Friday, February 23, 2007

My Idol That Wasn't

Since I already mentioned in my previous blog about my childhood I guess it probably needs no introduction.

Let me tell you about a kid that I used to looked up to. He was my next door neighbor. My first friend in this life as far as I can recall. I used to remember the times when we played G.I. Joe the whole day and that every time he made our whistle signal I would run scampering out of the house eager for another self-made adventure. He would come up with new games, new ideas and new hobbies. It didn't matter to me as long as we had a good time. He was sort of the alpha-male in our trio with my brother. Whatever he said, no matter how idiotic and how impossible it sounded, he had a way of making it convincing. After all, he had the IQ of an honor student that neither me nor my brother had that level of intelligence.

My parents often pointed out our degrading behavior as someone with no backbone. Well, if overprotective Mom and Dad didn't do almost EVERYTHING for us when we were kids we wouldn't lack that sense of confidence.

Perhaps today I realize that the only reason I looked up to him was that he was everything I wasn't. I mean he had everything. The guy had the looks and the above average intelligence to match while I was a ball-headed fat kid with a flat nose and a less than satisfactory academic record. He had the best toys, the newest toys and he could do and venture into anything he wanted while my parents never even allowed me to venture more than 100 meters outside our home. I was a prisoner in my own home. My way of living would put Cinderella to shame.

We eventually moved out of our apartment and I never did quite hear from him again. I did drop him a line once a year and eventually got so busy I forgot about him. Last I heard after that was he was in rehab. He was also kicked out of school for organizing a fraternity. I'm not sure if it was in that order.

I really feel sorry for him now. The guy threw it all away because he found out he was adopted. I know I probably could not fathom how he felt but even today he should have learned to realize and to count his blessings. He had an adoptive mother that loved him like he was her own; everything he ever wanted he was granted. What more could a kid want? Yeah, I would want those things he had.

I recently met on the net his best friend. News was that he was divorced, going in and out of rehab centers and prison cells in the United States. He had a gorgeous wife they said. Tsk! Tsk! Another waste of life. You had everything, dude - even after you were on your own!

I really find it amusing that who I idolized as a child was no different from the rock bands my high school classmates worshiped. While they were still busy idolizing fictional people running through cassette tapes and eventually CDs I had high regard to a real live friend who had everything and threw it all away on a truth.

I look back at my imperfect childhood. Sure, I missed a lot of things a child SHOULD have gone through. I could've went camping with my classmates. I could have been picking up school girls while I was in high school. I could have had a nice car. I could have taken up sports or mountaineering or some extreme sport. I had none of these. Some people had it going for them and threw it away for pathetic reasons.

Up to this day I could still humbly say that I am nothing compared to most of the people I know. Yet every now and then I hear one of them losing themselves to the dark road to nowhere. It goes from unplanned pregnancies, alcoholism, gambling, scandals, crime or some just plain quit on life. It could well be any fucked up excuse there is.

I always expected that one way or another I would go down the dreaded path of misdirection as they did. I just didn't expect that they'd go there before I did.

I am still here.

Tuesday, February 06, 2007

Career realizations

Shit happens.

Yep, it's inevitable. One way or another we are unwitting victims to Murphy's Law. However, in my book Murphy's Law has some holes of opportunity in it.

Three months ago I got suspended from work due to non-business use of company resources - by THEIR judgment not mine. Apparently, in this company engineers and IT technicians know more about my job than I do. Now being an anti-employer person I took it as if nothing happened. I really didn't care if I was getting suspended or getting fired. There I was going out of the office with a big smile on my face. There goes the last drop of my professional soul. I could throw ethics out the door as well but I may have to do that at a later time.

It is in times of crisis that you really get to see things in perspective. After all the late nights of work and countless occasions of being forced to kiss a white boy's ass, what do I get? My manager feeds me to the very people who have wrongfully accused me of abusing company resources. It's a nice feeling to know that the person who's supposed to have your back ends up stabbing it. Someone else gets the leading role and the promotion and I am the one slapped with a "need to improve" notice. My, God, this company has an interesting incentive program for hard work! I used to think that the program management joke "the rewarding of the non-contributors and the punishment of the innocent" was just mere sarcasm. It's not funny now that you're the punchline.

The suspension being "rewarded" to me was a sign...
that I should stop taking my company seriously because THEY don't take me seriously.
that maybe I should find a love life in the real world than on the Internet.
that I should dedicate 1/4 of my time for my job and 3/4 for myself. It used to be the other way around. This is the turning point in my life right here! I've seen more people throw there lives away for this reason than with any other vice I've known. Some people go the career path and never quite come back out of it alive. I'm still 29 years old. I want to salvage what's left of my life instead of wasting it all away on THIS. This was the time I've made that choice. I may never have it again.

As the story of Capt. Hernan Cortes goes, he burned his ships to prevent his troops from retreating. My manager friend told me not to burn bridges. I think otherwise. Although it is not necessary to do so I am NOT afraid to burn bridges in my career. Why would I want to go back to a company who was unkind and unfair to me? Even if that wasn't the case, why go back at all? This advice obviously sounds like anticipated desperation. I'm not that desperate! If the reason was for background checks it isn't that hard to tell your next employer that your previous one had a serious case of being mentally disturbed (try the pedophile excuse. It works all the time with former expat employers!). Go figure. With any luck and some pity they'll probably promote you to manager right away. They'll proceed immediately to removing 15% of your brain, which, coincidentally, is that same amount of brain activity we use to think. But if you're getting laid err... paid two times than your last job the loss is negligible. If you're the type who did NOTHING in your last job you won't even miss it.

My former-colleague-promoted-to-manager advised me to be a little more civil about some of my frustrations. He occasionally talked to me in private in his office and he would give me this half-smile that would project his feeling of awkwardness of his new role and looking at someone he likes to taunt on a daily basis. Contrary to his advice, I don't throw flowers to garbage. A large chunk of the world only understands the language of violence. No matter how you try to deny it, the only way to survive in this world is learn a little bit of your primal instincts.

I thought that this was it but for the first time during my stay in this company I can shamefully say I was wrong. Wrong in choosing.

Sunday, February 04, 2007

The Psychoanalyst Syndrome

There's one born every minute! It's some whimsical retard always yapping uncontrollably about what you didn't or did do as a result of your naiveté or spontaneous result thereof.

To put it in a "Websterian" context (dictionary for you retards) I would describe the Psychoanalyst Syndrome as:

"noun. A person with an inexplicable impulse to analyze someone else's behavior, actions, outcome of these actions or manner of thinking (more on the negative side) with the sole intention of gratifying himself/herself with the thought that he/she has degraded or belittled the person by means of judging them through their actions."

They also have the sense of satisfaction that they "think" they know you because they just figured you out. That being said we sometimes (ironically) encounter such people in the most dreary moments in our pitiful lives. While their intentions are PROBABLY noble, their agenda is somewhat twisted. These people apparently relish the thought that you actually feel more miserable than you already are. One word out of your dilemma and they immediately and nonsensically start this chatterbox impulse to rant endlessly about it like that overbearing mother you WISH you never had. When they're done with you you'll be in worse shape than you were before - feeling so miserable and even to the point of being regretful of the things you never even bothered to care about. You probably shouldn't even care in the first place!

Okay, so maybe they aren't inexplicable considering I have just explained their chain of thought. How about despicable? LOL. The Psychoanalyst has just been psychoanalyzed!

I once came across such a pitiful soul a few months back. They called her "ate" (big sister) because of her ability to give "sensible" advice. I read through her advice in the forum and all I ever see are just lines and lines of nags while outwardly scolding the problematic person. I briefly became her acquaintance for a time. She was intelligent to talk to. (at least by my standards) However, it usually comes to a point where we argue a lot and frequently asks me if I'm pissed off. Considering I was already in a state of passivity I really didn't give a rat's ass to what she thought. Nonetheless, she still kept asking me if I was angry as if she was discretely MAKING SURE I was pissed off. No dice, babe. She was far too much of a pathetic, bitter soul to put me down.

She eventually read through my entire blog site and became perplexed at how my actual nature contradicts my literature. How can I be two personalities at the same time? I simply replied: "So it's to make sure people like YOU don't figure me out." The psychoanalyst has fallen! Her prejudices and pretenses came crumbling down like a house of cards. For someone who is used to an outcast and being shunned ("misunderstood" according to her) she ended up deleting me from her buddy list and her Friendster. Touché! This is for all your victims!

I admit that I am an occasionally bitter guy but I somewhat find an amusing comfort in the thought that there are those that are already beyond the borderline of being bitter to being plain pathetic.

True friends do not speak to you this way. They make you feel better, NOT make you feel more miserable. So it's about time you start realizing who your friends are.

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