Tuesday, September 12, 2006

Realizing my roots


Today I just had an epiphany - a realization. It's amazing how you can get lost in the tangles of the web and weird things you discover while following links. Watching a certain porn movie about pirates actually spawned my curiosity about pirates in story. Out of the curiosity of pirates I actually stumbled upon their existence in Spanish history and eventually Mexico. I remembered my father mention that our earlier descendants was one of Mexico's national heroes.

Like all futile battles for freedom he was himself arrested and shot. Just like the fate of all heroes who fought for their people he was shot in a firing squad, which was reminiscent of Spanish justice during those times. And just like the fate of all idealists, my ancestor was stripped of everything he had. Humiliated, discredited, made to look like a fool and his family cursed by the legal system for all eternity, he died a criminal - a nobody. That's what the Spaniards wanted him to be. It would be long after his untimely demise that he would be recognized by the modern citizens as a hero.

This man strove hard to do things I would only imagine. The gratification he would reap would only come long after his existence. I keep thinking about the things I took for granted in my life. Things that he would've killed for to have. Yet here I am throwing it all away as if I saw it everyday, which I myself knew I didn't. Here again I am stuck with that same pondering moment if I should do something great with my life as he did. I would hate to be a big disappointment to my bloodline.

I realized that I am too selfish and too passive to do anything that would require positive results that would arrive longer than a few minutes. I am too impatient for delayed gratifcation and my impulsive behavior to act too quickly is my weakness. But I have improved everyday not to jump to conclusions, not to act too rashly. Fools, after all, do rush in.

I look back at his legacy, perhaps this day I found him was my moment to discover who I am and where I came from. I may not be special like he was but I had the power to make it so. Perhaps I've had the ability shape the world all along, I just don't know it yet.

Oh, well, "he who knows but he knows not he knows. He is a fool. Shun him!" I will remember this until I find more answers. My questioning nature has brought me to a man I never knew but his blood is in my veins. Perhaps his passion carries inside me too.

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