Tuesday, October 14, 2008

My dilemma is a rhetoric conundrum

If I don't let this out they might as well drag me to the next mental asylum.

Silence. I had no idea that it would be an unsettling moment - the teasing presence of your visage still fresh in my head. The traffic outside this cold taxi would be enough to keep me awake all night and yet there was nothing here. Again. Silence. Emptiness. I close my eyes.

This was reality. It was time to get back to it.

I must have said "good bye" a dozen times before letting you go. I must have looked back over and over again. I must have had my arms around you for as long as I can remember. I must have stared at you for hours even though it was only a few seconds before your heavenly image finally disappeared around that corner. I'm almost compelled to just chase you and hold you in my arms but I know that I would never see the end of it. Will I ever see you again? I'm almost too afraid to ask. But then again, I'm also too afraid to know the answer. Here I go again, playing safe. Do fools rush in or does this ridiculous quagmire spell a variant of stupidity? Was it wrong to see you again? Why don't I have any regrets even if it continually hurts me to see you go?

I was despondent that I couldn’t look anyone in the eye. My hair would obscure my eyes enough for me to sweep secretly past the living room. I didn’t take any chances. I didn’t even open the lights in my room even though someone was awake there. Although I mindlessly conversed with my roommate in reality I was fighting with all my might to hold back my despair as I tearfully unpacked and made my bed in the dark. In the darkness, truthfully, I just didn’t want to see myself like this. Although I didn’t want anyone to see me cry, I was lying to myself. I didn’t want to see myself cry. I don't want to be this pathetic. Your phone messages didn’t make it any easier to fight the pain. *sigh* I am a slave only to myself. The tortuous emotions just came flooding in to no end. Each time I pressed a button it was like a battle for control over my emotions and myself. I was losing. I didn't know what to say so I just rambled on about my frustration. Such simple tasks and yet I am nearly powerless to do it. This wound weakens me.

How can you doubt me? I gave you only the best of me - something I was never able to do. How can you deny my feelings even though my very heart that beats unreasonably for you continues to break as I enter every letter here? No matter how much it falls apart, no matter how much it breaks and no matter how much it hurts I know that all of these will never be enough for you to believe in me. It breaks my heart even more! Do you hear me? I LOVE YOU! Can't you see that? How do you want me to say it so you would believe me?!

Even though I don’t know, don't see or don't hear every pain you have gone through that compels you to push me away I can feel them every time I'm close to you. Pain is pain and so I don't have to experience yours to understand it. You still continue to haunt me. A bittersweet addiction to a countless maelstrom of emotions.

But this suffering not real to you, is it? My eyes are swollen and sore. My head is pounding with every heartbeat. I’m starving. But none of these are relevant because all of this - all this pain - isn’t real, right? I must be some dumbfuck who didn't get the punchline of a joke. My mind cannot manifest these feelings because I am in a level of dismay far greater than physical weaknesses. And my heart? Ah, my heart… The very organ that beats loudly in the night breathing in your very existence feels like it’s gone even though it now peacefully beats in an unnoticeable pace. I close my eyes and an hour passes. The pain is still there compounded by a feeling of emptiness. It’s like the void where my heart had been is now a crushing vacuum pulling inside me so hard that my every breath cannot compensate the overwhelming loss. Is this a part of me falling apart? I don't know. I have hurt myself many times over but I have never felt anything like this. I was imploding on myself.

Am I being punished somehow?

What should I do now?! This is an inevitable stalemate. A conundrum is my dilemma. A question that is either forbidden to answer or unclear.

So here I am now crying out this emptiness in the void of Cyberspace where no one can hear me. I'm still keeping my promise but this entry is now a mark you have made in my life. A line of an inevitable scar tissue. I will treasure you forever as I always did all these years. You have become that person who got away. You are far more deserving of that in my life.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Love is an emotion that I believe is a bit elusive -- hard to find - hard to keep. I wonder why it must be that way. A conundrum, don’t you think?

It must be really disappointing for you to arrive at the painful realization that things have to be this way.

Ahhh. yet another altitude of human pain.

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