfect. I'm still here. I'm still alive.

23 comments:

janiz said...

wow! hhehe char kaayo ka chad!

CH4:D said...

I just noticed that this blog really explains a lot about me. hmm....

Rance said...

A love story.. and it helped me realized on how is it important to me.. my love.. my best friend who can always understand me and give me happiness in this life.. love is truly amazing! I will always value the my best friend.. my love.. my happiness.. my everything!

rai said...

wow kuy...speechless ako dun...
so sad it ended.. but who knows..

Anonymous said...

y don't u love me instead?? a girl will be too lucky to be lovedby someone who can love as much as you

CH4:D said...

Tempting...

However, I don't know who you are. LOL.

You can't love someone you don't know now, can you? :D

Anonymous said...

wow!!!...
where would i find a guy who will love me that way...

Anonymous said...

meet me on November 18, mc donalds
jones...
exactly 3p.m.
a gurl with curls...

CH4:D said...

Wow, an invitation! hehehe...

Tempting but no thanks. I am not using my blog as a means to hook up with anyone.

Anonymous said...

Life is full of surprises you'll never know what would happen in the next few seconds in your life, there is always been a sudden switch. The only constant thing in this world is changed it will only matter on how will you accept the changes. Having such experience is great but sometimes something in your head (heart) lingerring, want to shout but there is no voice in your vocal chords, want to jump but there is no strength in your knee. aaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh why am I doing this stupid thing!!!!!!! But it is really great.

Anonymous said...

hi,
my office mate give me your link, and i thought that it was just something not important.
but to tell you honestly, amazing... its unusual to a man who expresses his feelings through blogs...:)

sfp_14

Anonymous said...

flirting..
a no is a no..
get over it!

r0mm3L said...

red horse ray tambal ana bai

CH4:D said...

my blog, my rules.

Asshole & bitching posts will be denied.

wicked_bitch said...

mka.hilak man sad ta ug pop-corn oi...

*pop-pop-pop*

ckeizak said...

wow..nice one chad.. hahayzt..

ma said...

your good CH4:D...i wish my guy would understand the world of blogs...i stopped writing since he made an issue about me blogging...

Redman said...

bro ......time heals pero in ur case.....wa pa jud cya ni abot..D Ryt GURL............peace out

CH4:D said...

you should keep going ma. :)

Anonymous said...

CH4:D hi there u know how i wish i can have a guy like you who'd cherished those time and is really even proud to post a blog.. keep goin and move on p're :-)

shiiramari said...

every girl dreams of finding someone who will love her as sincerely as you did to your girl..
Life is full of uncertainties and pain but always remember that God always have a wonderful plan ahead of us..So live life just as sincerely and as passionately as you have loved...

Anonymous said...

I guess its true that when a woman dont display her affection much to her man...the more the man will go after her! Well, after all men were born hunters.
Been doin that and it pays!

Anonymous said...

nice...is this real? i wish i could love a guy like that. then life would be more interesting. so tired of being manhid :)

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