Monday, August 25, 2008

What goes in and out of my mind

Some people's brains are wired specifically to comprehend certain things: like the ability to understand integral calculus while another can comprehend biology.

Here's a simple list of what my mind can and cannot do:
1) I can remember most quotes and who said it - presuming if I knew the author. So I do my best to know who they are.
2) I can remember most experiences with most of my friends. Mostly, I remember them because they are experiences with hot chicks or they are awkwardly and humiliatingly amusing. ;) However, I can go as detailed as remembering what we said in our conversation.
3) I can't remember people's names for longer than 5 minutes. I have the worst case of short-term memory loss when it comes to names. This becomes a problem when I read novels. This can be very helpful when someone wants me to forget something.
4) I do, however, remember sequences of numbers (like phone numbers and numeric patterns) but I also suffer from the obsessive compulsive urge to verify three times if it's correct anyway.
5) I cannot understand Tagalog grammar despite the fact that I'd probably have better luck understanding Japanese or French or some native Filipino dialect.
6) I can remember places, locations, directions but like hell I can't remember street names.
7) I can understand complicated plots in movies even if I can barely remember the character's names.
8) I can recognize western actors but I can't remember any local actors.
9) Professionally, I can understand PHP or C and all programming concepts but for the life of me Java is like a nightmare to understand despite the fact that all three are virtually syntactically similar. It took me years to understand Java BASIC programming. How pathetic can a programmer get?
10) I cannot comprehend abstract ideas unless it is described to me in an illustrative manner. If I cannot visualize an idea I cannot understand it. i.e. Idea A is this and that but not this. Therefore, this is true if and only if situation A contradicts situation B. (would not be comprehensible to me) But if you continue your idea with an example like "For example, Idea A would be a rock on a hillside and pushing it at Y fps could accelerate it to X because of its mass (M) would be pulled by gravity by a factor of 9.8m/s. bla bla bla". Suffice it to say some lessons have to be lived to be understood.
11) My mind is also wired in a way where I have common ideas but for some reason I cannot name them (perhaps because I can't remember names). This gives me great frustration in delivering my ideas to people who may already or should have understood what I'm talking about but due to my limited ability to simplify it, I cannot make them understand. Case in point: Organizing data in a database so no info gets repeated or is repeated to a minimal level is called NORMALIZATION or when two terms contradict each other is called an OXYMORON. However, I cannot remember the term normalization or oxymoron although I know what they are.
12) Being left-handed, it takes a moment for me to digest when someone tells me to make a right turn because I'm always thinking left.
13) I am completely capable of blanking out my emotions on a dime. I don't freak out easily at the sight of violence, gore and mass panic. So while the whole world is going to chaos I figure out first what the fuss is all about before deciding act like a fool. I have been exposed by too many stupid things that humans are capable of doing that virtually nothing seems to surprise me anymore.
14) I'm a hopeless romantic. Don't ask.
15) Lastly, I am good at starting over with everything I have lost in the past.

Choice, an illusion?

Ok, maybe I watch too many movies or I am probably the common uto-uto of society. Oh, well, there probably came a time in Einstein's life where he was probably considered an idiot.

I have posted a long time ago about a dream I had about having six choices and more recently the myth of monogamy. After watching the Matrix Reloaded again I cannot help noticing the dialogue of the Merovingian and the Architect.

Friday, August 22, 2008

Bad Marriage Survival List

Let's face it. Marriage is risky. THere's always some gold diggin, superficial and duplicitous bitch out there lusting for what you got.

Bad Marriage Survival List:
1) Store my money in a trust fund NOT under my name. If the money isn't mine it isn't conjugal property.
2) Register my properties under the name of a trusted relative. I know this is a big risk but it's nothing compared to the risk of some bitch running off with all your shit under the protection of conjugal property.
3) Emotional preparation. I know, I know... There is no easier way for this but I have always been good at emotionally preparing for mentally draining challenges so I guess this life should be no different. This bitch will be messing with my head. No doubt about it! She'll be rallying friends to her side and she will be using our children as bait for getting her way with me. I would like to make this clear today and apologize to my future children that I didn't mean to abandon you guys but if your mom had her way, we'd all be dead. Wait till you're at legal age then you can decide if you want to be with me or not. Otherwise, you're stuck with her and there's nothing I can do about it unless you can prove that she is more of a drunkard and an addict than I am.
4) Am I insured? God, if I were worth 4 million it wouldn't surprise me if my child's toy car would be on the stairs no matter how much I try to set it aside or the fact that my car seems to break down more often.

My basic rule in money lending

I really don't care if your relative rolls over and drops dead. As a rule, I do not lend money for relatives of friends!

I don't mean to sound heartless but I know when to draw the line about certain things and this is one of them.

It always works like this:
1) Relative asks you to find money to borrow - probably by feigning illness.
2) You borrow money from me.
3) I give you money.
4) Relative forgets to pay you back
5) You can't pay me back or you end up paying on his behalf.
6) You or I end up being broke.
7) Relative completely forgets about debt.
8) I will end up sending people to kill him and his family, which consequently leaves me more broke but satisfied. This is also presuming if someone else hasn't killed him first. :-/

It would have been safer if you asked for a donation. At least I wouldn't be too frustrated about expecting something back. That's the reason why they borrow money in the first place - because they can't pay something and obviously they can't pay you back! The circle of debt continues. If you don't believe me try feigning your own illness, I'll bet you they won't bend to one side in monetary department except some words like "our prayers are with you". Prayers don't pay bills so don't give me any of that religious bullshit!

If people get hurt so can you. So if you decide to give financial support to a relative, simbako tomorrow you could be in an accident. Where will your money be by then? With someone else and you're going to die because you have no money to pay the hospital.

It's a messy cycle, believe me.

Friday, August 08, 2008

The Hitman's Choice

Inspired by future events (an unfinished story)

It was just a few moments ago they were running for their lives from people wanting to kill her employer.

There he was mindless wandering his gaze at her. She was still as elegant as the day he met her many years ago. Her long, permed black hair and brown eyes only served as a charming torment to him. What he wouldn't give to have her again; to feel her close to him once again was a fantasy he would so willingly welcome. But that was him then in another life where the life of one mattered. This life, sadly, no longer required pity - or love.

The job must come first. It must, because he knows she wouldn't hesitate to put him in second place and this was the real reason she left him a long time ago. A woman wouldn't hesitate to leave a man behind for other things while it is the man who only pretends to have the guts to leave. His life depended on her death.

“Why did I ever let you go?” She spoke in the midst of his thoughts.

He didn't know what to say except to tell her the truth. He knew all too well why she left him but he didn't want her to remember. It would just be a game they'd be playing all over again.

"You know I've always prayed for the day that one day we'd get back together." He answered. "I never found anyone else after you."

In truth, he chose the life he has now shortly after he lost her. It was a life that didn't require emotions. It helped drown all the sorrows; the bitterness; and, the desperation.

"But that just isn't me anymore."

Although puzzled by his response she held him close and kissed him deeply. This was the kiss he knew all too well but the feeling was long forgotten. Even though a hint of emotion came, the job must be done like it always did.

She didn't notice his suppressed 9mm Beretta slowly creeping up her chest. It made a weak puff as the hammer made the only audible sound in the large hall of her home.

She gasped in shock as the bullet lodged in her heart. She could now feel every flow of her blood coming out of her for every beat she knew her life was one drop closer to the end. Death's arms was always open to everyone. He didn't judge the sinner or the saint.

"Why?" was the only expression her face can muster but his face showed no emotion as she falls to her knees and her body falls limp on its right side to the cold marble floor - her hands still desperately grabbing on to him. She was still alive but barely.

With her dying breath she stared up at him - a single tear begins to shine from her right eye. "I just want you to know that I always loved you. I never stopped loving you. Please forgive me." But he didn't care. He wouldn't believe her anyway. All that love-turned-hatred clouded all sympathy he had for everything. To him the world was a bitter place where people deserved to die on the other end of his barrel. There IS a price for human life.


He casually walked to his waiting Audi A4. The matte black finish prevented any glimmer or glare from the full moon and passing traffic. He gave the area one quick scan to see if nobody was looking and drove off into the darkness - the neighborhood oblivious of the incident - not even a dog can be heard barking. As usual, he was as smooth in his task as before.

The rain started drizzling on his ride back to the city. She had chosen a beautiful spot in the mountains for her home and a very convenient location for him to carry out death's deed. Was he death himself? He wasn't religious enough to make the connection.

As the lights of the city slowly became visible his thoughts again drifted to her, something he never does to the souls he sent elsewhere, he reminded himself he had long forgotten her. Yes, it was a long time, wasn't it? So many faceless victims, nameless casualties and so many unjudged lives but the thoughts of her still linger in him througout his trip.

He was tired and surprisingly despondent. He felt something warm trickle down his cheek and it began to immediately feel cold as the cold air within. For the first time in a long time he wept for his fallen victim.

"I love you too. Forgive me." He whispered. No one could hear him now.

Tuesday, August 05, 2008

The Myth of Monogamy

To borrow from the title of David P. Barash's book I have chanced upon while watching Penn & Teller’s: Bullshit!, it has come upon my twisted way of thinking that there may be a point to this book. Earlier in life I couldn’t imagine the thought of an infidel partner or even myself committing this “sinful” act. Then I realized, after forsaking all forms of religion, that I began asking the sincerity of my personal beliefs. At the time of this writing I have not yet found or even read an excerpt from this book but the show gave me a pretty good idea of its point: That we, as a human race, are polygamous in nature - even my dad claims this and he didn't read the book! Let us forget about all that religious bullshit about us being “human beings” and that we are “capable of reason” because it is just another form of denial about our association with the animal kingdom.

I really can’t say this is surprising since it has been, in man’s history, a form of arrogance that if we are financially or mentally superior than everyone and everything else we tend to separate ourselves from the “inferior”. Animals aside, we even boldy go as far as separating ourselves from the rich and the poor or the intellectuals from the artists. A human being is a human being just as an animal is an animal and we are still animals. I hate to break it to the priests, pastors or monks out there but monogamy is a "human-defined" practice and not a natural act.

Are we driven by reason or instinct? In every crime and every heroic act we have ever done, can we honestly say it was our sense of reason that guided our way? In love and in anger can we, by even a hint of hypocrisy, say that it was our mind dictating our actions? I have yet to receive a quote where our sense of stupidity for our emotions was not the reason for our very downfall. I wouldn’t say such things! I have realized this not long ago. Sure, we can be reasonable, but that is before or after the act is done. Those are the only two chances we have to act “reasonably”. Are we in control? Only on these two occasions.

This brings me to the title in this blog: The Myth of Monogamy.

I have realized this year that I cannot be a judge of even my own actions. I have, on occasion, “simulated” various scenarios in my life. Like what would I have done if I didn’t have any money and I would be out on the streets? What if someone threatened my life? What if someone threatened my family? The answer was simple and clear – even without reason: I would lie, cheat, steal and kill to survive. Would I feel guilty about it? Maybe later but in the moment all reason would have been out the door.

On some occasion in my past relationships I have questioned my own loyalty and I have even shunned friends who even entertained the thought of infidelity. But who am I to say that I am “loyal” if it is some other carnal instinct that dictates my actions? Yes, I have felt these urges. I have suppressed them in the past but as I become more resilient in some aspects of my thoughts and emotions there are those that I have begun to welcome. I too have experienced a sense of things lacking in a relationship and I’d imagine that there are things I have failed on my behalf. Yes, I can be selfish too!

I’m not telling anyone to shun or despise these “immoral” acts because I have already stated a long time ago that immorality is a paradigm and not an objective fact. I’m pointing out to everyone that this is the way it is no matter how much we try to quantify the contrary. We are animals with the basic instinct to copulate. This has been a proven and objective observation (Google is your friend so don’t ask me to be). Do not deny the inevitable

If this is inevitable what can we do then? For my part, all I can do is accept it. This is the reality of it all. The sooner we all accept this the better this aspect of your life will be. You will cheat and you will be cheated. I have put that in my personal paradigm and this has changed the way I look at relationships and everyone else. I do not despise or judge anyone with infidelity in their thoughts. Instead I sympathize. It also does not make me look at relationships any less. In fact, I have factored this in as a calculated risk. I just hope my partner has a drop of her humanity left to play it safe when she, by some act of intoxication or plain stupidity, let her instinct do the thinking.

No matter how honest or loyal we claim to be, there will be that perfect condition that will trigger a change in our actions and all the humanity that we so arrogantly claim to have will cease to exist.

“There is no reason. There is only cause and effect.” – Merovingian, The Matrix Reloaded

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