Tuesday, September 02, 2008

Too late or the right time for commitment? (or just keep waiting)

I saw her again. After all these years I have searched but she found me instead. So much has happened in the times we have not met. Time has a way of entwining our fates. Who am I talking about? You may think that I am talking about the one who got away but I'm talking about someone totally different. This was someone far way back in the past - more than a decade ago. I've only known her for a short time and yet her beauty and her charm has never escaped me. She was unforgettable. So unforgettable that she was one of those women in my life that even long before she has left my life I would see her everywhere.

I just realized that there had been a lot of girls in the past that I could've loved. I was such a torpe (insensitive) guy back then. These women were far more deserving of me than all those mistaken relationships I've been through. Here was Chad always settling for second best because I always thought that I wasn't good enough for the best. Sigh... Yet here I am regretting those hearts I could have wooed that wouldn't give a second thought of me being the Mr. Right for them.

While fate has a way of punishing the guilty it also has a very subtle way of protecting the innocent. As a consolation, I always told myself that if I were to look back at me then, immature, childish and selfish (actually I still am but in a very amusing way), these girls would be no different than those I loved before. Perhaps it was just a stroke of blessing that I shouldn't be loving them at a time when I wasn't responsible enough to love the right people. Maybe I loved the wrong women so I would spare the good ones the worst in me.

They say that a person who truly loves you has seen the worst and the best in you and still look and love you anyway. I would like to add to this the belief that not only will the right woman love me but will also be a good person to herself and to others (although not inherently) that she only brings out the best in me and forget about the worst. Mom always said that it's the woman who brings the family and the man together. Find the wrong one and your life and your future goes spiraling down the road of despair.

Let's face it, oil prices are rising. I have projected my ridiculous salary from today and into perpetuity. In no way can my savings or earnings afford me a family of my own. Am I making some sort of mistake in my calculations or are men just genetically incapable of budgeting for marriage? I mean, I factor in a house, utility bills, a baby and all expenses that come with bringing it up as well as taking care of a wife not to mention the occasional vacation getaways. I just can't add it up to something I can spend quite reasonably even if I'm earning one hundred thousand a month! Has the modern economy made it impossible or even too late for me to catch the commitment wagon? I don't want to follow in the footsteps of those who think marriage is something we should hurriedly rush into and within a few years they start killing each other. Even if they DO survive each other they still have to survive the world and all the storms that reality rains down on them. This again reminds me of the urgency to find the one person I can trust because these days you just can't trust anyone with yourself. I'd like to remind myself that mistakes are costly and when it comes to marriage it's a long term cost of yourself.

There are a lot of "those who got away" in my life but life is too short to live with certain regrets.

3 comments:

jash_ville said...

finally?
:)

CH4:D said...

sadly, no. :(

cassy said...

too late maybe.. :(

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