Thursday, December 14, 2006

Loneliness Embraced

Ever since I was in elementary school I was always the person they counted out. Not that I was a freak of some kind that would shun you away at the very sight of me but I was at least, even by my standards today, normal. I was a kid who enjoyed the same things that every other kid wanted. Perhaps the peer pressure of not having what everyone else had made me the outcast or perhaps I was a little too high spirited at that age that kids would consider me - WEIRD.

Anyway, it did hurt me a bit but even since then I had a knack for being resourceful. When the human race turned it's back on me I went somewhere else. Perhaps the imaginary world of a child I created that world. Up to this day I have created an elaborate variety of fictional worlds that may even make any modern day movie to shame. I have explored both reality and fantasy during those lonely times. I went to the library and visited the garden from the micro to the macro points of view. I believe I have learned more than any kid my age ever could. I could literally give the details about grasshoppers, lions, dragons and even ghosts. Nothing wasn't interesting to me. The world became my playground and even my school became too small for me. The world has been shrinking since that day.

In highschool, while my sex-crazed classmates were drooling over teenage girls in other schools I was busy with my own deep thinking. I have been called every imaginable word of ridicule during these times. At first, it was an annoyance but then I began to accept it. This is who I am - different in so many ways to them. What they thought of me is just a paradigm to them. Non-conformance was the outcast's path; a path I took that I did not fear shame or rejection. Few kids survive from this torment - I wasn't one of them. At least I find comfort in the fact that today, these halfwit losers are either dead or miserably married.

A lot of things have lead me to the path of being lonely. Everything I did since my early days has always been deliberate. Since my childhood I have long accepted the fact that I was a loner - someone who thinks differently and shunned by many.

As I think about it today, I kinda like being the way I am now - still a loner. I answer to no one and need no one. There has always been an inexplicable harmony the way I live my life. As long as no one gets in the way, I'll be fine. If anyone gets in the way I run them over. If I can't run them over I eventually find a way to tear them down.

As I have survived more than a full year of bachelorhood I again begin to rekindle this lost appreciation as well. I began to wonder why I gave up THIS life to be dependent on someone else. Sure finding your better half is a good thing but these days it's never that simple and I am not sacrificing this life for something so uncertain. Unless they find a good formula for love I'll take my chances with myself. After all, you can't rush these things. Believe me, I made that mistake four times already. Just like my relationship with every other human being in my life I have learned to accept the fact that we all move on and someone HAS to get left behind or lost along the way. I still cringe at the thought that I find myself needing someone to be by my side; that I would somehow forget what it was like to be alone; that maybe when this sense of dependence is gone I would pathetically brood over a life that I left behind but have returned to.

I sometimes wondered what many twisted paths and chains of thought I took that brought me to this way of thinking. At first I thought it was unusual (something that shouldn't be a surprise given my history of deviance) but then I realized it was just a normal human philosophy that many men before me have thought. "That at the end of the day you only have yourself to make you happy." What the hell, right? It's a rare case to see someone stand by your side through trials and tribulation and defiantly defend you till the ends of the earth. I, for one, have not found such a person except maybe if I were to stare at myself in the mirror everyday.

Yes, I enjoy this life. I have found my peaceful serenity in myself. A chaotic mess of thoughts, dreams, ideas and conception. In this anarchy I have my laws, my rules and my order. It's no wonder why I can't sleep at night; my mind never stops working. My mind is trapped in eternal time. Its sense of imagination still the same since my childhood that I don't know whether to feel ashamed or be proud of it.

Many times in my mind I have imagined myself being alone. Days, months, years and decades. My mind has the uncanny ability to simulate time across ages. I feel no remorse or depression towards loneliness. I sometimes imagined myself marooned on an island. I can't help but wonder why does everyone I know fear being alone? Haven't they figured out that the world of humans is far too evil and corrupt to stress trivial things such as loneliness? The human existence is far too vile that the thought of living together has become somewhat of an uncertain and unstable truce. "Sure we can have peace. Don't mind my nuclear missiles aimed at your house. They're just for insurance." "Insurance for what?" "Insurance that we WILL have peace."

Pathetic.

On the road to self-discovery we pass that same phase akin to the path of recovery from loss. We feel DEPRESSED, IN DENIAL, and finally ACCEPTANCE. I have accepted my lonely life in this lonely world. I embrace it.

4 comments:

anthony fr. manila said...

you make urself happy, alone, does it entail touching yourself in an unmannered way? that's creepy dude. Joke

Just checking out people, ur blog is really deep. That's a compliment, you made my blog look like a gossip page for a daing-wrapper magazine.

Bad thing, your blog is like the primer for the psychology of the psycho-lunatic, post depression stage.

And I think your not a loner, you talk or write too much for a loner..

Ciao, peace out.

CH4:D said...

Geez, why does everything have to lead to sex? C'mon, dude, you know better than that.

I didn't know this was a pre-depression stage. I think i've passed that already. Like I said, if there are some things you can't change might as well accept it. There's no point bitching and whining about it coz nothing can change it... sort of like our salaries. LOL

bing said...

"On the road to self-discovery we pass that same phase akin to the path of recovery from loss. We feel DEPRESSED, IN DENIAL, and finally ACCEPTANCE. I have accepted my lonely life in this lonely world. I embrace it."

^
I couldn't agree more and you couldn't have said it any better. Nice one.

"My mind is trapped in eternal time. Its sense of imagination still the same since my childhood that I don't know whether to feel ashamed or be proud of it."

^
Touché.

Anonymous said...

i can see myself from you of being lonely...

i know and you know that something is always missing!


~jc_hitomi~

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