Monday, October 20, 2008

Slow Dance

The rain made a steady downpour outside. The idyllic moment of their romantic dinner by the mountains was made cozy by this humdrum weather....

He looked into her eyes and could not help but see a thousand moments in just a single stare... But they had only seen each other these few days. It really wasn't that much and it sure as hell wasn't enough.

There she was - that woman he saw only a few times more than a decade ago. Changed. Different. The same? It's all of those at the same time. But he knew no less. It was her. All these years he spent wondering - pondering - about that girl with the mysterious stare. Why wonder about a passing face? Was it just coincidence that led him to hold a piece of his memory for her?

A long held memory. A chance rendezvous. He didn't believe in coincidences and yet here he is. The odds are stacked up against him. This was no accident that their paths crossed again.

A familiar tune is played by the jazz pianist...

He never did this before but it was now or never. he gazed in her eyes and shakily said: "Will you dance with me?"...

"What?! The floor is empty. Everyone will be staring at us." she replied.

"So?" he said, smiling and winking at her. She gave out a sigh - a slight sense of interest but hesitation in her voice. He stood up and held her hand. It was tense and a grip of reluctance in it. Then they slowly moved towards the dance floor.

They stood in the middle of the dance floor. The overhead lights slowly dancing a slow parade of shades around them.

He held her waist. His hands a little sweaty and shaking. She was scared but so was he. "Don't look around." he whispered.

She closed her eyes and held her arms around his neck. As if in a teasing and deliberate fashion, the lights were now on them and the whole world just disappeared. There was only the shadowy glow of her hair and shoulders in front of him and different hues of colors overhead.

It was just them and the music....

This was going to be the last time they were going to be together in a long time.

The music was just teasing his emotions...

"Saying goodbye
Is never an easy thing
But you never said
That you'd stay forever"

Damn, he was miserable and happy at the same time but he didn't care...

"So if you must go
Darling I'll set you free
But I know in time
That we'll be together"

Shit! He wanted to fight the thought from his head...

"I wont try to stop you now from leaving Cuz in my heart I know..."

"Love will lead you back
Someday I just know that
Love will lead you back to my arms
Where you belong
Sure as stars are shining
One day you will find me again
It wont be long
One of these days
Our love will lead you back"

He fought back the urge to give in to his emotions right there on the dance floor. The song was depressing but it also gave him hope. How he wished the story of their love would unfold as the song did. Ah, but that was just pushing his luck. He just wanted to enjoy this moment because he never did anything this stupid before. But he had always been a romantic. He was in it for the experience.

So the music went on and the night and the room didn't seem to matter. She was in his arms for as long as he could hold her.

She had to leave soon. It was a path she took for herself and her family. He understood the reason. It would be selfish of him to hold her back. This was a brief moment for their paths to cross. Some paths take a long time to part but some, as is his case, part as soon after they meet. This was how fate decided one's path in reality.

Photo credits by Vivian Chung

Saturday, October 18, 2008

To fall in love with Cebu

What would it take to fall in love? A gentle hold of the hand here. A kiss there. It all starts with some extra-ordinary chemistry between two people.

What is there in a second? A single heartbeat happens in a second. An eternity? It does take that long to make up your mind but it feels longer than that, does it?

After all this time I have come to realize that my heart only belongs to one place. The place of my birth. The home of the most amusing sets of people in this country. It's where I get my occasional bouts of humor from. The place where such humor is simply just tongue-in-cheek.

So from now on when people ask f me if I'm in love, I will always be.... to the place where I was born. The place where it's nothing like the place I am now. There are places to have a good time but it is nothing like home. It's simple but I enjoy myself. Beer and food is cheaper. Fine dining is ridiculously expensive and the servings are unfair. I admit that my new home has grown on me but nothing beats my life here. I have to accept the assholes (including myself) crawling in this city but it is and will always be my home.

I have been to SOME places in this world but my mind only paints one picture in my life.

In my heart... there is no better room for this:

Beautiful, breathtaking, unforgettable. I will always be in love with this.

Friday, October 17, 2008

I'm quitting IT

After nearly 15 years of working on computers I have come to realize that this may not be the type of thing I can see myself doing for the next 20years. My, God, to even think that I can become sterile staring at a monitor for hours. The fact that I can literally go bald solving problems of some asshole white boy who earns 10x my salary and I get jack shit for it!

I'm just simply sick and tired of the corporate life. The cutthroat paradigm of eat or be eaten. It is not in my nature to put people down and advance my career at their expense. No, sir. I maybe be anti-social but I don't harm any human being for that matter. Perhaps this was the reason why I was singled out in my previous job. So therefore I'm no longer stooping to this unethical, ass-kissing and toxic environment.

So as I have been paid a ridiculous sum of money for doing nothing I have taken that idle time to rethink my ridiculous life as well. These are the alternatives I have thought of so far:

Culinary Arts
Remy was a rat and so am I but I have always wanted to do all those neat food tossing tricks in the kitchen. Nothing beats the skill of feeding people and showing off your skill in taste. Of course, that's if I am gifted with the sense of taste for fine dining. Drawback? The courses to take for this dream costs anywhere from 50,000-200,000 pesos - and that's just the introductory course. I shudder to think of the advanced courses!

Flight School
Suffice it to say I have always wanted to be a pilot. My first dream job was to reach the skies. Freedom. My parents couldn't afford flight school so the inevitable outcome of this dream was to crash and burn. However, there is still a glimmer of hope here. I now can afford this class by my own means. The question is having the time to do it. What I wouldn't give to be anywhere in this world anytime I want to. I won't lie to you - I hate to travel but until they invent a way to teleport people this is my only recourse.

There's still a lot to do in this fragile life we have. I need to see a lot of this world before I move on to the next. I have wasted my past playing safe, regretting the things that never was and wishing for something more. I guess the time has to do something about it.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

My dilemma is a rhetoric conundrum

If I don't let this out they might as well drag me to the next mental asylum.

Silence. I had no idea that it would be an unsettling moment - the teasing presence of your visage still fresh in my head. The traffic outside this cold taxi would be enough to keep me awake all night and yet there was nothing here. Again. Silence. Emptiness. I close my eyes.

This was reality. It was time to get back to it.

I must have said "good bye" a dozen times before letting you go. I must have looked back over and over again. I must have had my arms around you for as long as I can remember. I must have stared at you for hours even though it was only a few seconds before your heavenly image finally disappeared around that corner. I'm almost compelled to just chase you and hold you in my arms but I know that I would never see the end of it. Will I ever see you again? I'm almost too afraid to ask. But then again, I'm also too afraid to know the answer. Here I go again, playing safe. Do fools rush in or does this ridiculous quagmire spell a variant of stupidity? Was it wrong to see you again? Why don't I have any regrets even if it continually hurts me to see you go?

I was despondent that I couldn’t look anyone in the eye. My hair would obscure my eyes enough for me to sweep secretly past the living room. I didn’t take any chances. I didn’t even open the lights in my room even though someone was awake there. Although I mindlessly conversed with my roommate in reality I was fighting with all my might to hold back my despair as I tearfully unpacked and made my bed in the dark. In the darkness, truthfully, I just didn’t want to see myself like this. Although I didn’t want anyone to see me cry, I was lying to myself. I didn’t want to see myself cry. I don't want to be this pathetic. Your phone messages didn’t make it any easier to fight the pain. *sigh* I am a slave only to myself. The tortuous emotions just came flooding in to no end. Each time I pressed a button it was like a battle for control over my emotions and myself. I was losing. I didn't know what to say so I just rambled on about my frustration. Such simple tasks and yet I am nearly powerless to do it. This wound weakens me.

How can you doubt me? I gave you only the best of me - something I was never able to do. How can you deny my feelings even though my very heart that beats unreasonably for you continues to break as I enter every letter here? No matter how much it falls apart, no matter how much it breaks and no matter how much it hurts I know that all of these will never be enough for you to believe in me. It breaks my heart even more! Do you hear me? I LOVE YOU! Can't you see that? How do you want me to say it so you would believe me?!

Even though I don’t know, don't see or don't hear every pain you have gone through that compels you to push me away I can feel them every time I'm close to you. Pain is pain and so I don't have to experience yours to understand it. You still continue to haunt me. A bittersweet addiction to a countless maelstrom of emotions.

But this suffering not real to you, is it? My eyes are swollen and sore. My head is pounding with every heartbeat. I’m starving. But none of these are relevant because all of this - all this pain - isn’t real, right? I must be some dumbfuck who didn't get the punchline of a joke. My mind cannot manifest these feelings because I am in a level of dismay far greater than physical weaknesses. And my heart? Ah, my heart… The very organ that beats loudly in the night breathing in your very existence feels like it’s gone even though it now peacefully beats in an unnoticeable pace. I close my eyes and an hour passes. The pain is still there compounded by a feeling of emptiness. It’s like the void where my heart had been is now a crushing vacuum pulling inside me so hard that my every breath cannot compensate the overwhelming loss. Is this a part of me falling apart? I don't know. I have hurt myself many times over but I have never felt anything like this. I was imploding on myself.

Am I being punished somehow?

What should I do now?! This is an inevitable stalemate. A conundrum is my dilemma. A question that is either forbidden to answer or unclear.

So here I am now crying out this emptiness in the void of Cyberspace where no one can hear me. I'm still keeping my promise but this entry is now a mark you have made in my life. A line of an inevitable scar tissue. I will treasure you forever as I always did all these years. You have become that person who got away. You are far more deserving of that in my life.

Saturday, October 04, 2008

For no apparent reason...

I feel like crying over nothing... except that my tears are a wasted chance of happiness. Maybe it's just something I don't want to talk about at the moment.
I somehow feel broken-hearted... except that I have no idea if I was in love to begin with. I was told that it doesn't seem so and that only makes it hurt even more.
I somehow feel not good enough... except I did everything too right. Is that wrong?
I feel lost... except this is it just misplaced feelings?
I feel like I just broke a promise to myself... except why make godly promises for a human being?

"Do we dream because it cannot come true or are they dreams because it can never come true?"


Love Department: CLOSED

Another stark realization in my life. It's one of those stages in my life where I should just take a hint and quit now and cut my losses while I'm ahead. I was never much a quitter but, then again, I also do not play in a game where the odds are not in my favor.

Due to my lack of a backbone to chase the ever elusive "one" I have anything but a successful conclusion to my love story. These are highlighted that:
  • All the women I like are either UNHAPILLY married (making sure that we can only look at each other but not touch) or;
  • Are INFORMALLY separated and would cringe at anything resembling a penis. This includes my head, fingers, toes and, yes, surprisingly, my penis. Go figure.
  • All the single women suddenly decided to be celibate (as if for some unknown reason this is even remotely possible) at the same time Lehman brothers declared bankruptcy.
  • Some came back because for some strange reason they found out I'm earning close to a million per annum. Girls, let's stick to your original perception of me. I wasn't good enough for you then and I'm still NOT good enough for you now. This is as close as you'll ever get to me.
  • I am too fucking slow because I am such a FUCKING LOSER.
Fate has a way of mocking the predicament of either the impatient or the inexplicably and densely stupid. Soooo.... Just to show that I have anything but a childish sense of humor (and be a good sport of the imaginary thing that controls my life) I have to relate to the sardonicism in fate's humor. So, Fate, here's to you: Hahaha.... Good one!

So let it be known to all that my delusional quest in the love department in this lifetime is on hold - indefinitely. This is now a matter of principle because apparently this is very easy for everyone else. So if by some miraculous (and I do mean MIRACULOUS) twist in fate's erratic thinking, someone does come along, that girl would either have to a) hunt me down or b) would have to fall right on my head and kill me instantly so I would be dead and happy, thus, maintaining my stand in quitting while I'm ahead.

Wednesday, September 03, 2008

The Joker. My critique on the man

Before all the spandex and the silly man who wore his underwear outside his pants there was only the Dark Knight. Somewhere between his story was Alfred's story about his life before Wayne.

Alfred: When I was in Burma, a long time ago, my friends and I were working for the local Government. They were trying to buy the loyalty of tribal leaders, bribing them with precious stones. But their caravans were being raided in a forest north of Rangoon by a bandit. We were asked to take care of the problem, so we started looking for the stones. But after six months, we couldn't find anyone who had traded with him. One day I found a child playing with a ruby as big as a tangerine. The bandit had been throwing the stones away.
Bruce: Then why steal them?
Alfred: Because he thought it was good sport. Because some men aren't looking for anything logical, like money. They can't be bought, bullied, reasoned or negotiated with. Some men just want to watch the world burn.

Alfred was right. Of course, he may have his own version of the character he was talking about but there is another term for this and a lot of modern day heroes fall in this category - even Batman himself. You see, people like these are seen time again as the ideal people. The character in Alfred's story isn't just watching the world burn but is after the basic thing that most egotistical people want - GLORY. As one person describe's Lara Craft: "While others want the money she's just in it for the glory."

Earlier in my life when I was young, naive and foolish, I, too, was in it for the glory. I couldn't be bought, bullied, reasoned or negotiated with. I prided myself for my loyalty and, frankly, that hasn't gotten my anywhere! If my bosses would ask me to hijack our competitors' armored car I would do it so I could burn their daily earnings right in front of them. That goes without saying that I'd do it for free!

The disturbing thing about being the Hero or The Joker is that society unwittingly gives you the right to be manipulative where you can "introduce a little anarchy and upset the order". Both the hero and the villain puts the world in chaos by either their absence or their presence (hopefully in that order.)

I relate to a lot of things in the Joker's character in many ways but the following are my favorites:
1) He prefers to use knives than guns due to their usage being "personal" between him and his victims. I agree. I like bladed weapons as well. I simply cannot shoot somebody at close range in a scuffle but I can blindly cut anyone near me without having take a second to aim for them.
2) He enjoys reminding humanity of its weakness and relishes on the misery that manifests itself on this weakness. In the real world, one of the boats would have blown up by now. Nobody is as upstanding as they claim to be. Thus, break a plan and everyone falls into chaos.
3) He is not necessarily a person you would attempt to interpret or understand lest you want to come out with some form of body injury that requires stitches - lots of them.

Today it's all about the money. In the world of Supermans and Batmans where you can project to the world an image that you are invincible you can live off the rest of your happy life basking in glory. In the real world, you don't live forever, you can't shield bullets and you can't afford a crime fighting car so better settle for a high paying job. And when you're done projecting a facade of being glorious than you really are, you can move on to other people who look at you as a bigger hero who, at the right price, can be bought, bullied, reasoned and negotiated with. It's that time in our life when we stop playing superhero and start being a man - human.

My advice: Take the money because glory, just like love, doesn't pay the bills. Grow up. You always do.

Why I blog

Maybe I'm just rolling with the fad or maybe I am subconsciously begging for attention but some readers have commented that for some reason I am a "good" writer. *cough* *cough* A little padding for my ego there. *cough*

However, considering that I rarely have visitors in my blog this gives me borderline freedom to say anything about anything and anyone so don't blame me for calling your mom a dirty little slut and your religious prophet a bloomin' fag who sodomizes children because you weren't here to read about it. I just simply love to exploit the irony of sharing free information while at the same time be amused at the ignorance caused by human pride. :p


Perhaps I am here now because I like to talk about the things I WANT instead of some underpaid school teacher asking and grading me for my opinion about something that I don't give a jackshit.

Looking back, I can still remember my elementary principal nagging about my lack of words about an essay our grade six teacher asked us to make.

"Your grandfather was a great writer so don't disappoint me. I expect more from you." Sheesh! Like I would be interested in writing about my thoughts on fairy tales (like why Snow White has fetishes for orgies with dwarves) when at that time I was already reading about the theories behind the Egyptian pyramids! (that and alongside my recent discovery of a book in our library about fucking - sexual intercourse for the literate)

Finally and for the record, I mostly blog about love or work because the rest of the overgrown crap that's out there is something that doesn't concern most of us. I'm filling in the niche here that nobody wants.

Tuesday, September 02, 2008

Too late or the right time for commitment? (or just keep waiting)

I saw her again. After all these years I have searched but she found me instead. So much has happened in the times we have not met. Time has a way of entwining our fates. Who am I talking about? You may think that I am talking about the one who got away but I'm talking about someone totally different. This was someone far way back in the past - more than a decade ago. I've only known her for a short time and yet her beauty and her charm has never escaped me. She was unforgettable. So unforgettable that she was one of those women in my life that even long before she has left my life I would see her everywhere.

I just realized that there had been a lot of girls in the past that I could've loved. I was such a torpe (insensitive) guy back then. These women were far more deserving of me than all those mistaken relationships I've been through. Here was Chad always settling for second best because I always thought that I wasn't good enough for the best. Sigh... Yet here I am regretting those hearts I could have wooed that wouldn't give a second thought of me being the Mr. Right for them.

While fate has a way of punishing the guilty it also has a very subtle way of protecting the innocent. As a consolation, I always told myself that if I were to look back at me then, immature, childish and selfish (actually I still am but in a very amusing way), these girls would be no different than those I loved before. Perhaps it was just a stroke of blessing that I shouldn't be loving them at a time when I wasn't responsible enough to love the right people. Maybe I loved the wrong women so I would spare the good ones the worst in me.

They say that a person who truly loves you has seen the worst and the best in you and still look and love you anyway. I would like to add to this the belief that not only will the right woman love me but will also be a good person to herself and to others (although not inherently) that she only brings out the best in me and forget about the worst. Mom always said that it's the woman who brings the family and the man together. Find the wrong one and your life and your future goes spiraling down the road of despair.

Let's face it, oil prices are rising. I have projected my ridiculous salary from today and into perpetuity. In no way can my savings or earnings afford me a family of my own. Am I making some sort of mistake in my calculations or are men just genetically incapable of budgeting for marriage? I mean, I factor in a house, utility bills, a baby and all expenses that come with bringing it up as well as taking care of a wife not to mention the occasional vacation getaways. I just can't add it up to something I can spend quite reasonably even if I'm earning one hundred thousand a month! Has the modern economy made it impossible or even too late for me to catch the commitment wagon? I don't want to follow in the footsteps of those who think marriage is something we should hurriedly rush into and within a few years they start killing each other. Even if they DO survive each other they still have to survive the world and all the storms that reality rains down on them. This again reminds me of the urgency to find the one person I can trust because these days you just can't trust anyone with yourself. I'd like to remind myself that mistakes are costly and when it comes to marriage it's a long term cost of yourself.

There are a lot of "those who got away" in my life but life is too short to live with certain regrets.

Monday, August 25, 2008

What goes in and out of my mind

Some people's brains are wired specifically to comprehend certain things: like the ability to understand integral calculus while another can comprehend biology.

Here's a simple list of what my mind can and cannot do:
1) I can remember most quotes and who said it - presuming if I knew the author. So I do my best to know who they are.
2) I can remember most experiences with most of my friends. Mostly, I remember them because they are experiences with hot chicks or they are awkwardly and humiliatingly amusing. ;) However, I can go as detailed as remembering what we said in our conversation.
3) I can't remember people's names for longer than 5 minutes. I have the worst case of short-term memory loss when it comes to names. This becomes a problem when I read novels. This can be very helpful when someone wants me to forget something.
4) I do, however, remember sequences of numbers (like phone numbers and numeric patterns) but I also suffer from the obsessive compulsive urge to verify three times if it's correct anyway.
5) I cannot understand Tagalog grammar despite the fact that I'd probably have better luck understanding Japanese or French or some native Filipino dialect.
6) I can remember places, locations, directions but like hell I can't remember street names.
7) I can understand complicated plots in movies even if I can barely remember the character's names.
8) I can recognize western actors but I can't remember any local actors.
9) Professionally, I can understand PHP or C and all programming concepts but for the life of me Java is like a nightmare to understand despite the fact that all three are virtually syntactically similar. It took me years to understand Java BASIC programming. How pathetic can a programmer get?
10) I cannot comprehend abstract ideas unless it is described to me in an illustrative manner. If I cannot visualize an idea I cannot understand it. i.e. Idea A is this and that but not this. Therefore, this is true if and only if situation A contradicts situation B. (would not be comprehensible to me) But if you continue your idea with an example like "For example, Idea A would be a rock on a hillside and pushing it at Y fps could accelerate it to X because of its mass (M) would be pulled by gravity by a factor of 9.8m/s. bla bla bla". Suffice it to say some lessons have to be lived to be understood.
11) My mind is also wired in a way where I have common ideas but for some reason I cannot name them (perhaps because I can't remember names). This gives me great frustration in delivering my ideas to people who may already or should have understood what I'm talking about but due to my limited ability to simplify it, I cannot make them understand. Case in point: Organizing data in a database so no info gets repeated or is repeated to a minimal level is called NORMALIZATION or when two terms contradict each other is called an OXYMORON. However, I cannot remember the term normalization or oxymoron although I know what they are.
12) Being left-handed, it takes a moment for me to digest when someone tells me to make a right turn because I'm always thinking left.
13) I am completely capable of blanking out my emotions on a dime. I don't freak out easily at the sight of violence, gore and mass panic. So while the whole world is going to chaos I figure out first what the fuss is all about before deciding act like a fool. I have been exposed by too many stupid things that humans are capable of doing that virtually nothing seems to surprise me anymore.
14) I'm a hopeless romantic. Don't ask.
15) Lastly, I am good at starting over with everything I have lost in the past.

Choice, an illusion?

Ok, maybe I watch too many movies or I am probably the common uto-uto of society. Oh, well, there probably came a time in Einstein's life where he was probably considered an idiot.

I have posted a long time ago about a dream I had about having six choices and more recently the myth of monogamy. After watching the Matrix Reloaded again I cannot help noticing the dialogue of the Merovingian and the Architect.

Friday, August 22, 2008

Bad Marriage Survival List

Let's face it. Marriage is risky. THere's always some gold diggin, superficial and duplicitous bitch out there lusting for what you got.

Bad Marriage Survival List:
1) Store my money in a trust fund NOT under my name. If the money isn't mine it isn't conjugal property.
2) Register my properties under the name of a trusted relative. I know this is a big risk but it's nothing compared to the risk of some bitch running off with all your shit under the protection of conjugal property.
3) Emotional preparation. I know, I know... There is no easier way for this but I have always been good at emotionally preparing for mentally draining challenges so I guess this life should be no different. This bitch will be messing with my head. No doubt about it! She'll be rallying friends to her side and she will be using our children as bait for getting her way with me. I would like to make this clear today and apologize to my future children that I didn't mean to abandon you guys but if your mom had her way, we'd all be dead. Wait till you're at legal age then you can decide if you want to be with me or not. Otherwise, you're stuck with her and there's nothing I can do about it unless you can prove that she is more of a drunkard and an addict than I am.
4) Am I insured? God, if I were worth 4 million it wouldn't surprise me if my child's toy car would be on the stairs no matter how much I try to set it aside or the fact that my car seems to break down more often.

My basic rule in money lending

I really don't care if your relative rolls over and drops dead. As a rule, I do not lend money for relatives of friends!

I don't mean to sound heartless but I know when to draw the line about certain things and this is one of them.

It always works like this:
1) Relative asks you to find money to borrow - probably by feigning illness.
2) You borrow money from me.
3) I give you money.
4) Relative forgets to pay you back
5) You can't pay me back or you end up paying on his behalf.
6) You or I end up being broke.
7) Relative completely forgets about debt.
8) I will end up sending people to kill him and his family, which consequently leaves me more broke but satisfied. This is also presuming if someone else hasn't killed him first. :-/

It would have been safer if you asked for a donation. At least I wouldn't be too frustrated about expecting something back. That's the reason why they borrow money in the first place - because they can't pay something and obviously they can't pay you back! The circle of debt continues. If you don't believe me try feigning your own illness, I'll bet you they won't bend to one side in monetary department except some words like "our prayers are with you". Prayers don't pay bills so don't give me any of that religious bullshit!

If people get hurt so can you. So if you decide to give financial support to a relative, simbako tomorrow you could be in an accident. Where will your money be by then? With someone else and you're going to die because you have no money to pay the hospital.

It's a messy cycle, believe me.

Friday, August 08, 2008

The Hitman's Choice

Inspired by future events (an unfinished story)

It was just a few moments ago they were running for their lives from people wanting to kill her employer.

There he was mindless wandering his gaze at her. She was still as elegant as the day he met her many years ago. Her long, permed black hair and brown eyes only served as a charming torment to him. What he wouldn't give to have her again; to feel her close to him once again was a fantasy he would so willingly welcome. But that was him then in another life where the life of one mattered. This life, sadly, no longer required pity - or love.

The job must come first. It must, because he knows she wouldn't hesitate to put him in second place and this was the real reason she left him a long time ago. A woman wouldn't hesitate to leave a man behind for other things while it is the man who only pretends to have the guts to leave. His life depended on her death.

“Why did I ever let you go?” She spoke in the midst of his thoughts.

He didn't know what to say except to tell her the truth. He knew all too well why she left him but he didn't want her to remember. It would just be a game they'd be playing all over again.

"You know I've always prayed for the day that one day we'd get back together." He answered. "I never found anyone else after you."

In truth, he chose the life he has now shortly after he lost her. It was a life that didn't require emotions. It helped drown all the sorrows; the bitterness; and, the desperation.

"But that just isn't me anymore."

Although puzzled by his response she held him close and kissed him deeply. This was the kiss he knew all too well but the feeling was long forgotten. Even though a hint of emotion came, the job must be done like it always did.

She didn't notice his suppressed 9mm Beretta slowly creeping up her chest. It made a weak puff as the hammer made the only audible sound in the large hall of her home.

She gasped in shock as the bullet lodged in her heart. She could now feel every flow of her blood coming out of her for every beat she knew her life was one drop closer to the end. Death's arms was always open to everyone. He didn't judge the sinner or the saint.

"Why?" was the only expression her face can muster but his face showed no emotion as she falls to her knees and her body falls limp on its right side to the cold marble floor - her hands still desperately grabbing on to him. She was still alive but barely.

With her dying breath she stared up at him - a single tear begins to shine from her right eye. "I just want you to know that I always loved you. I never stopped loving you. Please forgive me." But he didn't care. He wouldn't believe her anyway. All that love-turned-hatred clouded all sympathy he had for everything. To him the world was a bitter place where people deserved to die on the other end of his barrel. There IS a price for human life.


He casually walked to his waiting Audi A4. The matte black finish prevented any glimmer or glare from the full moon and passing traffic. He gave the area one quick scan to see if nobody was looking and drove off into the darkness - the neighborhood oblivious of the incident - not even a dog can be heard barking. As usual, he was as smooth in his task as before.

The rain started drizzling on his ride back to the city. She had chosen a beautiful spot in the mountains for her home and a very convenient location for him to carry out death's deed. Was he death himself? He wasn't religious enough to make the connection.

As the lights of the city slowly became visible his thoughts again drifted to her, something he never does to the souls he sent elsewhere, he reminded himself he had long forgotten her. Yes, it was a long time, wasn't it? So many faceless victims, nameless casualties and so many unjudged lives but the thoughts of her still linger in him througout his trip.

He was tired and surprisingly despondent. He felt something warm trickle down his cheek and it began to immediately feel cold as the cold air within. For the first time in a long time he wept for his fallen victim.

"I love you too. Forgive me." He whispered. No one could hear him now.

Tuesday, August 05, 2008

The Myth of Monogamy

To borrow from the title of David P. Barash's book I have chanced upon while watching Penn & Teller’s: Bullshit!, it has come upon my twisted way of thinking that there may be a point to this book. Earlier in life I couldn’t imagine the thought of an infidel partner or even myself committing this “sinful” act. Then I realized, after forsaking all forms of religion, that I began asking the sincerity of my personal beliefs. At the time of this writing I have not yet found or even read an excerpt from this book but the show gave me a pretty good idea of its point: That we, as a human race, are polygamous in nature - even my dad claims this and he didn't read the book! Let us forget about all that religious bullshit about us being “human beings” and that we are “capable of reason” because it is just another form of denial about our association with the animal kingdom.

I really can’t say this is surprising since it has been, in man’s history, a form of arrogance that if we are financially or mentally superior than everyone and everything else we tend to separate ourselves from the “inferior”. Animals aside, we even boldy go as far as separating ourselves from the rich and the poor or the intellectuals from the artists. A human being is a human being just as an animal is an animal and we are still animals. I hate to break it to the priests, pastors or monks out there but monogamy is a "human-defined" practice and not a natural act.

Are we driven by reason or instinct? In every crime and every heroic act we have ever done, can we honestly say it was our sense of reason that guided our way? In love and in anger can we, by even a hint of hypocrisy, say that it was our mind dictating our actions? I have yet to receive a quote where our sense of stupidity for our emotions was not the reason for our very downfall. I wouldn’t say such things! I have realized this not long ago. Sure, we can be reasonable, but that is before or after the act is done. Those are the only two chances we have to act “reasonably”. Are we in control? Only on these two occasions.

This brings me to the title in this blog: The Myth of Monogamy.

I have realized this year that I cannot be a judge of even my own actions. I have, on occasion, “simulated” various scenarios in my life. Like what would I have done if I didn’t have any money and I would be out on the streets? What if someone threatened my life? What if someone threatened my family? The answer was simple and clear – even without reason: I would lie, cheat, steal and kill to survive. Would I feel guilty about it? Maybe later but in the moment all reason would have been out the door.

On some occasion in my past relationships I have questioned my own loyalty and I have even shunned friends who even entertained the thought of infidelity. But who am I to say that I am “loyal” if it is some other carnal instinct that dictates my actions? Yes, I have felt these urges. I have suppressed them in the past but as I become more resilient in some aspects of my thoughts and emotions there are those that I have begun to welcome. I too have experienced a sense of things lacking in a relationship and I’d imagine that there are things I have failed on my behalf. Yes, I can be selfish too!

I’m not telling anyone to shun or despise these “immoral” acts because I have already stated a long time ago that immorality is a paradigm and not an objective fact. I’m pointing out to everyone that this is the way it is no matter how much we try to quantify the contrary. We are animals with the basic instinct to copulate. This has been a proven and objective observation (Google is your friend so don’t ask me to be). Do not deny the inevitable

If this is inevitable what can we do then? For my part, all I can do is accept it. This is the reality of it all. The sooner we all accept this the better this aspect of your life will be. You will cheat and you will be cheated. I have put that in my personal paradigm and this has changed the way I look at relationships and everyone else. I do not despise or judge anyone with infidelity in their thoughts. Instead I sympathize. It also does not make me look at relationships any less. In fact, I have factored this in as a calculated risk. I just hope my partner has a drop of her humanity left to play it safe when she, by some act of intoxication or plain stupidity, let her instinct do the thinking.

No matter how honest or loyal we claim to be, there will be that perfect condition that will trigger a change in our actions and all the humanity that we so arrogantly claim to have will cease to exist.

“There is no reason. There is only cause and effect.” – Merovingian, The Matrix Reloaded

Sunday, July 27, 2008

The Rewards of Persistence and Smart Buying

My brother once commented that when it comes to buying gadgets I am very hard to please. This is, of course, with very good reason. I buy gadgets based on a need and it must meet a certain criteria. You have no idea how frustrating this compulsion can be.

My last 3 gadgets were chosen with so much scrutiny that even a few days after purchasing them I still suffered from buyer's remorse.

These were the following gadgets I acquired during my stay here by order of acquisition:

Toshiba Satellite M200-E431

I can honestly say I committed the one cardinal sin of not researching on the Internet about this but it was educational and a little too late. Being a PC enthusiast, I have never dreamed or planned on owning a laptop in my life. Remembering the days of my manipulative employers back in Cebu, owning one of those was career slavery. It would be just their excuse for me to work from home when I should be doing something else - like having a social life. I decided that I still needed one for my boring life here in Manila. It was literally a whole new scene for me. I needed no reminder that although a laptop and a PC were both computers they were completely different in their own right and choosing a laptop threw away all my EXPERT knowledge on the subject on PCs.

I was lucky enough to chance upon a laptop installment promo for the month of March. This was where my meticulous habit of choosing gadgets started kicking in. I place my decision solely on how much I wanted to pay in a month. Given the prices in the store, I settled for a maximum of 5,000 pesos per month for twelve months. Defining the budget then enabled me to decide on the product. Given the less than satisfactory after sales services for electronics here in the Philippines and coupled with the pathetic specifications available for sale I was already frustrated. It took me at least two hours to choose a laptop and that was AFTER I spent the night browsing through their catalogue. Honestly, at the prices laptops were sold in the Philippines I can get one in the States at twice the speed and half the price. If you were to choose the same lappy here it would cost twice as much and half the services, priveleges and perks.

Anyway, given the features I need and don't need I was able to make a sensible decision on the Toshiba Satellite. The only thing I wished it had was a matte finish. Given my clumsy nature and oily fingers the thing would be a mess.

A touch of style for my vanity; A touch of power for my programming and graphics uses; A good screen that's not a strain for long usage; A comfortable keyboard; And, all the capabilities for wireless convenience. Of course, I'd wanted a PC card slot so I can use my landlord's Internet card. How, oh, how could I ever download my beloved porn if I don't have Internet?! ;)

This unit fit perfectly into my needs. heheh...

My rule is simple:

1) A fixed price

2) Specs to fit for the price with only minor trade offs to live without.

Playstation Portable

This gadget was spawned from my initial decision to buy an iPod with one of those JBL speakers. A majority of my friends have suggested a PSP instead due to its gaming capabilities. Being a PC gamer the PSP wasn't exactly at par with my taste in games but in the end I found myself buying one and found the games quite addicting. They were very useful in passing away the time. On top of that, it can double as a media player for my MP3s and movies that I don't have time to watch at home. Did someone say porn? :D

Creative SE2300 Bluetooth earphones

I always thought if you wanted to buy a gadget it should be universally useful for its intended use. It was hard to find a cheap bluetooth headphone let alone one that doesn't have a microphone. The requirements were simple:

1) Bluetooth headset

2) No mic

3) Not gadget dependent (exclusive for iPod or other shit like that)

The day I started hunting one down at SM Megamall I was nearly suckered into buying a JBL Bluetooth headphone for 13k. The oblivious saleman who claims to have previously owned a psp confidently claimed that a PSP had BT capabilities. What the fuck?! The PSP specs does not mention of a Bluetooth capability I don't usually argue about these things because I really hate being right about bad things. I hate being right. For some strange coincidence I saw a small stall for Creative Labs in the trade hall. I asked them if they had the BT headphones they had in their site. Sadly, they didn't have it but they did refer me to their other stall in the lower ground level. There it was, a small cabinet as well. But what really shocked me was just on the lower shelf and obscured from view was the SE2300. I couldn't believe my eyes! It was like seeing a Ferrari being parked in a shady province! This was after the saleman said they don't have BT headphones. I admit I nearly gave up that day and I originally didn't want to go to their lower stall. I didn't give another blink about buying it. You can't find shit like that anywhere else - even with the rare brands I listed down and found on the gadgets floor! My search ended.

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Office Bully

Maybe I'm just being paranoid or it's that inherited attitude of mine that no one is trustworthy around me but it appears there always one unpleasant person in the office that seems to get on your nerves. The office bully.

Why is it every time I visit the whole experience always fit within the profile they have defined? Again, this also leads me to believe that the site may be full of shit and that it is there to draw people and agree to vague points that they can relate to. Hell, any person could probably read that site and say with unflinching confidence that I fit the profile. Then again where I end up working isn't always MY COMPANY to begin with so I could conclude that I do not fit the profile on grounds that I don't belong there. A general rule is that if you have no plans on sticking around you can just bend over and take it up the ass. Period.

There have been some incidents that have happened on more than one occasion that it would be too conspicuous to ignore. On more than one occasion some external factor has caused a screw up on some aspect of their office politics that I am, by some twisted logic, at the receiving end of the screw up. Let me put it in a statement that I can connect but never understand. If a plane crashed through your floor, it would still be your fault that your job was not done on time. These people like to project an image that their clients aren't human beings, which is ironic since they apparently end up projecting that image on themselves. Most of all, I don't even care if the client is pissed or dissatisfied! Oh, the corporate life. (rolling eyes) I don't deal with unreasonable people. What was even more pathetic was that these clients find them pathetic too! There are more important things in my life than worrying about what the other guy thinks.

I really don't mind taking the heat since I have been paid a generous sum by the agency to act like a blithering idiot for their clients but what I can't stand is the fear-mongering these retards try to instill that is akin to a teacher scaring the bejeezuz out of little children. Now, if for some reason, these oblivious ignoramuses lock me in a room with no light, no windows and no access to porn I would have at least a pinch of fear. But to use old people from some god-knows-where-country to intimidate me is just plain CHILDISH. I'm not exactly sure if that tactic actually works because I never heard the end of it. Then there's also this "escalate" word that I hear quite often. Do they find the building elevators inconvenient? I am technically not part of their company. They know it and I know it. So what's with the fear-mongering? Perhaps they're used to getting their way through this method? Perhaps I am not "one of them" that's why they think they can manipulate me. Perhaps it's because when I screw up the entire company can blame it on my agency? Good thing I'm not part of a assassin agency or the building would be gone before lunch break. ;)

Before we continue I'd like everyone to understand that there's nothing to fear but the fear-mongers themselves. For all aspiring professionals wanting to come here, I would like you all to know that big name companies here are not exactly "big" names here because right next door is the competitor and the competitor of that competitor. In short, these people are a dime a dozen. Hell, you can literally make a career out of skipping jobs! So don't be afraid. Take the leap of faith.

Okay, back on topic. Is it because I am Bisaya? Perhaps these people forget that they are the minority in this country. Other people built this city for them. Hell, I don't even bother to refine my knowledge in speaking their dialect because it is completely useless. What for, when two-thirds of the time I meet someone on the street who speaks my native tongue!

God, I really hope the rest of the investors move to my city - or any southern province for that matter - so we can really see how big the shit will be when it hits the fan.

I came to this city with no expectations and with the sole purpose to accumulate some experience in my profession. I have kept a low profile and never even bothered to keep close personal ties with people I have met here. Yet some ass-kissing workaholic with no social, love or sex life bothers to take out their frustration on me by weeding me out trying to cause trouble.

I came here with no expectations and by myself but I never said I am alone. If they want trouble from me they will find more than they can handle.

Monday, July 14, 2008

Realities in Aging

It's probably my mid-life crisis that's getting me. The time when you look back on the things you did and didn't do. It's the time when you're stuck with what to do next.

Back in the 80s I used to wonder in amazement at the people around me - the same way my nephew now looks at us with the same interest in his eyes. I watched the once beautiful people around me wither with age I begin to realize that I am destined for that same fate as I also saw lives come and go before me. Why can't it be just like before when everyone around me was young and beautiful?

It's in these times of overwhelming reality - bloated by a growing world - that I begin to reminisce about the past life I once had. I sometimes find myself looking back at the times at how small the world was; the time when I didn't have to care about getting a job or about money; the time when there were only few people in my city that when my dad took me to ride a jeepney the drivers would recognize who we are and where we'd typical want to go. Now nobody knows each other anymore.

I used to remember my mother being young and beautiful and my father used to play with such vigor that a 40-year old could have. Much of our simple life was spent together in such simple joys in a world where the roads were smaller, the sun was milder and the sound in the air was quieter.

I still have fond memories of running around in my underwear and enjoying the warm sun in the morning. At noon, the air would begin to smell like cooking oil in preparation for the lunch later on. In the afternoon, I would begin to hear the idyllic sounds of radios tuned in to the AM stations. They were the form of entertainment by the housemaids. We didn't have the Cartoon Network back then so renting beta tapes were the "in" thing. The world was much bigger then.

My family also loves watching movies. Faces of the skinny but attractive people on the silver screen immortalized on film never seemed to age but as I grew older so did they. Immortality was just a frame on a camera but the medium does not live forever.

As I aged, I saw the people I knew breathe life into new souls and see those new souls grow into human beings - the future strangers of my city; future heroes; faces with no names; and, lives with unknown directions.

I still long for the simple life. Whatever the reason may be I am glad that I wasn't in a hurry to grow up. I enjoyed being a child. Where I stand now, I'd trade all of this away for the simple life I once had.

Tuesday, July 08, 2008


It's one of the ironies of life. The one moment you want the most and Mr. Murphy wasn't going to just hand it over to you. I'm talking about my elevator irony. You are on your way to work and the elevator just had to stop one floor before your designated floor. You just had to strangle the bastard through the door and move the elevator one floor up!

In my case it was early and I was still on my way to work and one of the typical disgusting experiences I have while riding the elevator just waddled her way into the elevator with only one floor to go. The bulging five foot nothing woman stood in front of us eclipsing the doors. I was afraid that if anything happened to us in the elevator this planetary body out of orbit would be the very death of us whichever way the elevator fell.

Finally, my floor arrived (Freedom!) and FOR-THE-LOVE-OF-ALL-THAT'S-HOLY this over-sized bowling ball went out with me. What the fuck?! You bugged us all for one fucking floor?! It's no wonder this anomaly of human mass and density exists! She can't even use the damn stairs for one lousy floor and she desperately needed the exercise! By the She-Hulk look on her face I can only cringe in assumption that she's not as bit as happy with her hideous predicament.

Is there a hidden rule somewhere that weighing at an unknown exponential value gives us the constitutional right to be assholes? It has always been my subjective opinion that being overweight is a matter of choice and not some damn disease that needs to be treated as what researchers are trying to do. You give lazy people an excuse to be lazy and they might as well find ways to just remove our brains and put them in some machine and make the sole purpose of humanity think. Not a pretty sight, ey? Why don't they just go back to finding the cure for cancer like they originally did?

I just wanted to scream "use the fucking stairs you fat lazy bitch!"

Monday, July 07, 2008

Life in America? A translation from the famous essay.

Okay, I haven’t written something mildly amusing reflective of my dark and bitter sense of humor that is in total disregard for human emotions for some time. I always waited for nice topics and opportunities as Triumph the Insult Dog would say, “to poop on”.

I was forwarded this email about the delusional life of the American Dream. The amusing points in this message sort of brought balance to the nosebleed I was having trying to decipher Tagalog – not one of my favorite dialects! I honestly can’t say I’m surprised with this one.

I was inspired to mimic this post while searching for other occurrences of this email on the Net. Yes, I know, “plagiarism is a clear sign of inferiority”.

So for the benefit of the non-Tagalog speaking readers out there I will try to translate this message to the LEAST of my abilities - exaggerated and blown out of proportion for mass hysteria.

Hay, Buhay America!
Lahat ng sinabi niya nakakatuwa at totoo.

Akala ng mga tao na nasa Pilipinas kapag nasa America ka akala nila ayos na at madami ka ng pera. Ang totoo, madami kang utang, dahil credit card lahat ang gamit mo sa pagbili mo ng mga gamit mo. Kailangan mo gumamit ng credit card para magka-credit history ka, kase pag hindi ka umutang o wala kang utang, hindi ka pagkakatiwalaan ng mga Kano. Pag wala kang credit card, ibig sabihin wala kang kapasidad magbayad.

People from the Philippines think that if you are in America they think that you are filthy rich. Nah, we're just filthy. In reality, the “white boys” are broke! Deal with it! You have to borrow money to be trusted with money. Hell, I don’t trust people with anything higher than 100 pesos would you trust ANYONE at all in the States who have a good credit rating with $1,000?! Hell, you need that money too! Why would want to lend anyone YOUR money or vice versa? To them, it’s a good thing to be in debt. It is my understanding that the majority the American populace want you to be just as broke as they are.

Akala nila mayaman ka na kase may kotse ka na. Ang totoo, kapag hindi ka bumili ng kotse sa America maglalakad ka ng milya-milya sa ilalim ng init ng araw o kaya sa snow. Walang jeepney, tricycle o padyak sa America.

They think that your wealth can afford you a car. They buy a Lexus, Mercedes or BMW. In reality, certain Filipinos who end up in the States also end up with swollen egos. To show off their financial success they culminate their financial stability by buying the car that looks best when you take pictures of you in it. The rest of the five years of their miserable life is dedicated to paying off the $25,000 car they showed off. Of course, you don’t take pictures of it after 2 years because it’s going to start looking like shit. Now in the States I can clearly understand that you simply cannot walk miles and miles in the freezing snow or the blistering heat of El Niño without suffering from exposure. However, residential areas are not accessible by the usual mass transit that we have grown accustomed to here in the Philippines. There are no jeepneys or tricycles overloaded beyond capacity that can take you to every nook and cranny in the US. Forget taxis as they are expensive. That’s why it isn’t a surprise to hear about people getting “lost” for years in the US. If you're single, no car means no chicks and, thus, no fucking for you. Oh, wait, that's the same here in the Philippines too! :O

Akala nila masarap ang buhay dito sa America . Ang totoo, puro ka trabaho kase pag di ka nagtrabaho, wala kang pangbayad ng bills mo sa kotse, credit card, ilaw, tubig, insurance, bahay at iba pa. Hindi ka na pwedeng tumambay sa kapitbahay kase busy din sila maghanap buhay pangbayad ng bills nila. Kapag hindi ka nakabayad ng bahay o apartment magiging homeless ka. Buti pa sa Pilipinas ang mga squatter ay may sariling bahay kahit na sapin-sapin o takpi-takpi.

They think that life here in America is great. To take the quote of Bill Gates’ Rule #10: “Television is not real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.” So you can kiss your Starbucks-moments-pretending-to-be-someone-important goodbye! You still have bills to pay and you can’t pay them by drinking a Frap. Honestly, I can’t exaggerate more on the homeless part. Informal tenants are still the same no matter what country you’re in.

Akala nila masaya ka kase nagpadala ka ng picture mo sa Disneyland , Seaworld, Six Flags, Universal Studios at iba pang attractions. Ang totoo, kailangan mong ngumiti kase nagbayad ka ng $70+ para makarating ka dun, kailangan mo na naman ang 10 hours na sweldo mong pinangbayad sa ticket.

They think you’re happy because you’re showing off pictures of Disneyland, Seaworld, Six Flags and god knows where. Of course, you have to smile for the camera and actually pretend you’re happy blowing off your entire year’s savings on a fucking vacation after which you’re going to spend the next year without food, electricity or water. On rare cases, it is a company paid vacation so you might have every reason to smile. Truth about this is that the company found out that you're working beyond capacity and, to ward off lawsuits, they HAVE TO let you loose temporarily. But for the rest of us who weren’t so fortunate enough to work for a company who pretends to actually have money to pay for their vacation this is consolation enough. Try not to be carried away about working for an “American” company. Most of them are broke. Hence, the need for outsourcing.

Lastly, if you are the usual squealing spoiled brat of a Filipino actor or businessman who got rich by robbing Filipinos in their hometown then you have the luxury to show off your cheap two-piece bikini (cheap by American standards) wasting daddy's money driving daddy's car and try to actually pretend to be one of the white boys.

Akala nila malaki na ang kinikita mo kase dolyar na sweldo mo. Ang totoo, malaki pagpinalit mo ng peso, pero dolyar din ang gastos mo sa America . Ibig sabihin ang dolyar mong kinita sa presyong dolyar mo din gagastusin. Ang P15.00 na sardinas sa Pilipinas ay $1.00 sa America , ang isang pakete ng sigarilyo sa Pilipinas P40.00, sa America $ 6.50, ang upa mo sa bahay na P10,000 sa Pilipinas, sa America $1,000++.

Akala nila buhay milyonaryo ka na kase ang ganda ng bahay at kotse mo. Ang totoo milyon ang utang mo. Ang bago mong kotse 5 taon mong huhulugan. Ang bahay 30 taon mong huhulugan. Ibig sabihin, kayod dito - kayod doon, alipin ka ng bahay at kotse mo. Hay, talagang mahirap ang buhay dito!

They think you’ve got a big paycheck because you’re earning in dollars. The truth is most people don’t understand the concepts of inflation or economics. The costs of items are directly proportionate to the currency. A pack of cigarettes, food, pussy or weed costs more in the US due to the higher value of the dollar. A house or a car here will take you just as long to pay here and in the US. So if I were to pop a tablet of ecstasy or hire a hooker I’ll take my chances here. Hell, Americans come for miles just for a taste of our women so I don't see why there is something they knew that we didn't. So let me get this through the thick skulls of deluded aspirants that there will NEVER be a case where you will be earning in dollars and spending in pesos! Deal with it!

If you haven't heard, the consolidated consumer credit card debt of the US of fucking A is already in the trillion mark. Congratualtations, you now have a contribution to it! You are a poor man with a house and a car that you can barely pay.

Madaming naghahangad na makarating sa America . Lalo na ang mga nurses, mahirap maging normal na manggagawa sa Pilipinas. Madalas pagod ka sa trabaho. Pag dating ng sweldo mo, kulang pa sa pagkain mo. Pero ganun din sa ibang bansa katulad dito sa America . Hindi ibig sabihin porke dolyar na ang sweldo mo, yayaman ka na, kailangan mong magbanat ng buto para mabuhay ka at manatili ka dito sa ibang bansa.

Many think of the American Dream especially occupations that claim to be “in demand” in the US. The Americans have already been disillusioned by the American Dream. Everyone who has ever been there knows that this is bullshit. The American Dream was a marketing ploy back in the days where America wasn’t America. These days they call it by different names: The Canadian Dream, The New Zealand Dream, The Australian Dream or The Singaporean Dream. The demand for people dictates where you will be going in the future. You are NOT in control!

Isang malaking sakripisyo ang pag-alis mo sa bansang pinagsilangan at malungkot iwanan ang mga mahal mo sa buhay. Hindi pinupulot ang pera dito o pinipitas. Hindi ako naninira ng pangarap, gusto ko lang imulat ang karamdaman at buksan ang bintana ng katotohanan sa ating mga mahal sa buhay, kaibigan at mga kababayan.

It is indeed a huge sacrifice for you to leave your homeland and your freeloading relatives behind. It is a huge sacrifice to no longer be able to disrupt the peace with your beer and videoke sessions. It is a huge sacrifice to be away from your drugs, women and sex that you enjoy in this country while getting away with it. It is not easy accepting the fact that you cannot buy pirated DVDs in your nearby Walmart because you actually have to pay $15 for the original. You can and you will got to jail for buying porn with your son! Money doesn’t grow on trees and the dollars in America are no different. I don’t want to destroy your deluded ambitions of the American Nightmare but the sad sorry truth is that all these points pretty much state the obvious. Stop the Colonial Mentality from propagating. America is broke! Stop adding to their problem! The Philippines is the real land of the free! There are no shortcuts in life!

Mabuhay ang Pilipinas!

Monday, June 16, 2008

Why Women Love Carrie Bradshaw

Well, for starters, she is someone most women can never be. An illusionary icon of female strength and independence. A woman with the proverbial "balls" to stay independent until well into her 30s with only a trivial fear of it. Yes, sir, she is one of the guys. ;) She also has a cool gang. Ah, and her signature clothes aren't so bad either. Fashionistas are always a turn on.

The sad reality here is that most women can't stand being single. (Ladies, before you let your impulse kick in, I would like to reiterate that I only said "MOST" and not "ALL".) Somehow they prefer to be married in their twenties because they fear that they will be undesirable in their thirties. They want to be "hooked" or "hitched" before all the men on this planet evaporate into thin air. I can't blame them. The men to women ratio these days is 1:(god knows how many). I don't even know where to put the third sex because they technically cannot reproduce!

What is it so imperative about being in a relationship anyway? I wondered that if they idolized such a woman why can't they live her life? It's like she's the Most Eligible Bachelorette of New York! Is it just talking the talk?

These days we tend to rush things but the world isn't as it was before where life and relationships were simpler. The only thing that needs rushing are your job deadlines. Sadly, everything else needs to wait. True, Carrie is, on occasion, desperate and frustrated but she moves on and the search for Mr. Right continues. In her world, she cannot afford mistakes. Her reality mirrors our own. I really love her character.

For Carrie, I'm pretty sure she will have no regrets in her waiting-dating game. It's frustrating but in the end it's rewarding. For the rest of the women out there, I would like you to wait, not for Mr. Right to come along but for you to reach that stage where you can think clearly with your soon mature mind. Only then can you decide if the man you are seeing is Mr. Right because where it stands in your early twenties EVERYONE is Mr. Right.

Sunday, June 08, 2008

What I am NOT to a woman...

I really take pride in my passive nature towards relationships. It is often a mix of short ang long term anticipation. I assure you that didn't come without the price of a kind of life long experience.

So to sum up what I have become so far:
I am NOT the jealous type. I get jealous but I don't become unreasonable. There's nothing the next guy could be better at loving her than I do. If she leaves me for another guy, well, she wasn't worth it in the first place. Women can smell weakness - get rid of it.
I do NOT run after women. Any girl who likes to be chased by his man or men has some serious attention issues. Suffice it to say I wouldn't go where the other men are going.
I do NOT stalk girlfriends. If they did something wrong, it will come to me.
I do NOT believe in second chances. If I screw up I will not receive forgiveness. I should provide the same line of leniency.
I do NOT necessarily give what my girlfriend wants. I prefer to give her something that surprises her.
I do NOT get myself killed for my girlfriend. Martyrdom is not exactly one of my shining qualities. I try to think of this in the long term. I die, she cries, she finds someone new, she moves on. In effect, not worth it! Why do something stupid over someone who's going to forget you in the long run?

There you have it. :)

I want a Morena

Ok, here's the dilemma again. People love white chicks. Hell, I love white chicks as much as the next guy. But the thing here is that I don't find them appealing due to their overrated desirability in popular culture. Hell, I swear that being white is probably one of most girls' lifelong goal. Sadly, if they have this perfect golden shade about them it would be like throwing away the one thing that makes them already beautiful.

I don't understand why most of society is disgusted at dark women. It's beautiful! It's like the sun and the sky personally chose these women to evolve into creatures deserving to withstand their godly presence. Like the personal goddesses of the sun they project a radiance that no white skin can ever equal. They have been chosen to shine only when they are needed - in the presence of Ra. This is probably why most people misunderstand their color. They literally see them in a different light - light that doesn't give them justice.

I wonder what it would be like when Ra makes love to them as is the case when they are in his presence. The beauty of their union is evident through the golden glow shining on their skin and in their soul. It's as if their radiance itself is a materialized sexual peak.

To adore, worship and be embraced by their heavenly glow would bless me so much with their love that all the world can disappear around me and I would be in her world and her world alone.

I imagine myself slow dancing with her with this song in my head:

"She Goes All The Way"
Rascal Flatts (feat. Jamie Foxx)

No limits, no lines are drawn
The whole world disappears when
We're alone
That thin white cotton dress is
Blowin' in the wind
She takes my hand and the dance begins

With every move she makes
I'm deeper than I've been
Holding on and letting go
She just keeps givin' in
Takin' me higher and further
There she goes again givin' more than
She takes
'Cause it's more than love she makes
She goes all the way

No questions, no talking at all
Only the sound of our hearts as they fall
No matter what I need, her answer's
Always yes
I only have to dream and she does the

Ooo, ooo, ooo
My baby goes all the way, the way
She goes all the way
My baby goes all the way
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Empty for some unknown reason...

My, God! I'm single again! But that last hitch really got me asking about the sincerity of my intentions in a relationship.

Ever since my dull and tasteless life as a teenager I've always imagined myself to be a romantic (N.E.R.D.). The kind where I would get the girl drunk after a candlelit dinner somewhere and molest her in her stupor, you know, that kind of thing. But then again, what girl in her liberated mind says "no" after all the romance has ran up to the peak. :D I shit you not that this can be disappointing on occasion!

I won't lie to you. Every guy just goes through all the trouble to get laid. My problem is I don't where to find that one girl who I wouldn't get tired of boning.

"Show me a beautiful woman and I'll show you a man who's tired of fucking her." - so true.

Seriously, this is one hell of a dilemma I am in. Finding the right girl that I wouldn't grow tired of being with. Someone who'd enjoy being stupid with me. Most especially, someone who I wouldn't mind forgetting to use a condom on because I am afraid that nine months later I would face the reality that I have multiplied and did the most horrendous act of letting a new life see the miserable place that is humanity.

It's very unsettling that I may not settle down. That I am unable to trust anyone with myself or with my feelings because some heartless, pretentious person would put my mind through this emotional torment called "Love" - and marriage (I shudder just thinking about it). Sheesh!

As much as it surprises most people, yeah, it is tiring to go from one relationship to another with no satisfactory end in sight. You get happy, you get frustrated and sometimes you get depressed in all this roller coaster ride called life. But love, very disappointing! You end up wondering what all the fuss was about.

It now feels like becoming a celebrity and realizing that the air on top isn't as sweet as it sounds.

Monday, May 05, 2008

Things I learned about life in Manila

Be armed... with 20s
Taxis usually shortchange. The less money they can rip from you the better. 20 is a good small number. So the most you can lose is 5-10 pesos. 500s or even 100s are dangerous!

Mistakes are costly... minimize them
You take the wrong ride home or to your destination using mass transport and you can end up in a place far from it. Corrective trips cost money and in the likely event you take a taxi instead remember the above topic. Same goes with finding a place to stay. You come in with insufficient info and you may end up spending a little too much for your home.

Sleep on your belly... when going to overnight outings
The place is crawling with fags so who knows one might try to grab you by the balls in your sleep.

Ask for more... starting pay
I.T. is always short on manpower. In the end, it's not about the skills - it's about the need. Supply and demand!

Try not to make a career... out of job hopping.
Every month someone gives you a call offering a 25% increase in your current salary. By the time you land your 3rd job hop you'll probably be earning 3x than before but at the expense of your reliability. This vice can be very obsessive.

Use mass transit... cars are useless here.
I recommend the MRT since there's no traffic and it's faster. Cars don't get you anywhere if you're stuck in traffic two-thirds of the time. Imagine the fuel loss and environmental impact!

No smoking... if possible.
You get your daily dose every day while you commute. :p

Be wary... of scams.
Don't use credit cards in shady business establishments. Unless you're explicitly looking for a cheap bargain item don't buy anything considered "brand new" in unknown stalls. That being said, mainstream stores costs 15%-20% more but you get peace of mind. Decide at your own risk. Be wary of people approaching you about investments or other financial matters. Just say "NO". Never claim to have a credit card when someone asks you.

You get what you pay for... in restaurants
I never grow short of a good meal in good restaurants here. Sometimes I get more than what I pay for. That is, of course, in comparison to my hometown where I barely get a full stomach on a P250 meal. :)

Tagalogs love... their celebrities.
I wouldn't dare mention that I have an utter distaste for their icons whose names and faces are a complete mystery to me.

Tagalogs hate... Arroyo.
Because of the point above, being a Cebuano means I could come under fire as to why we helped her win instead of FPJ. Go figure!

Sunday, May 04, 2008

The Pioneers - The True Elite of the Nation

I used to remember my parents taking me to social gatherings when I was a child. In these gatherings were the biggest names of Cebu or even the Philippines' history.

Gokongwei, Aboitiz, Gothong, Gotianuy, Sy, Osmeña, Aquino, Herrera, King, Kokseng, Gaisano, Garcia, Almendras, Selma, Ayala, Rama and all the other age-old names that we grew to know without a second thought. They are the true elite of this nation.

These are the pioneers of the this nation - the TRUE ELITE. The people with the balls to make a difference in this counry. Literally, they built this country from the ground up. Even as a child I felt the honor of beig with these great people. I wanted to be like them - a thought their little brats probably thought of too. It is only just recently that I realized the true value of their success. It is their humility. While we may regard these people as the cream of the crop they simply do not feel it from where they are. We sometimes envy them for what they are and what they are not but I understand now that at the end of the day they only have themselves and their family.

The definition of the word "elite" may be mucked up in society's norm of someone who shows up in newspapers and tv shows mingling with the rest of the celebrity nobodies that the rest of the literate nation couldn't care less about. Elites do not fall in the same category as socialites - not by a long shot. Society usually sees the elite as the brainless spoiled brats of the pioneers who only bask in the greatness of their parents but actually have no real skill to prove their worth. We may think that traveling to places like Greece, Italy, Palawan or owning a fancy car for drag racing are what constitutes an elite - it doesn't, it never does. The pioneers of this nation didn't get to where they are by sun-bathing in extravagant places like these or whoring their looks for the media to feast upon. They threw in all their time and money in cramped closed rooms running their business with their bare hands if necessary. That's why it won't be so surprising for me to see them ten years older than their supposed age. They got to where they are now because of hardwork and a little bit of resourcefulness. Up to this day I still wonder where or how they found the courage to tread the broken road to nowhere and found something more instead.

Why were my parents invited with them? Well, let's just say these people knew how to thank the people who have helped them in the past - even in such a small way. This was the main attitude that contributed to the success of these people. Why am I not up there with them? It is pobably a curse of my family like the proverbial Moses we always show the promised land but never setting foot on it ourselves.

It is probably best that I am not up there. I learned that every end of the day you are neither rich nor poor. All you have are the people around you who you care about and who care about you. From the eyes of our children we nothing more than people who are supposed to love them.

I salute them all! I only hope that I can contribute to their success one day as my parents did. They got the ball rolling so it is up to use to keep it rolling - faster if necessary.

Monday, April 28, 2008

Gay Fans and Online Chatting

I'm going to go out on a limb here. I believe it is quite obvious to everyone right now that I am NOT a good person. I am NOT friendly and my infamy for being "suplado" (a snob) holds truth to the last shred. I don't blog to make friends. I don't blog to have followers. I blog because the world is a sad, miserable place filled with people (and all the sexes in between) that I wouldn't give a second thought to obliterate off the face of the Earth.

I probably shouldn't ask this stupid and obvious question so it's better that this be a rhetoric one. Why is that when women write their blogs expressing their admiration for love, life and relationship it just gets you right there? (Guys, not that one. Yours are not that big, losers! Move two feet up and don't flatter yourself.) However, once you find out that the author turns out to be another man your jaw starts to drop and you suddenly get this eerie feeling that the author can see you and is carefully pulling down your pants. I shit you not when I tell it would make The Ring look like a love story. More than once I come across blogs that profess love and admiration for a man in a poetic symphony of words - written by a man for another man! I say this again with utmost urgency that IGNORANCE IS BLISS.

Now, don't get me wrong here. I have nothing against gays and I support whatever rights they demand from our society. I am also against discrimination towards them. I do have gay friends that I trust to a certain extent and I do not bring out the gay humor at their expense. Anyway, this experience was freaky to say the least.

An unknown male tried to chat with me - again (this wasn't his first attempt) - on my Yahoo ID praising me for my "work". For some reason he seemed interested in my distaste for my past company. I simply declined the courtesy by saying that I don't entertain gays. "Dude, I'm a guy, don't be such a homophobe", the ID said. But, of coooooourse....

Points here that I know a person on the Net is gay:
1.) A guy showing off his six-pack on his avatar for the whole world to see and coupled with a touched up face and plucked eyebrows hardly convinces anyone. There are rules to this and I'm not telling! Even a male model wouldn't be so "cheaply" vain. Any guy who has been there knows that the only person you attract with this feat are - you said it right - gays! Oh, let's not forget superficial, duplicitous, gold-digging women.
2.) If he was straight as he imagined himself to be he wouldn't be asking so many intrusive questions consistent with a nosy woman or the third sex.
3.) The first thing a fag is going to do once he/she gets suspected is try to gain trust by assuring you of his "manliness" and then do something disgusting to you when you're not looking. I guess I should make this perfectly clear to gay readers that I will stab your eyes out if you look at me funny and I will squeal like a hysterical bitch if you're counting on me being to be embarrassed to tell anyone! You should have left it alone, dude!
4.) They are trained in the art of manipulation. If you think guys are good in duping hard to get women, imagine their sharpened skills at duping men. I imagine that's no easy task!
5.) Lastly, no STRAIGHT guy uses the word "HOMOPHOBE" in a sentence. Perhaps in an upscale part of the world that WOULD be used but definitely not here!

I am no psychologist here but with all these years of chatting online I have become pretty much the Sherlock Holmes of Internet chat. I can profile a person by the words they write, how they write it, how frequently they chat, how fast they chat, social class, attitude towards life and people and, hell, even their academic standing! All of these without ever meeting them. The only thing, of course, I cannot recklessly assume is the appearance of my chatmates because more than once I do come across gorgeous supermodels with the brains of a goldfish. The one thing I prioritized to learn while chatting online was weeding out fags. It's not a safe Cyberworld out there and stories I've heard about people victimized by sick Internet partners made my vigilance even more impeccable.

So let this be a message that "No, I am NOT interested!" Stop trying convince me that you are better than a pair of legs with a FUNCTIONAL hole in the middle!

Notice how I use fag and gay interchangeably. I refer to immoral homosexuals as "fags" and the rest of the crowd as "gays".

Saturday, April 26, 2008

I am not one of us

Okay, for the record I want it to be known that I, myself, am a big hypocrite. I talk about all these crap about love for country and patriotism but what the hell am I REEAAALY talking about?

Well, I'm talking about the fact that I was born and raised in an "international" school that looked down on speaking our dialect as if it were the forbidden and heathen language of the devil himself. I know this for a fact considering that most schools here are perversely (and I mean that in a good way) religious.

By the sixth grade I could comprehend lame American politics humor more than someone throwing a complicated joke in Tagalog. It wasn't until high school that I learned to expand my vocabulary in the local dialect. I agree with my classmates who, in their crowd, thinks that not being able to speak the dialect is a geeky and lame excuse. Although I consider it a good thing that I am unable to speak Tagalog since 2/3 of the entire country speaks my dialect. However, I find it disturbing that I cannot speak my own dialect fluently.

Hell, I can speak English with much less grammatical errors and typos than it takes me to write or even speak in my own dialect or national language. I failed Pilipino twice in elementary and once in college. Talk about your utter interest in the local tongue.

I find these things somewhat embarassing because I talk about my utter distaste about the colonial mentality when, in fact, I am a standing example of that culture!

Even to this day I still listen to western music. Whenever I hear local rock or R&B sung in one of the native tongues I'd always interpret it as some sort of mockery in the art of music. As for the local movie scene? If I didn't move in to a condo with a bunch of strangers I wouldn't have watched a local channel for yet another year. The last actor I could remember fondly in my early days was Gabby Concepcion. That last band that I could remember was Side A.

Sheesh, I find myself very disappointed.

Maybe... we don't deserve to be here

Sure, there are sides to both stories. Some refute the other and BOTH have sound and sensible explanations but you have to think about the obvious human impulse: that it's easy to follow and believe the path that is easier and more convenient to follow. Why would we want to listen to stories about how we are destroying the planet?

I won't lie to anyone here. I like fast food. Microwave food is delicious too! I just love to spare myself the hassle of having to wash anything when I can just throw shit away. I love big sports cars. There's nothing like driving a V10 down a well-paved highway.

Well, these days I enjoy cooking my own food. I minimize my electricity consumption. The irony of being being a middle class earner is that you can't afford a V10 sports car. The good thing about this is that I can only dream up an environmentally friendly sports car where the only thing I can hurt are petrol-heads who like to spend daddy's money on souping up a 10-year old Honda Civic.

I look at videos that tackle issues on global warming and I really see a big picture on how we have hurt our world. People are reckless and greedy. They just don't realize that if we pack things up for ourselves how can we enjoy it if the world isn't here? It just doesn't make sense.

When I look at how the human race likes to abuse its existence on his planet I can't help but wonder if we even, by a remote chance, still deserve to be here. The world has a violent means of punishing its tormentors. If we all drown, burn or freeze to death by our own doing I would really say that we deserve it. The world has every right to punish us.

The bad thing about all this is that all the documentaries in the world will never be enough to make it stop. FYIs won't stop people who have the conscious will to look the other way. It has to be proactive. It has to be imposed and instilled in our society and it has to be followed through. But it will probably be a long time to make it all happen. People NEED to be told what to do in order to get something done.

The only way to change is for people to wisen up or I can wait 'til the human race dies off.

Earth is the lunatic asylum of the universe. Everyone is plainly insane!

Thursday, April 03, 2008


There is no denying the one shining trait of the human race. It's when we have sinister ulterior motives that intends to unfairly reward ourselves.

Why is it when we involve ourselves in violence and end up getting killed the killers hide and enjoy their victory? On the other hand, if we were guilty, some sorry ass old woman would be crying and growning uncontrollably over her loss.

"Her son would never hurt a living thing."
"He was a good husband."
"She was a good person."

Oh, come on! You don't spend every second of the day with your husbands, wives and children. What happens when you are not together? What happens behind closed doors? Spare us your sob story! Your loved one lost the fight. Deal with it!

The reason why I'm bringing this up is because all of these have been inspired by yet another Internet phenomenon that is circulating the blogosphere (damn, I hate that word). The mention of this particular blog, I have to agree, is forbidden. I'd imagine it's probably to protect its propagation on the Internet by misguided, self-proclaimed and deluded patriots.

Scams are, in my basic chain of thought, a fight for who outsmarts who. The one thing I take total amusement in are the vicitims who have been ripped off their hard-earned cash by elements totally unknown and random. Oh, I'll bet they KNEW exactly what was going on! They THOUGHT they were going to get rich or grab some quick cash from the scammer but in the end it was they who were victimized. Let's face it, the victim is EVERY BIT as guilty as the duplicitious bastard who made a run for their money. So don't mourn for the man who was ripped off by their gay lover or the Pinay who woke up in a motel with no cash because her Fil-am date jumped ship. Their motives were as sinister as the one who ran away. They wanted a piece of the cash. They wanted a piece of whatever the scammer had.

Remember this: A criminal is just like everyone else, except he got caught.

Thursday, March 27, 2008

The End of the World - My Prophecy

It has always been prophesized by delusional religious nuts that the end of the world will come at the arrival of some influential individual against the teachings of ignorant people who don't know the difference between a burning bush and, er, a BURNING BUSH!

As much as I really despise the selfish totalitarian nature of religion I agree with its prediction of the end of the world. However, my ending is much more dark and depressing for those who can't stomach it.

It was always believed that our timely demise would be brought on by an onset of a war. In fact, for me it is just the opposite. There will be no wars, there will be no famine or disease to wipe out our race. Our existence is too vast and too far to be killed off.

The end of the world will not come as the death of our planet by artificial or natural means. In fact, it is moot that anyone of us today will ever see it.

The way the end of the world happens has nothing to do with the destruction of physical things. It is not the end of the world but the end of OUR world.

We are systematically destroying ourselves. You think that watching people torn to pieces by suicide bombers is a means for us to feel sorry for the world? No! It is the world's means of numbing society from the atrocities of the grotesque nature of humans. You see people die everyday and eventually we start to think that's how the world goes. Acceptance and passivity is the catalyst of our demise.

The end of the world does not end with the destruction of matter but the destruction of the mind and the soul. Everyday a human being succumbs to HIS own end of the world. Our soul, our conscience and our minds are totally absorbed on what the collective society defines.

It's when we don't care; it's when we stop holding on to values and play God; and, of course, it's when we stop believing in the paranormal and divine bullshit fabricated by our ancestors. Time will come when you will not feel sorry for anything at all. Then again, with or without them these have always been the traits of humans. To put it bluntly, the end of the world as these prophecies have foretold are nothing more than man's dismissal of past beliefs and the birthing of new ones - new ones that will again foretell of the demise of their existence if we don't follow them. It is the loss of our humanity and the acceptance of that loss that we cease to be.

This is how the world ends. Has your world ended yet?

Friday, March 21, 2008


Nothing beats the life of a criminal. Sure, being on the opposide side of the law has your future in infamy but the freedom of doing and getting what you want, when you want it, with people grobling at your feet is pretty much what anyone with exceedingly high ambitions would take.

An upcoming action movie Wanted with Morgan Freeman's voiceover in the life of an assassin had rekindled my fantasies of being society's informal executioner. God's little population controller. Killing someone is just as similar as dying from famine or disease. It's God's way of keeping the human race in check.

I often fantasized about being the judge of who lives and who dies in this world. I try not to think about who wants who shot. The higher power wills his demise for the violent trip back home. The movie was right, why choose to be the sheep in society when you can be the wolf who decides society's fate? Why live a pathetic life of rank and file getting paid by people who wouldn't even hesitate with a conscience to kill your source of survival in today's world? Why be morally and socially murdered by people who are no different and, more often than not, inferior from us? We live as slaves what we define are 'agreed' rules. What if we don't agree?

I come to think of it, why WOULDN'T I go for a life like that? I have no family to speak of, a shaky future as an IT professional (ala Mr. Anderson a.k.a. Neo) and I have all the raw hatred, bitterness and disrespect for the norm of society. Literally speaking, I have no conscience to speak of. I would steal when given the chance, I would cheat if I knew how and I would definitely kill someone for money. The government clouds my mind, my past relationships disintegrated my heart and one my so-called professional life erased whatever ethics I have for it. I wouldn't even bother doing the math. It all goes down to zero. I MIGHT feel sorry for my would be victims but that would be long after my sins are committed and by then it would be pointless to feel guilty. I move on. Justice belongs to the highest bidder.

Why suffer in this world when you can be on top by making everyone else miserable? I know your friends, family and colleagues would do it to you!

What if I get caught? Then I deserve to be shot and killed. I deserve to be in jail to be someone's bitch because I have failed. What the hell, right? We are our boss' bitch every damn day. We live in misery whether we are inside or outside jail cells. If I get killed being stupid then so be it. At least when I was alive I lived like a king. You live an honest life and you fail again and again with the same results. Sure you learn a few things every now and again to tell your grandkids who would forget your stories after dinner. But a criminal? Your stories live on in your victims and to the rest of the people who hate you.

I can never be on top by living a decent honest life. Honesty is what gets me in trouble. Nobility is what gets me in the front line of fire. Bravery is what will get me killed. The thieves, the muggers, the wolves in ties are the real kings of this world - the people who sneak behind you with malicious intent. They live above and beyond the law and society doesn't like the thought the someone is stronger than them. If you're worried about your victims' family, friends and relatives who may not remember you fondly (unless one of them were your customer), guess what? Your boss or some other asshole up top most likely has dozens or hundreds of ex-employees who may not think highly of him. Fired? laid off? Or just plainly hates his guts? Trust me, he could not care less. So why should you? Because you're a human being? Human beings are evil. Deal with it!

You might be thinking I may be someone who's seen too many action movies. Trust me when I say that I didn't get this idea watching movies. I got this by watching the world. I KNOW that the life of these people may or may not live a life of glitz ang glamour. They look nothing like Agent 47 who wears an Armani suit and a $300 neck tie or own a Ducati bike as a getaway vehicle. They wear slippers with holes. They wear torn shorts. They wear old jerseys. They own a second hand beat up motorcycle. Most of all, they look nothing like Josh Hartnett whom you would probably be willing to give your life and virginity. They are mostly dark, short and battle-scarred individuals. But when they speak with their lead-loaded nines the whole world WILL listen. The world will tremble and the law falters.

For my friends and colleagues who have known me for some time you may think this is some media-inspired melodrama. You think my childish demeanor and innocent face says I don't have the guts. I shit you not. If someone asked me to shoot you in the head for twenty grand I will do it without hestitation! And I don't have to hate you when I do it. It will most likely be NOT personal.

Take one life, save a thousand - and earn a few thousand dollars in the process. That pretty much sounds like a very worthwhile investment.

Be afraid. Be very afraid!

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