Monday, October 22, 2007

My Goodbye (resignation) Letter

Much to my creative cruelty I'd like to strip down or spruce up some things in the words I say to spare everyone the humiliation or angst.

Below is a letter I sent on the last day of work along with the original thoughts (aka commentaries) in bold italics. Names have been modified (not changed) to instill maximum insult and humiliation where necessary.

Subject: Ladies and gentlemen, it has been an honor.

As I venture into another stepping stone in my quest for greater challenges, I cannot continue without first looking back and show the gratitude, pride and humility (all at the same time) that it has brought me to even know some of you exceptional individuals. Of course, not everyone has the convincing power to be a hypocrite but I believe I pulled it off pretty well over here considering humility is the last of the traits I can learn from this company. Challenges? Yes, we all seek it! Especially, when the job I held had no apparent future. Think along the lines of the FBI ranking non-special agents as mechanics and janitors.

As I mark my final existence in this broke printer company's system and hear those BROKEn magnetic locks shut behind me for the last time (presuming it doesn't get stuck halfway and cause mass hysteria on the security staff), I take with me the memories, both good and bad, for they have served me well in all circumstances. The good memories help me relish how interesting it is to work with all of you and how much fun we had in and out of work. The bad ones, as well, serve as lessons and consequently serve to reinforce my confidence in myself. That, indeed, I deserve something better. These experiences are all blessings no matter which way I look at it for they have helped mold my self-defined code of ethics. As much as everyone in management is glad to see my anticipated departure, this was me telling them to kiss my ass. Good thing I have my own set of rules and these rules define the integrity and credibility of how I do my job - two things this company doesn't seem to possess.

I can honestly say that my team and my department has always been a driving and motivating force that influence my career everyday. To quit!

To J.Lo, who has been my mentor and overbearing big sister that I never had, thanks for being the open door and open ear to all my frustrations and wacky ideas. I also thank you for giving me the opportunity to lead the team for 5 projects and its eventual completion and success. Because of that, it has reinforced my confidence that I can tackle larger challenges and you have proven to me that I can lead – I never thought I could but I did. You made that possible. :) Suffice it to say you created a monster with a humongous ego! Unfortunately, the hidden rule that I have to sleep with my boss is a level of LOW that even a half wit and self-righteous employee such as myself is unwilling to go. I'm not doing it with her and that's why I'm leaving! Anyways, at least I have proven to be an efficient and exceptionally skilled individual. Hell, I could do their marketing department's job and they have been known to be ineffective. Unlike a certain someone with a 0% success rate and only proceeded to improve his career at my expense as well as everyone else's expense.

To THE-ONLY-WHITE-BOY-THAT-MATTERED, who inspired and motivated not only me but everyone in our past team to work for this BROKE printer company since day one with his unique ideas and challenging concepts, I thank you for your guidance and inspiration. You are a great man not only to us but a great example of deluded dedication. You are a great role model for all of us. Yep, I'll bet this was one practical joke that left most of you guys laughing at me. But then again, I bullshit you, you bullshit me. I tricked you into hiring me and you tricked me into believing that this company actually had the decency to be a upstanding corporation. Everyone had their share of the fun. Oh, well, I'm allowed to make personal mistakes. Unfortunately, companies aren't.

To the BROKE printer company, thank you for the opportunities, the privileges, the memories and for being instrumental in my career path. Free ink, free paper, a computer, an Internet connection and a printer to boot for printing all those resumes to submit to other companies here, abroad and online. Everything else... what opportunities? There were none!

(Deleted paragraphs) To my manager, contrary to what you said, "thank you" is enough to repay me for everything because apparently that's all that this company can afford. Apparently, in your haste to come up with a hypocritical answer the two words you would die NOT SAYING to me came out of your fingers. Can I forgive you? When karma catches up, yes, I will!

Update 2009: A former colleague informed me that said manager was "demoted" (although demotion is not possible in this company) for being ineffective. I can't say I'm surprised. Who would expect anything more from a person who sits in the corner and never talks to anyone?

To the white fat guy who's so full of himself (literally) and can't mind his own business. You always taught me that saying nothing is the best way to stay out of trouble. Ironically, a friend of mine wound up dead with 19 stab wounds in a motel also chose to keep quiet. I'd rather be a dead squealer taking everyone else down with me. Apparently this company only rewards people who squeals first and denies the other one the same justice. Thank, God, I never sent those apology letters. I don't apologize to ingrates and I don't need to save myself from this company. Broke companies don't deserve apologies, they are OBLIGATED to explain their downfall AND give me an excuse to keep work for them! It's like a beggar asking me to buy them coffee!

Update 2009: I was informed that said white fat guy died of a heart attack. Probably after cleaning up the company's email virus outbreak (and they had the gall to RELY on the judgement of their IT staff?!). I also found over Google that said white guy was an outspoken expat on dialogues about their quality of life in the Philippines and that he will be missed. The said comments had me screaming in my chair. Outspoken?! The guy was a troublemaker! And one of his peers had the gall to call Filipinos gold diggers?! WTF, dude! Reality check: You white boys no longer have any money! I hope you burn in hell!

To THE-2ND-LEVEL-WHITE-MANAGER-WHO-ONLY-REPEATS-WHAT-HE'S-TOLD, the fact that your replies always seem scripted makes me realize now that it was for your own good. Otherwise, you might blurt out some deep hidden fantasy of you trying to suck my balls. Better be a puppet than be a gay scandal, eh? It's all right. I forgive you. Just like the fact that I forgave you for helping me realize that honesty, hard work and all that bureaucratic bullshit your company whines about was actually an endless trail of my career to nowhere. Also, stop claiming to be "just like us" because the company did not give each of us a high-end house in Ma. Luisa, we are not PAID IN DOLLRS and our attendance is actually checked by human resources. If you decide to accept being paid the same ridiculous salary we are being paid THEN you can say you are "one of us" (you can keep the house).

For the rest, it has been a great 3 years (please! leave now while you still can!), 1 month and 14 days (and xx number of OT hours unaccounted for in the system =p). This is not a “farewell” but rather "see you around". I felt so sorry for your poor financial standing that it always made me feel guilty for charging you for a task that I know I will regret doing.

So, see you around. ;) And KISS MY ASS!


lindo said...

This is very nice resignation letter. I am drafting mine too.

phoebe said...

this is cool! haha

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