Monday, October 20, 2008

Slow Dance

The rain made a steady downpour outside. The idyllic moment of their romantic dinner by the mountains was made cozy by this humdrum weather....

He looked into her eyes and could not help but see a thousand moments in just a single stare... But they had only seen each other these few days. It really wasn't that much and it sure as hell wasn't enough.

There she was - that woman he saw only a few times more than a decade ago. Changed. Different. The same? It's all of those at the same time. But he knew no less. It was her. All these years he spent wondering - pondering - about that girl with the mysterious stare. Why wonder about a passing face? Was it just coincidence that led him to hold a piece of his memory for her?

A long held memory. A chance rendezvous. He didn't believe in coincidences and yet here he is. The odds are stacked up against him. This was no accident that their paths crossed again.

A familiar tune is played by the jazz pianist...

He never did this before but it was now or never. he gazed in her eyes and shakily said: "Will you dance with me?"...

"What?! The floor is empty. Everyone will be staring at us." she replied.

"So?" he said, smiling and winking at her. She gave out a sigh - a slight sense of interest but hesitation in her voice. He stood up and held her hand. It was tense and a grip of reluctance in it. Then they slowly moved towards the dance floor.

They stood in the middle of the dance floor. The overhead lights slowly dancing a slow parade of shades around them.

He held her waist. His hands a little sweaty and shaking. She was scared but so was he. "Don't look around." he whispered.

She closed her eyes and held her arms around his neck. As if in a teasing and deliberate fashion, the lights were now on them and the whole world just disappeared. There was only the shadowy glow of her hair and shoulders in front of him and different hues of colors overhead.

It was just them and the music....

This was going to be the last time they were going to be together in a long time.

The music was just teasing his emotions...

"Saying goodbye
Is never an easy thing
But you never said
That you'd stay forever"

Damn, he was miserable and happy at the same time but he didn't care...

"So if you must go
Darling I'll set you free
But I know in time
That we'll be together"

Shit! He wanted to fight the thought from his head...

"I wont try to stop you now from leaving Cuz in my heart I know..."

"Love will lead you back
Someday I just know that
Love will lead you back to my arms
Where you belong
Sure as stars are shining
One day you will find me again
It wont be long
One of these days
Our love will lead you back"

He fought back the urge to give in to his emotions right there on the dance floor. The song was depressing but it also gave him hope. How he wished the story of their love would unfold as the song did. Ah, but that was just pushing his luck. He just wanted to enjoy this moment because he never did anything this stupid before. But he had always been a romantic. He was in it for the experience.

So the music went on and the night and the room didn't seem to matter. She was in his arms for as long as he could hold her.

She had to leave soon. It was a path she took for herself and her family. He understood the reason. It would be selfish of him to hold her back. This was a brief moment for their paths to cross. Some paths take a long time to part but some, as is his case, part as soon after they meet. This was how fate decided one's path in reality.

Photo credits by Vivian Chung

Saturday, October 18, 2008

To fall in love with Cebu

What would it take to fall in love? A gentle hold of the hand here. A kiss there. It all starts with some extra-ordinary chemistry between two people.

What is there in a second? A single heartbeat happens in a second. An eternity? It does take that long to make up your mind but it feels longer than that, does it?

After all this time I have come to realize that my heart only belongs to one place. The place of my birth. The home of the most amusing sets of people in this country. It's where I get my occasional bouts of humor from. The place where such humor is simply just tongue-in-cheek.

So from now on when people ask f me if I'm in love, I will always be.... to the place where I was born. The place where it's nothing like the place I am now. There are places to have a good time but it is nothing like home. It's simple but I enjoy myself. Beer and food is cheaper. Fine dining is ridiculously expensive and the servings are unfair. I admit that my new home has grown on me but nothing beats my life here. I have to accept the assholes (including myself) crawling in this city but it is and will always be my home.

I have been to SOME places in this world but my mind only paints one picture in my life.

In my heart... there is no better room for this:

Beautiful, breathtaking, unforgettable. I will always be in love with this.

Friday, October 17, 2008

I'm quitting IT

After nearly 15 years of working on computers I have come to realize that this may not be the type of thing I can see myself doing for the next 20years. My, God, to even think that I can become sterile staring at a monitor for hours. The fact that I can literally go bald solving problems of some asshole white boy who earns 10x my salary and I get jack shit for it!

I'm just simply sick and tired of the corporate life. The cutthroat paradigm of eat or be eaten. It is not in my nature to put people down and advance my career at their expense. No, sir. I maybe be anti-social but I don't harm any human being for that matter. Perhaps this was the reason why I was singled out in my previous job. So therefore I'm no longer stooping to this unethical, ass-kissing and toxic environment.

So as I have been paid a ridiculous sum of money for doing nothing I have taken that idle time to rethink my ridiculous life as well. These are the alternatives I have thought of so far:

Culinary Arts
Remy was a rat and so am I but I have always wanted to do all those neat food tossing tricks in the kitchen. Nothing beats the skill of feeding people and showing off your skill in taste. Of course, that's if I am gifted with the sense of taste for fine dining. Drawback? The courses to take for this dream costs anywhere from 50,000-200,000 pesos - and that's just the introductory course. I shudder to think of the advanced courses!

Flight School
Suffice it to say I have always wanted to be a pilot. My first dream job was to reach the skies. Freedom. My parents couldn't afford flight school so the inevitable outcome of this dream was to crash and burn. However, there is still a glimmer of hope here. I now can afford this class by my own means. The question is having the time to do it. What I wouldn't give to be anywhere in this world anytime I want to. I won't lie to you - I hate to travel but until they invent a way to teleport people this is my only recourse.

There's still a lot to do in this fragile life we have. I need to see a lot of this world before I move on to the next. I have wasted my past playing safe, regretting the things that never was and wishing for something more. I guess the time has to do something about it.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

My dilemma is a rhetoric conundrum

If I don't let this out they might as well drag me to the next mental asylum.

Silence. I had no idea that it would be an unsettling moment - the teasing presence of your visage still fresh in my head. The traffic outside this cold taxi would be enough to keep me awake all night and yet there was nothing here. Again. Silence. Emptiness. I close my eyes.

This was reality. It was time to get back to it.

I must have said "good bye" a dozen times before letting you go. I must have looked back over and over again. I must have had my arms around you for as long as I can remember. I must have stared at you for hours even though it was only a few seconds before your heavenly image finally disappeared around that corner. I'm almost compelled to just chase you and hold you in my arms but I know that I would never see the end of it. Will I ever see you again? I'm almost too afraid to ask. But then again, I'm also too afraid to know the answer. Here I go again, playing safe. Do fools rush in or does this ridiculous quagmire spell a variant of stupidity? Was it wrong to see you again? Why don't I have any regrets even if it continually hurts me to see you go?

I was despondent that I couldn’t look anyone in the eye. My hair would obscure my eyes enough for me to sweep secretly past the living room. I didn’t take any chances. I didn’t even open the lights in my room even though someone was awake there. Although I mindlessly conversed with my roommate in reality I was fighting with all my might to hold back my despair as I tearfully unpacked and made my bed in the dark. In the darkness, truthfully, I just didn’t want to see myself like this. Although I didn’t want anyone to see me cry, I was lying to myself. I didn’t want to see myself cry. I don't want to be this pathetic. Your phone messages didn’t make it any easier to fight the pain. *sigh* I am a slave only to myself. The tortuous emotions just came flooding in to no end. Each time I pressed a button it was like a battle for control over my emotions and myself. I was losing. I didn't know what to say so I just rambled on about my frustration. Such simple tasks and yet I am nearly powerless to do it. This wound weakens me.

How can you doubt me? I gave you only the best of me - something I was never able to do. How can you deny my feelings even though my very heart that beats unreasonably for you continues to break as I enter every letter here? No matter how much it falls apart, no matter how much it breaks and no matter how much it hurts I know that all of these will never be enough for you to believe in me. It breaks my heart even more! Do you hear me? I LOVE YOU! Can't you see that? How do you want me to say it so you would believe me?!

Even though I don’t know, don't see or don't hear every pain you have gone through that compels you to push me away I can feel them every time I'm close to you. Pain is pain and so I don't have to experience yours to understand it. You still continue to haunt me. A bittersweet addiction to a countless maelstrom of emotions.

But this suffering not real to you, is it? My eyes are swollen and sore. My head is pounding with every heartbeat. I’m starving. But none of these are relevant because all of this - all this pain - isn’t real, right? I must be some dumbfuck who didn't get the punchline of a joke. My mind cannot manifest these feelings because I am in a level of dismay far greater than physical weaknesses. And my heart? Ah, my heart… The very organ that beats loudly in the night breathing in your very existence feels like it’s gone even though it now peacefully beats in an unnoticeable pace. I close my eyes and an hour passes. The pain is still there compounded by a feeling of emptiness. It’s like the void where my heart had been is now a crushing vacuum pulling inside me so hard that my every breath cannot compensate the overwhelming loss. Is this a part of me falling apart? I don't know. I have hurt myself many times over but I have never felt anything like this. I was imploding on myself.

Am I being punished somehow?

What should I do now?! This is an inevitable stalemate. A conundrum is my dilemma. A question that is either forbidden to answer or unclear.

So here I am now crying out this emptiness in the void of Cyberspace where no one can hear me. I'm still keeping my promise but this entry is now a mark you have made in my life. A line of an inevitable scar tissue. I will treasure you forever as I always did all these years. You have become that person who got away. You are far more deserving of that in my life.

Saturday, October 04, 2008

For no apparent reason...

I feel like crying over nothing... except that my tears are a wasted chance of happiness. Maybe it's just something I don't want to talk about at the moment.
I somehow feel broken-hearted... except that I have no idea if I was in love to begin with. I was told that it doesn't seem so and that only makes it hurt even more.
I somehow feel not good enough... except I did everything too right. Is that wrong?
I feel lost... except this is it just misplaced feelings?
I feel like I just broke a promise to myself... except why make godly promises for a human being?

"Do we dream because it cannot come true or are they dreams because it can never come true?"


Love Department: CLOSED

Another stark realization in my life. It's one of those stages in my life where I should just take a hint and quit now and cut my losses while I'm ahead. I was never much a quitter but, then again, I also do not play in a game where the odds are not in my favor.

Due to my lack of a backbone to chase the ever elusive "one" I have anything but a successful conclusion to my love story. These are highlighted that:
  • All the women I like are either UNHAPILLY married (making sure that we can only look at each other but not touch) or;
  • Are INFORMALLY separated and would cringe at anything resembling a penis. This includes my head, fingers, toes and, yes, surprisingly, my penis. Go figure.
  • All the single women suddenly decided to be celibate (as if for some unknown reason this is even remotely possible) at the same time Lehman brothers declared bankruptcy.
  • Some came back because for some strange reason they found out I'm earning close to a million per annum. Girls, let's stick to your original perception of me. I wasn't good enough for you then and I'm still NOT good enough for you now. This is as close as you'll ever get to me.
  • I am too fucking slow because I am such a FUCKING LOSER.
Fate has a way of mocking the predicament of either the impatient or the inexplicably and densely stupid. Soooo.... Just to show that I have anything but a childish sense of humor (and be a good sport of the imaginary thing that controls my life) I have to relate to the sardonicism in fate's humor. So, Fate, here's to you: Hahaha.... Good one!

So let it be known to all that my delusional quest in the love department in this lifetime is on hold - indefinitely. This is now a matter of principle because apparently this is very easy for everyone else. So if by some miraculous (and I do mean MIRACULOUS) twist in fate's erratic thinking, someone does come along, that girl would either have to a) hunt me down or b) would have to fall right on my head and kill me instantly so I would be dead and happy, thus, maintaining my stand in quitting while I'm ahead.

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