Monday, July 07, 2008

Life in America? A translation from the famous essay.

Okay, I haven’t written something mildly amusing reflective of my dark and bitter sense of humor that is in total disregard for human emotions for some time. I always waited for nice topics and opportunities as Triumph the Insult Dog would say, “to poop on”.

I was forwarded this email about the delusional life of the American Dream. The amusing points in this message sort of brought balance to the nosebleed I was having trying to decipher Tagalog – not one of my favorite dialects! I honestly can’t say I’m surprised with this one.

I was inspired to mimic this post while searching for other occurrences of this email on the Net. Yes, I know, “plagiarism is a clear sign of inferiority”.

So for the benefit of the non-Tagalog speaking readers out there I will try to translate this message to the LEAST of my abilities - exaggerated and blown out of proportion for mass hysteria.

Hay, Buhay America!
Lahat ng sinabi niya nakakatuwa at totoo.

Akala ng mga tao na nasa Pilipinas kapag nasa America ka akala nila ayos na at madami ka ng pera. Ang totoo, madami kang utang, dahil credit card lahat ang gamit mo sa pagbili mo ng mga gamit mo. Kailangan mo gumamit ng credit card para magka-credit history ka, kase pag hindi ka umutang o wala kang utang, hindi ka pagkakatiwalaan ng mga Kano. Pag wala kang credit card, ibig sabihin wala kang kapasidad magbayad.

People from the Philippines think that if you are in America they think that you are filthy rich. Nah, we're just filthy. In reality, the “white boys” are broke! Deal with it! You have to borrow money to be trusted with money. Hell, I don’t trust people with anything higher than 100 pesos would you trust ANYONE at all in the States who have a good credit rating with $1,000?! Hell, you need that money too! Why would want to lend anyone YOUR money or vice versa? To them, it’s a good thing to be in debt. It is my understanding that the majority the American populace want you to be just as broke as they are.

Akala nila mayaman ka na kase may kotse ka na. Ang totoo, kapag hindi ka bumili ng kotse sa America maglalakad ka ng milya-milya sa ilalim ng init ng araw o kaya sa snow. Walang jeepney, tricycle o padyak sa America.

They think that your wealth can afford you a car. They buy a Lexus, Mercedes or BMW. In reality, certain Filipinos who end up in the States also end up with swollen egos. To show off their financial success they culminate their financial stability by buying the car that looks best when you take pictures of you in it. The rest of the five years of their miserable life is dedicated to paying off the $25,000 car they showed off. Of course, you don’t take pictures of it after 2 years because it’s going to start looking like shit. Now in the States I can clearly understand that you simply cannot walk miles and miles in the freezing snow or the blistering heat of El Niño without suffering from exposure. However, residential areas are not accessible by the usual mass transit that we have grown accustomed to here in the Philippines. There are no jeepneys or tricycles overloaded beyond capacity that can take you to every nook and cranny in the US. Forget taxis as they are expensive. That’s why it isn’t a surprise to hear about people getting “lost” for years in the US. If you're single, no car means no chicks and, thus, no fucking for you. Oh, wait, that's the same here in the Philippines too! :O

Akala nila masarap ang buhay dito sa America . Ang totoo, puro ka trabaho kase pag di ka nagtrabaho, wala kang pangbayad ng bills mo sa kotse, credit card, ilaw, tubig, insurance, bahay at iba pa. Hindi ka na pwedeng tumambay sa kapitbahay kase busy din sila maghanap buhay pangbayad ng bills nila. Kapag hindi ka nakabayad ng bahay o apartment magiging homeless ka. Buti pa sa Pilipinas ang mga squatter ay may sariling bahay kahit na sapin-sapin o takpi-takpi.

They think that life here in America is great. To take the quote of Bill Gates’ Rule #10: “Television is not real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.” So you can kiss your Starbucks-moments-pretending-to-be-someone-important goodbye! You still have bills to pay and you can’t pay them by drinking a Frap. Honestly, I can’t exaggerate more on the homeless part. Informal tenants are still the same no matter what country you’re in.

Akala nila masaya ka kase nagpadala ka ng picture mo sa Disneyland , Seaworld, Six Flags, Universal Studios at iba pang attractions. Ang totoo, kailangan mong ngumiti kase nagbayad ka ng $70+ para makarating ka dun, kailangan mo na naman ang 10 hours na sweldo mong pinangbayad sa ticket.

They think you’re happy because you’re showing off pictures of Disneyland, Seaworld, Six Flags and god knows where. Of course, you have to smile for the camera and actually pretend you’re happy blowing off your entire year’s savings on a fucking vacation after which you’re going to spend the next year without food, electricity or water. On rare cases, it is a company paid vacation so you might have every reason to smile. Truth about this is that the company found out that you're working beyond capacity and, to ward off lawsuits, they HAVE TO let you loose temporarily. But for the rest of us who weren’t so fortunate enough to work for a company who pretends to actually have money to pay for their vacation this is consolation enough. Try not to be carried away about working for an “American” company. Most of them are broke. Hence, the need for outsourcing.

Lastly, if you are the usual squealing spoiled brat of a Filipino actor or businessman who got rich by robbing Filipinos in their hometown then you have the luxury to show off your cheap two-piece bikini (cheap by American standards) wasting daddy's money driving daddy's car and try to actually pretend to be one of the white boys.

Akala nila malaki na ang kinikita mo kase dolyar na sweldo mo. Ang totoo, malaki pagpinalit mo ng peso, pero dolyar din ang gastos mo sa America . Ibig sabihin ang dolyar mong kinita sa presyong dolyar mo din gagastusin. Ang P15.00 na sardinas sa Pilipinas ay $1.00 sa America , ang isang pakete ng sigarilyo sa Pilipinas P40.00, sa America $ 6.50, ang upa mo sa bahay na P10,000 sa Pilipinas, sa America $1,000++.

Akala nila buhay milyonaryo ka na kase ang ganda ng bahay at kotse mo. Ang totoo milyon ang utang mo. Ang bago mong kotse 5 taon mong huhulugan. Ang bahay 30 taon mong huhulugan. Ibig sabihin, kayod dito - kayod doon, alipin ka ng bahay at kotse mo. Hay, talagang mahirap ang buhay dito!

They think you’ve got a big paycheck because you’re earning in dollars. The truth is most people don’t understand the concepts of inflation or economics. The costs of items are directly proportionate to the currency. A pack of cigarettes, food, pussy or weed costs more in the US due to the higher value of the dollar. A house or a car here will take you just as long to pay here and in the US. So if I were to pop a tablet of ecstasy or hire a hooker I’ll take my chances here. Hell, Americans come for miles just for a taste of our women so I don't see why there is something they knew that we didn't. So let me get this through the thick skulls of deluded aspirants that there will NEVER be a case where you will be earning in dollars and spending in pesos! Deal with it!

If you haven't heard, the consolidated consumer credit card debt of the US of fucking A is already in the trillion mark. Congratualtations, you now have a contribution to it! You are a poor man with a house and a car that you can barely pay.

Madaming naghahangad na makarating sa America . Lalo na ang mga nurses, mahirap maging normal na manggagawa sa Pilipinas. Madalas pagod ka sa trabaho. Pag dating ng sweldo mo, kulang pa sa pagkain mo. Pero ganun din sa ibang bansa katulad dito sa America . Hindi ibig sabihin porke dolyar na ang sweldo mo, yayaman ka na, kailangan mong magbanat ng buto para mabuhay ka at manatili ka dito sa ibang bansa.

Many think of the American Dream especially occupations that claim to be “in demand” in the US. The Americans have already been disillusioned by the American Dream. Everyone who has ever been there knows that this is bullshit. The American Dream was a marketing ploy back in the days where America wasn’t America. These days they call it by different names: The Canadian Dream, The New Zealand Dream, The Australian Dream or The Singaporean Dream. The demand for people dictates where you will be going in the future. You are NOT in control!

Isang malaking sakripisyo ang pag-alis mo sa bansang pinagsilangan at malungkot iwanan ang mga mahal mo sa buhay. Hindi pinupulot ang pera dito o pinipitas. Hindi ako naninira ng pangarap, gusto ko lang imulat ang karamdaman at buksan ang bintana ng katotohanan sa ating mga mahal sa buhay, kaibigan at mga kababayan.

It is indeed a huge sacrifice for you to leave your homeland and your freeloading relatives behind. It is a huge sacrifice to no longer be able to disrupt the peace with your beer and videoke sessions. It is a huge sacrifice to be away from your drugs, women and sex that you enjoy in this country while getting away with it. It is not easy accepting the fact that you cannot buy pirated DVDs in your nearby Walmart because you actually have to pay $15 for the original. You can and you will got to jail for buying porn with your son! Money doesn’t grow on trees and the dollars in America are no different. I don’t want to destroy your deluded ambitions of the American Nightmare but the sad sorry truth is that all these points pretty much state the obvious. Stop the Colonial Mentality from propagating. America is broke! Stop adding to their problem! The Philippines is the real land of the free! There are no shortcuts in life!

Mabuhay ang Pilipinas!

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