Monday, January 28, 2008

2008 January Reflections

"It's when you start to grasp the complexities of life - that life HAS ups and downs and that it is not as simple as idiotic prophets claim it be - that life itself becomes meaningless."

I glanced upon the open window in my room. A myriad of lights, a chaos of horns, engine roars and unintelligible human babble has replaced the quiet and lazy blank lot that once overlooked my room. I'm over a hundred miles and in a different room now. The question still lingers if I have changed as well. The answer remains to be seen.

It has been a year and two months since that fateful day that has caused the unraveling events that have led me here to this very place and moment. My world is different now. I no longer sleep in a large room with nothing but silence outside. The ruckus eleven stories down is my sweet lullaby of slumber. The company of five other roommates beats the loneliness in this alienating city. I doubt I could sleep in my old room now.

In spite of all this, I still have a feeling that I don't belong. This place has long been a dream place of mine. But then again, when did I ever belong to anything? While the place is no different everything feels the same. The corporate life is no different wherever you go. I have been doing this shit for a long time that I have kept my distance from my new colleagues and my new company. The way I see it I may forever be disconnected from my professional life. Everything that has happened to me so long ago has emotionally affected my faith and respect not only for my field but for every entity that promises me a career in IT. It's no wonder why this field is in the last ten of the most satisfying job. I fear that I don't have it in me anymore. I don't know if I may be content with all that has happened or if I am no longer satisfied with it all. As someone who has been in the the field for a long time would agree that this job is hardly satisfying. I'm just sick and tired of having to help or put people down to fight my way to the top. I may not have a conscience but I am still a rational person.

For more than a decade my life revolved around computers and technology. I was playing video games and finishing them all long before anyone ever did in my school. While everyone else was talking about girls, basketball and sex in high school I was thinking about hard drives, RAM and microprocessors. Before the Internet I was talking about hacking, modems and BBSes. I learned three programming languages and serial communications in a matter of only three months. I proposed the first thesis of a dynamically generated website with a database using open source technologies back in college - probably a benchmark of future thesis to come. I have been doing online shit for 7years and I still see no end to all this hype of stupidity.

It has been a long journey and maybe I just want to do something new for a change - something that doesn't involve computers to an obsessive extent - to make up for the life I threw away for the sake of foolishly dreaming of being part of something new. I'm out of steam. I just don't have it anymore. What's important is that secrets in my field is kept with me.

But in a way I am thankful for that one catalyst that put me in motion and brought me here. I cannot afford to feel sorry or be guilty of ANY company I find or leave behind. It's a dog eat dog world here and we as unwitting participants to the rat race should be ruthless as the people who employed us to run their company for them. It's time for a change.

So I toast to that one company who has taken my conscience and my sense of respect for every IT corporation it stood for, I thank you.

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