Sunday, April 22, 2007

Long time

I realize that I haven't really written anything deep for quite some time. No thanks to the immoral people and demoralizing treatment under office conditions. Oh, well, that isn't an excuse.

I guess maybe there's kind of a little dilemma I have between being ambitious and enjoying a laid back life. We have to make a choice. I realize I can't have both. Any half-wit workaholic can deny this claim all he wants but that's all that is - denial.

I guess I have been too caught up in so much emotional things when, in fact, the fights I was fighting were not my own or that I cannot fight on my own at all.

Fact is, I hate oppression. I hate being oppressed and I hate being helpless. It scares me or even everyone to think that they cannot do something about anything. So there was oppression where I worked and my "hero" instincts just kicked in. At the price of my personal dignity I sought the justice that could not be given.

All that was pointless now. I realized that there is no way to fight this war at my own methods. It was time to adapt - again. No problem! My specialty! I see a need and I must fill it.

But how far can I go? I know what some of them did to get higher and further. I know I can do better - I always could - but at what cost?

I talked to my parents regarding all that I've learned in the corporate life and I must say the sure way is also the most morally sacrificing way. I could either live with a conscience and go nowhere in this job (only if I'm lucky) or I can set aside my soul for a one shot way to the top. The cost? Oh, not that much... just the respect of your colleagues who you probably would not care about once a fat paycheck and all the power in your hands. Who bothers to look back when you're at the top? Doesn't matter how many people you struck down or how many lives you've stolen. Is this the kind of life I want? No. I've thought about that last year already. My life BEFORE my job. I've put that worth ahead of me.

There's also the hard way but at least it makes you the sharpest professional in your craft. I follow this path. Showing skill rather than talking about it. This is, by far, the most stable way of doing things. The above is just a short term method in terms of comparison with this. One way or another you will fall and if you apply the former method then you fall hard.

I always believed in a perfect world. Where people who help each other succeed. I'm in a world of my own according to someone. Oh, well, at least my world is happy. How about yours? Oh, yeah, you haven't really moved on! I guess that makes two of us living in our own worlds. :p Well, at least no matter how both of you try to put me down it only serves to deteriorate how the people look at you. I can live with being a slacker, can you live with being scandalous?

Power corrupts.

Saturday, April 21, 2007

Say my name?

One quiet day I was at my desk when one of my colleagues walked up behind me. "Chad?"

I was awoken from my usual daydreaming when hearing my name struck me as strange. It felt as if I haven't heard it for years. Like maybe I was tuck into solitary confinement and probably driven to madness by the isolation. But neither things happened and solitary confinement would probably a welcome change from this hectic pressured life. Nonetheless, it gave me that weird sensation - the sensation of familiarity and longing. But that wasn't all.

Given my sarcastic and dark spontaneous humor I always get that feeling of guilty when I hear my name. Like when my mom used to firmly say something when she was being serious. That feeling was there now. Perhaps any minute he could mutter something heartily serious to me on this ordinary day of days. No such thing was being said.

That was just it! There wasn't actually anything serious he firmly wanted. There was no anticipated nagging or annoying reminder. He just wanted to see if everything was okay - the usual manager stuff. Although it somewhat bothered me to a disturbing end, it was just nothing.

It still bothers me to hear my name being said in a somewhat soft and calm way. Maybe I'm just being caught up in the moment that I didn't stop to think that there actually people around me and not just mindless drones rack-a-tack-clicking on their computers.

Saturday, April 14, 2007

Pathetic ingrates!

Just got mail from my credit card company.

"Because you've been such a good cardholder..." or "We've increased your credit limit..."

It's kinda ironic that a company that I couldn't give a rat's ass about except for my need to borrow small sums of money actually "appreciate" my patronage. Nevermind the fact that the message was autogenerated by a computer. Hey, at least a computer knows how to be grateful!

On the other hand, a certain company that I work for is a complete incompetent ingrate.

What others are yacking...