Thursday, March 15, 2007

What are the top 5

...rudest or offensive statements you've heard
Inspired by Ichelle

5. "As a web developer you are expected to spend more time... and your job is just like our software engineers. "
The calm before the storm. Apparently where I work everyone knows more about my job than I do. Kinda makes me wonder why they hired me in the first place. Perhaps they hired me for my good looks and irresistible charm! :p Apparently they also have trouble distinguishing my daily activities as much as distinguishing job positions. It's called mental retardation - stop being a wallflower and seek help! I hear electroshock therapy is not as scary as it sounds.

Do you think I'd be able to give this team the product they need without these so-called "outlawed" activites? Wake up and stop feeding me to the pack of mindless rabid gerbils!

Perhaps they may have removed more than 15% of your brain when they promoted you to manager. So the rumors ARE true!

4. "Di na pwede di nimo buhaton, bai, kai ako man gud kasab-an ni _____ ana." (at 11:00pm) (You can't pass this task off because I'm going to look bad in front of ____)
I admire your honesty. You've got balls telling me in front everyone that I have to do my job to make YOU look good in front of our bosses. Good job! Because everyone else in the team didn't think you had any balls, pussy! Well you got what you wanted. The fact that you got promoted in spite of all your failures (100% failure rate) and consistent ignorance had us all raising our eyebrows. Kinda makes us wonder WHAT REALLY HAPPENED. As for me, you had me raising my blood pressure for MAKING YOU LOOK GOOD WHILE DOING NOTHING while I, on the other hand, get rewarded with a "need to improve your performance" memo. WTF! You put us through hell cleaning up your shit and you ratted me out over nothing? Well, surprise, I tried doing the same thing but surprisingly (and not surprisingly in a personal sense) your boss didn't seem to mind. Free reign! Again, WHAT REALLY HAPPENED?

3. "You should consider doing this in the NEXT FUTURE."
Okay. So it's quite obvious you need INTENSIVE English training from your English teacher wife (which I find disturbingly ironic). I'll try to ignore the fact that this line never did make sense to all us of here in the first place. Perhaps it's the fact that your midsection is highly more developed than your brain that you either have lost track of time (by milleniums) or you believe in reincarnation. Either way I won't be alive long enough to do whatever it is you want me to do.

If it isn't so hard, spend a little more time on the treadmill and enter "10" minutes on the timer. Maybe on YOUR NEXT FUTURE you'd be in better shape. :p Oh, and ask your jackass colleague to join you because apparently HE lost track (by decades) about when he was about to start working out. I'll bet both of you will spend your NEXT FUTURES arguing about when and where to start. I'll try thinking along the lines of INFINITY.

Okay, I admit this doesn't sound rude or offensive but it is annoyingly - well, ANNOYING!

2. "This is not my forte but yours... I think we should do this.... (a long list of nonsense tasks follows where he has absolutely no idea what he's talking about or how stupid it sounds.)"
Although grammatically correct, this moronic contradiction of ignorance and being a control freak sort of makes you more of the pompous jackass than you already are. Nevermind the fact that you are physically incapable of receiving input unless the company paid a huge sum for you to learn useless crap (that I can give you for free) so you can use it to update your resume for your next job. This inherent inability or disability of yours makes it more excruciatingly impossible to work with you without spending hours of justifying what he hell I was talking about in the first place.

I mean, c'mon! You're admitting your ignorance in our jobs but you're telling us HOW to do it? Maybe you should run the whole department by yourself! That would save us all the headaches and maybe I can spend more time on indefinite vacation leave while job hunting in Singapore or Dubai or somewhere.

1. "We're still in the process of selling ourselves."
First and foremost I am (or we are) nobody's bitch! Deal with it! Given the indisputable fact that I am brilliantly good at my job (along with everyone else) while at the same time utilizing each other's skills for our own productive needs, our bosses have faith in our capabilities. So if there's anything to sell, we sold it 2 years ago! I, for one, have nothing more to prove. Perhaps it should be made clearer that YOU are selling yourself to them like the whore-ass bitch that everyone thinks of you. Four letters for you - S-A-L-E. I recommend 90% off your salary to make it worth their time because if it were me there's NO WAY IN HELL I'm buying your bullshit!

Closing words for this blog: "This is one hell of a bridge I'm going to enjoy burning. Hell, if I had a nuke I'd drop two on it!"


anonymousme said...

I think i know this guy... wahahahahahahah.... :)

jaded_chellee said...

kinsa mani sila??

What others are yacking...