Thursday, December 17, 2009

Immaterial Boy

I have always prided myself on being very unmaterialistic and always choosing to go after personal immaterial satisfaction instead of actual tangible gains. Sure, I buy things now and then but it's not so much in the possession as it is in the experience of finding what you want and having the ability to have it. I guess it hasn't changed the fact that I always want things for the experience not for the money OR the glory.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

My Engagement Ring

So there it was; on display. A white gold circular receptacle of unknown use (unknown to me) studded with a significantly large piece of glittering extravagance. For all I know it may have come from some starving country whose people's lives are lost for a piece of worthless rock whose value escapes me to this day.

Saturday, September 12, 2009

If women were cars

There are jokes that float around on the net about the differences between women and beer, women and guns and so on but since I'm the type who sees the similarities of things I decided to take the two things we men dig and merge them in to one fine mockery of our masculine lives. Let's face it. Woman and cars do have a lot in common budget-wise and functional-wise.

Monday, July 13, 2009

Goodbye to Friendster and my old life

Since 2001 I have always kept this account. I closed it once four years ago when some maligned girlfriend got jealous of a female friend who, surprisingly, is less attractive than her.

Thursday, July 02, 2009

Freedom is Sexy

finding my way
Originally uploaded by mchelmartinito
Be it the open air or tight places around the world, man has the gift of freedom in this world.

Do you think bureaucracy and politics can stop us from setting foot all around the world? I don't think so! The human being has unlimited potential even while standing still he can reach far and wide.

All these things can be accomplished if we have no one and nothing to weigh us down.

I advise all of you bachelors and bachelorettes out there to stay single "for as long as you can". Believe me, never a committed man or woman will ever give you any positive points for a long term relationship especially if one realizes there are still so many things they wish they did in their short bout of freedom. I have met fathers and mothers in my time. NONE of them ever gave me one piece of redeeming factor in commitment except for the thought if you only wanted kids, that is, if YOU want kids. I'm not sure most of you can withstand the screaming little hobgoblins ransacking your room.

Freedom is like currency or an asset. If you have to give that up you must assess the product you are trading. This is a commodity that gives you the luxury of being you.

NEVER give it up out of desperation or depression. If you know how to manage your life these won't be a problem.

NEVER ask someone to give up their freedom if they've only been free for a short time. While your stint with freedom may be long and exciting, robbing someone else of theirs will be inviting their regrets. To put it bluntly, don't get into someone who's way younger than you! They'll probably hate you for the rejection but in the end they'll be thankful.

Only complete people should add others to their lives. Never count on someone else to make your life complete. Make yourself whole by yourself first before reeling in someone to fill up some slack.

Lastly, NEVER give up your freedom completely. Be a free spirit. Free spirits can never be chained down. Always give time for yourself and yourself only. No cares and no worries guys! Live it up!

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Mistakes, Failures and Humility

While self-confidence is an admirable quality, there is quite a decent and honorable value in projecting humility in the times of our downfall. In fact, while most of us think of ourselves as gods or, in fact, create one, it is our flaws that give us a huge slap of realization about our humanity.

Everyone makes mistakes. That's a given. Admitting one's mistake is another story because more than once in my experience with people this is surprisingly a daunting task for some individuals.

Ideally in a relationship, be it successful or failed - most especially failed, should be an opportunity to learn - to grow. It is a chance for us to reflect on the things that went right, what went wrong and what is worth appreciating be it good OR bad. Consequentially, the brilliant human beings that we are, we should also formulate what needs to be done for the future.

Sounds pretty simple, right? Mmmm.... I wouldn't exactly say THAT simple. You see, some people have a problem with this and this is where my little unofficial psychology experiment goes: A person who has trouble admitting they did something wrong in their past relationship is unwittingly fated to do it again! You didn't learn anything. You're too stubborn to change so prepare for a world and a lifetime of frustration. Of course, basic human behavior is if you learned what you did wrong you won't do it again. You know, like having sex in a public place and not getting caught or learning that posting nude photos of yourself actually attracts members of the SAME sex.

It surprises me that the world is teeming with people who suffer from attitude problems in this aspect. Every so often I come across people who claim that they did no wrong in their past relationship and that it was their partner's fault. Sure, sure... everyone screws up. That doesn't make you infallible. I stay away from people like these. You can't talk to them you and you can't tell them anything. It's like talking to a raging river - loud and unstoppable but destined to going down and ending in nothingness.

Red lights on three things:
1) Blaming your partner for a failed relationship doesn't speak well of you - even if it's true.
2) Complete inability to admit one's mistakes shows that there is something wrong... WITH YOU.
3) Admitting your mistakes with an excuse that you "loved too much" or that you "trusted them too much" is not a valid concession of your mistakes. It basically translates as "it was my fault that it was their fault". The only person who believes you is you.

I usually see through a person's sincerity if they admit they made emotional lapses (without the usual excuse above) on their part. For me, a person who openly admits their mistakes in a relationship while at the same time answering the "what have we learned" part of that admission is the most sincere of all. Humility is the key to gaining respect. Gaining respect is where you earn your self-confidence and not a moment sooner. You fell you got up by realizing it was you alone who tripped.

That's all there is to it. Just like an insane person admitting their insanity and a drug addict admitting their addiction, the path to recovery starts with you. Don't look for scapegoats in your failed relationships. They don't exist but at least you can start by looking at the mirror!

Thursday, June 04, 2009

Video scandals degrade us all

My friend Jas shared this link with me a few hours ago. I was originally thinking about writing my own blog about the whole sex video scandal thing but, what can I say, there's nothing in that blog that she hasn't pulled out of me.

She's right, actually. So right that I've only seen two of the videos and it was probably enough to give me a wet dream for a night but it also left me asking: "Is this it???" This what our entire nation has been reduced to - ogling leaked sex videos of our favorite celebrities as if these people are the cornerstones of our existence. Ironically, to most of us, they are!

C'mon, guys! We've seen this shit since we were in college! What else is new? Are you guys so cheap that you scrimp on seventy pesos for a decent porn video CD? Hasn't everyone heard of torrents yet?

Before y'all say that I'm being a hypocrite about the whole sex video thing, mind you I still prefer a professionally recorded porn video over this ANYTIME. There's no pleasure in watching a hastily and awkwardly recorded video about young couples who have nothing better to do with their time. The idiots and perverts are not the ones on-screen but rather the ones drying their eyes out in ignorant amazement.

Oh, and by the way, don't call them scandals. They're still sex videos! Duh!

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

My Fantasy Interview

I kinda missed my hometown lately so I wondered to myself, what job could I possibly find back in Cebu that would satisfy me. To my frustration, only one name stood out repeatedly in the list of job openings (Funny, as if they could afford the manpower!).

This is how I'd imagine the interview going in my head:

Interviewers (hypocritical smiles): Welcome back, Chad. Uhm, how much is your asking price if we should consider you?

Chad: I'm leaning towards 50,000 pesos NET. I don't care how much you're going to put on top of that but I that SHOULD be my net pay.

Interviewers (awkwardly snickering in shock): Uhm, is this salary negotiable? Like maybe... lower?

Chad: That's my lowest if you feel that I am worth much more I'm all ears. *grinning*

Interviewers (managing a hypocritical but irate smile): Any specific reason why you are asking this much?

Chad: Well, I heard you pay certain incapable people for much more so I think I'm not asking "too much". *smirking* Don't worry, I was paid more but I've lowered it to match the cost of living in Cebu.

Interviewers (obviously Tagalog): You do realize that the cost of living is far lower here in Cebu than Manila, right?

Chad (now offended by the remark): Please, with all due respect, don't talk to me as if I wasn't born and raised here. I've lived here for 29yrs. Save for my rent, a McDonald's costs just as much as it does here, a KFC costs just as much and a tapsilog costs 50 pesos. There is absolutely NO DIFFERENCE in the cost of living here and in Manila. So if you want to bullshit someone, bullshit someone who doesn't have the homecourt advantage.

Interviewers: I can see you worked for our competitor after working with us. Did you know that you signed an agreement not to work for our competitor after working here?

Chad: Well, yes, but I figured if your company was unable to exhibit a sense of ethics I don't see any reason why I should uphold my end of the bargain. Besides, you guys can't afford a lawyer to go after me.

Interviewers: Is that so, sir?

Chad: Well, unless you can find a lawyer whose fees cost just the same as the rags in your office supplies. Last time I checked you couldn't afford that one either.

Interviewers (smirking): It appears you have quite a "record" here in our company. I believe you received a couple of disciplinary actions in the past. That is going still going to stay when you come back.

Chad: You're seeing it all wrong, Sir and Ma'am. Your company has quite a record amongst your own employees. I wouldn't call them disciplinary actions but rather "reward" for my hard work and, of course, incentive for refusing to sleep with my manager and letting her pet suck my balls. So this is in your favor that I still see this company in a positive light.

Interviewers (disgusted): Sir, I think you better leave. I don't see why you bothered to apply for this job if this is you're bringing this conversation.

Chad (standing up and leaving): Honestly, I had no intention to apply for this job. I just wanted to prove to myself that you guys can really be bullshitted by my no far superior credentials than when I left and you did. You are also under the impression that you can bring me in for the same asking price, which I know you secretly expect. I hate freeloaders! I didn't amass this much knowledge just so you can cash in with as little investment as you can that others have offered.

Interviewers (whispering): Do you think we should call security.

Chad (peering back in): Guys, if I wanted to do something I would have done it a long time ago and succeeded. Believe me. *winking*

Friday, May 08, 2009

Answering the "What Ifs"

I get a lot of comments that I look too young for my age but I would like to state beforehand that I am not saying this in a gloating tone. No, sir.

It has come to my personal annoyance that this has gone on for so long that I am not at all flattered by the fact that no one takes me seriously because I "look young" or the fact that my first name sounds like I am a fucking Muslim terrorist! Mind you that I can land on you like a ton of bricks if you so much as underestimate me in a belittling tone. Well, as all things human would go, it has already been a calculated prediction that how consistently moronic and inconsistently idiotic my post may seem that anyone would bother to take me seriously anyway. Hell, I don't take myself too seriously either!

There are no "fountain of youth" secrets here. I drink, I smoke, I sleep late, I masturbate more than I care to think about and I border on depression and emotionless states. No, these are not the things that keep anyone from looking young and yet I stay that way anyway. Why?

Frankly, I have no idea! I've seen people around me age faster and some, of course, are just like me so no gloating here that I'm the only one blessed with this genetic advantage. I do have one theory though: Experiences.

Those people who look older have gone through so much as opposed to what little I have been through. Is experience the catalyst for rapid aging? I can only speculate about it but the connection seems all too common.

I am a child to the world and I guess I'll forever stay that way. I guess it's because I always play on the safe and comfort zones. Never taking risks and regretting the opportunities that were denied to me. It is only recently that I have started taking on the "what ifs" in my life. I stopped playing safe. I decided to take plunges and leaps of faith. I realized that I am the type who doesn't believe in life after death. This is the only life I've got so I might as well make the most of it. Sure, I know that some risks consequently knock me down in a demeaning or hurtful state but why stay down?

Hey, it was only last week that I was down on my emotions over someone and something that had no obvious direction. Yet, I woke up last Monday feeling somewhat refreshed - rejuvenated - as if I've been incubating in a cocoon. It's really, really strange. I was smiling. I was... HAPPY! I guess it was because I realized that this person was weighing me down trying to keep me in need and making sure that I would always be miserable so I had nowhere else to run. Yet here I am. Smiling. Cheerful. Free. (No, guys, it's not a girlfriend! I've been single for over a year now.) The feeling of doubt in my past was set free. I was moving forward - regardless of the unknown. A "what if" was answered. In fact, a lot of what ifs in this past year were answered. Last year was... tumultuous and yet... satisfyingly interesting. At least I got a new hobby out of it! Plus the fact that I made my family happy and proud. ;)

To top it all off I received this inspiring text message from a friend saying this: "When you have found the reason to walk away, never look back. Just keep on walking, even if the destination is unclear. It will take a lot of courage for every step you make, but it will save some pride and honor for yourself. It's better to get lost moving on thant being stranded and broken after all."

One week and I'm better? God, I love bein' a man! God, next time make it an hour! :)

Saturday, May 02, 2009

My Oath To You, Ms. Right

Ms. Right,

I may not have met you nor do I know you yet but I do know that one day when I meet you or when you find this blog this will be my oath to you:
  • I know that there may be things you might keep from me and I respect that but I also hope you can do the same about me. I promise that I will try to share everything I can about me.
  • We may have our fights. I might say things that can hurt you and you might also do the same. I promise you, by the end of the day, I will still be here. I will still be with you. I will not leave you. I will not love you any less. I hope you will be strong enough to do the same.
  • I may not always understand you and you may not always understand me. This will be the cause of our conflicts. If this happens, remember the point above. Please do not mistake our shortcomings as weakness but opportunities to learn to make us stronger together.
  • I get jealous but I'm not smothering. I promise you that I will not ask you to change your life or who you are just for me. I accept you for what you are and who you are. If at all, I would wish that you never change.
  • The world is a daunting place and I'd imagine you'd have no problems facing it. I promise you that no matter what the world throws at us, I will be by your side facing the world with you. Never be ashamed or too proud to come to me.
  • I'm not supposed to spoil you but I promise you that I will try to give you everything you need.
  • I know you are not perfect and neither am I. I promise you that I won't demand you to be 100% perfect. Instead, I'm going to be that missing piece of you that will make you and us perfect.
  • Lastly, I know I may not uphold all of these things I said, but please help me remember them.
  • Most of all, if I am willing to grow old with you and I hope that I will never have to disappoint you or break your heart.

These things I offer you and these things I can promise you.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

52 things I would love to say out loud at work

I got this list from a friend of mine. I thought to myself if I would've been more popular if I used these lines back at my company in Cebu. ;) It would even be more tempting saying these in the face of the moronic broke white boy puppets running the company.

52 things I would love to say out loud at work

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of sh*t.

2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

3. How about never? Is never good for you?

4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.

6. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?

7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.

10. Ahhhh. I see the f ***-up fairy has visited us again.

11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.

12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a sh*t.

14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

18. Any resemblance between your reality and mine are purely coincidental.

19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks?!

20.. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

23. And your cry-baby whiny-arsed opinion would be?

24. Do I look like a f****** people person to you?

25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

26. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.

27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

30. Whatever kind of look you were aiming for, you missed.

31. Oh I get it. Like humour, but different.........

32. An office is just a mental institute without the padded walls.

33. Can I swap this job for what's behind door .........1?

34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

35. Nice perfume (or aftershave). Must you marinate in it?

36. Chaos, panic, and disorder. My work here is done.

37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

38. I thought I wanted a career; it turns out I just needed the money.

39. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being more intelligent.

40. Wait a minute - I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

41. Aren't you a black hole of need.

42. I'd like to help you out, which way did you come in?

43. Did you eat an extra bowl of stupid this morning?

44. Why don't you slip into something more comfortable? Like a coma.

45. If you have something to say raise your hand.........then place it over your mouth.

46. I'm too busy, can I ignore you some other time?

47. Don't let your mind wander, its too small to be let out on its own.

48. Have a nice day, somewhere else.

49. You're not yourself today, I noticed the improvement straight away.

50. You are as pretty as a picture, I'd really like to hang you.

51. Don't believe everything you think.

52. Do you hear that? That's the sound of no-one caring.

Monday, April 27, 2009

The Love That Wasn't

Last year was a very... "trying" kind of year. (For lack of a better word)

You see, I've been single for a reasonable period now. It's not that it bothers me anymore but there was this brief instance last year that I was really up for it. I was really going to go loco once again. HOWEVER, (and you thought this was going to be a happy ending, ey?) something else happened that made that desire an epehemeral fantasy. (Don't ask!) A blatant act of compulsive stupidity! For the life of me that experience pushed that thought so far up my ass that I'm not sure if I'm gonna puke it out just to get that urge again or wait til the thought of it comes out as a SHITTY idea.

Oh well, that was me: A hungry dog chasing and jumping after every morsel of meat being waved at me except that my tormentor had no intention of letting me have it. She was gonna wait til I starved to death and then laugh hysterically at how wretched an animal I was. Consequently, the dog died just as she wanted. She's laughing now.

It doesn't surprise me that the good Lord has forbidden me from accumulating wealth as I am quite "accident prone" when it comes to women. My current savings pervents me from chasing them around the world for whatever bout of insanity that has come over me. It prevents me from showering them with any type of item that glitters and costs somewhere around the a year's salary and the price of my soul. What for? She's gonna make a run for it anyway! With that being said, I'm glad for whatever trace of sanity I hav left, it has left me to reason that I have not relinquished my entire savings to her and eventually starve to death naked.

Currently, my trauma - both personal and external - has left me disgusted at the thought of it. I am on a dry spell right now. Browsing Facebook or Friendster only frustrates me and my sex drive is next to nil. This "sexual depression" has somewhat gotten hold of me. Oh, well, at least I know I wouldn't be doing anything crazy for the months to come. O_o (not to mention on last Sunday's Car Show I was able to take pictures of female models unperturbed)

I cannot justify or quantify the reasons for a relationship when everyone else around me either advises me against it or shuns me away from it. Besides, I'm in that stage again that I am in complete utter bitterness at seeing anything resembling the opposite sex or relationships with them as a whole.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Most hurtful things a girl ever said to me

Arranged from less hurtful to downright heartless.

3) I love you. 
The woman who told me this wasn't exactly my girlfriend but when she told me this she also says she treats a boyfriend differently. She goes on to say she is different in loving her boyfriends. Ok, so the logic here is simple: If you treat your REAL boyfriends differently than me then you REALLY don't love me because the people you loved are treated differently than me, right? This is similar to speaking softly but carrying a big stick or building a house but prioritizing the back door so you can get out quick (Yes, I know that sentence sounds stupid! Go figure!). A professed love spoken in insincerity can be very hurtful.So goes the saying: "If you believed in his/her 'I love you', why are you still single?'"

2.) "I'm sorry, Chad. I have analyzed my situation a hundred times over but I just don't have room in it for you."
I can't blame her. I admit I also felt this way in the past. Relationships eventually become dead weight. It hurts but I understood the practicality of her decision. It just wasn't our time anymore. From what little I know about women they usually have this "self-inflicted psychological trauma" that they have to go through from time to time.

1.) "If you love me you wouldn't let me ride a jeep. We should always take a taxi."
Now I know this sounds harmless or weird to most of you but this was one line that really slapped me back to the reality on the superficiality of my girlfriend. To someone like me who was dating on a budget it was a huge blow. I was a college student with a pitiful allowance. Do the math. By the time we'd be watching a movie half of my allowance would be lost on transportation. It was simple when it all started. Suddenly she wouldn't go out with me if I didn't bring a car along or let her ride some form of public transportation unless there was only 3 of us in it (driver included). Now we know how to take a hint, right? She didn't like me and was simply using me for her convenience.

Note: In no way am I pertaining to just one relationship here. I can't be that unlucky to be stuck with some gold digging, sadistic and heartless bitch! 

Sunday, April 12, 2009

Myths About Me

I know that I am a very sardonic, sarcastic and bitter person. But in spite of my disturbing behavior that borders just around a personality disorder and can only be described as maniacal and troubled I cannot help but notice that this has brought me in a mixed light. So here are the common things people see in me:

* I am a good friend because I am always there when they need me. Actually, I'm always here because I have a minimalistic social life and I'm usually bored. I've got nothing better to do but harass mentally retarded clairvoyants who claim they can guess the size of Jesus' genitals by watching kiddie porn.

* I'm a gentleman because nothing happened when we slept together. Quite frankly, I'm simply just NOT interested.

* I'm tactless. Truth be told, only tactless people notice that. It has been my observation that people who like to take potshots usually have no internal sense of humor. In other words, people who like to make fun of others usually can't take it if they are the victims of their own devices. If you don't have a sense of humor about things being thrown at you then you better grow up! Stop whining about being harassed if you take pleasure in doing it yourself!

* I'm gay. It is no surprise to all of us that most women are SORE LOSERS. For this reason, it is rare that I see women participate in team sports or sports that require an opponent as most cannot accept defeat. With that in mind, just because I won't back down from an argument doesn't quantify the logic that I'm a fag. Be a good sport, ladies. You can't win 'em all. Don't run to your defense mechanism.

* I'm always smiling. I only smile in front of everyone. I have an image to uphold. I can't afford to show weakness as my friends look to me for strength and hope. ;)

* Nothing gets me down. Ok so this is the only thing true about me. Sure I get knocked down from time to time but I always get up. 

Wednesday, April 08, 2009

Weirdest things I've seen

Throughout my life I have seen some pretty weird and disturbing things. I will continuously add to this from time to time.

* It was late night and we saw this old woman walking by the sidewalk. Her eyes were blank and she was walking aimlessly right for the intersection causing a lot of panic to yielded traffic. Sleepwalking?

* I once knew this woman who had a perfectly normal pregnancy but she opted to have a c-section because she didn't want anything to happen to her genital. There was absolutely nothing wrong with her or her baby. Probably acting on some old wives' tales?

* While riding an elevator, this one woman, after talking for a brief moment with her companions, suddenly and mindlessly walked toward the closed elevator doors and bumped her head. She had no recollection for that span of time of what had happened.

* Saw a crazy kid piss in front of this well-known school highschool for girls. He wasn't just pissing on the wall he was pissing in front of the sidewalk facing the school in front of girls from all ages. ;)

... more to come

Friday, April 03, 2009

The Hitman: Target #104 (Part 1)

Draft started: 01/19/09

The bright city lights glowed a sinister glow in his studio apartment that consisted mostly of glass windows. He usually keeps the lights off in his unit to keep himself unseen. There was nothing except the faint glow of the lamps placed by the sides of his sofa. Silence. He is far too empty in himself to really appreciate how well taken cared of he is by his employer. Leather sofas, a 70" Full HD LCD TV, a king size bed and a bathroom that you can throw a club party in. The view from his room was enough to make any man feel like a god. That's right, this was a place fit for a king, a president or some corrupt government official. He didn't care. He can't really see the beauty of it all. Once you've tasted blood spilt by your own hand the world looks literally... dilapidated.

His Glock G39 subcompact - silencer in place - set neatly atop his polished wooden desk beside a carefully arranged row of gun accessories, ammunition, and a dossier folder. His next target. Fresh meat. Although he discretely preferred the weapon for its "safe action" or trigger safety feature, he found that he never needed it. It was somewhat a personal fail-safe for him should he change his mind about his heinous acts on a fellow human being. It never did him any good though. In fact, it never even did him any good five years ago. Then again, a split second lock could do a world of wonders should his equally indifferent boss come to his senses. Sadly, no such decision was ever made. He didn't even bother upgrading the mag capacity. He was very efficient in his job.

"It's a ladies' gun, pare!" his peers would often tease. To him, the size was for practicality rather than form. You don't earn pogi points for showing off a big-ass gun used for blowing someone's brains out because your employer didn't like the way your victim pisses. Most of the time you'd just scare people away, women in particular, if you carry anything resembling a gun - yes, even your dick! The gun is just the perfect blend of power and concealability - very reliable. It was registered, of course, so he can pass off on security checks but he carried a different barrel in the gun itself on every assignment. It was illegal to do this, obviously, but it was his boss who provides the bogus barrels.

It had been five years since the judgment he passed on to her - the end of her at the end of his barrel. The number still rings in his head like some sappy boy band song whose tune you can't seem to get the fuck out of your head. With one smooth motion on his lips he whispers her target number to himself. "103". A number that holds significance only to himself.

It is said that you never lose your soul until you take another one's life. Although dozens of lives have fallen by his hand he never really lost his soul until he lost her. That's what he tells himself but who was he kidding?

His next target. A politician. A woman. A local government official who's currently vacationing in Hong-Kong. Perfect. Plus the info he just read that this married woman is fond of using men. She's probably in Hong-Kong tasting the exotic Asian chorizos. A long distance kill for a local political rivalry. This was easier than getting her here. Fewer questions and another country would take the blame.

Target #104. It is time.

Thursday, April 02, 2009

Divine Attraction

It was supposed to be a face of an occasional visitor. This was different. A face from a distant past. The years that passed were unkind to her and the marks of age showed. He saw nothing of it. To him she was as young and radiant as the first time he saw her many years ago. She was frozen in time - forever immortal.

He pursued her this time. A chance he never had before but it soon became clear that it was too late. It was strange, really. The whole time all he ever wanted was for her to let him into her world. Sadly, as all tragic love stories go, this was not the case. She was too distant.

When he first met her she was a goddess. A distant star that seemed always out of reach. A wild horse that could never be tamed. From then on, she existed only in his dreams. It became clear now that this will be as near as he'll ever get to her. He was an unworthy subject far down the world beyond her realm. He didn't deserve her. Their distant worlds made it impossible for their eyes to see their ways. Their paths were never meant to cross - in a perfect world or otherwise. She could never love him. She never loved him. That was the devastating truth. For why would the divine love a man? He was nothing.

Now, whoever she was... Whoever that soul he knew from the past... was long dead. She died somewhere in the world that collapsed on her and whatever or whoever this person is who stood in front of him was nothing more than a tangled mess of emotions corrupted by regret and resentment. He was just too late. Now he will forever bear and pay the price for that punishment. Gods have too much pride to admit their flaws if it even existed. But it was her pride that was her own undoing.

With that realization, the future is now uncertain for him. She may have taken a small moment of his life but she has taken a large chunk of his heart with her. This empty void was now useless to him. Yes, she was different. Different because he held on to those memories of her all these years - wondering and waiting. This was the woman who was the enigma of his past that unraveled him from his childish ways. Now that she passed him by with his heart in tow his next steps felt meaningless. It was a void too wide to fill even for a mere mortal woman. For the first time in his life he feared his future - the fate of his emotions. It may be too soon to say now but from how he sees it, no one would suffice. He knows that it doesn't matter who is going to be in his arms. They would feel like sand through his fingers. When he will be beside them he would find himself looking distantly - absently - for her wishing that somewhere he was with her. The only treasure worth having. The only adventure worth experiencing. Good or bad he would stupidly and naively squander his life away for her.

He would feel empty - incomplete without her. Once you've tasted perfection; once you've seen perfection; once you've felt perfection, you run out of sensible comparisons.

Wednesday, April 01, 2009

Be wary of this pussy tattoo

There was this one time I had a chat with my best friend when he started bringing up girls he wanted to introduce me to.

"Dude, whoever your girls are I don't want them". I said.

"The bitch probably has some tattoo somewhere saying 'Ervin was here'".

Ervin wryly replied, "That's okay. It could be worse. You could have undressed her and saw a tattoo reading 'My name is Ervin'".

Good point, Ervin.

Types of ILOVEYOUs

What are the types of "I LOVE YOUs"? Well, in my lifetime I have heard different tones from different mouths. Believe me, just because a person says they love you or that they show you that they do it is a far cry from the meaning if they are not said from the heart with utmost sincerity.


The rarely heard and difficult to say version. This is the version from people who are afraid to commit. I know some people don't say it a lot but there's a difference here. These people respond to your "I love you" while the ones I'm talking about have a hard time saying it. I hate to be the bearer of reality (yet again) but the reason why they can't express their love vocally is because it bothers them to say it. They usually compensate the lapse by hiding it in "affectionate" acts and defensively say "do my actions speak for themselves?". No, they don't and, mind you, this can easily be faked or interpreted differently in the guise of other intentions. This is their defense mechanism. They believe that avoiding the vocal expression absolves them of the guilt but lying is lying no matter how much you hide it. Remember, saying you love someone and acting them out must go in tandem. Any person who is incapable of doing both is troubled - deeply.

This is the I love you made in the sweetest tone. It literally warms the blood and increases the hormones (and all the stirring in the pants). Be wary of partners who use these tones. Some of them are fond of saying it but can reverse it in an instant. Trust me, I've known partners who are soooooo good in these words that I could have sworn they would have taken a bullet for me. On the other hand, if I screw up in the slightest they don't hesitate to take it all away in a blink of an eye. These are very poisonous. These people have your feelings as their hostages. These types of people are manipulative, mean, cons and fakes. Let's not forget that these people will be the first to jump ship at the first sign of trouble with you or in the relationship. This is the other half of I LOVE YOU #1. All talk and no walk. These are the quitters in your life. Start running - fast!

The Unconditional I Love You. For some of you who were lucky enough to hear this, it is the unflinching version of the phrase. It doesn't change. It doesn't fade. It doesn't disappear. Come hell or high water your partner will stick to you and their perception of you will never change. However, nobody's perfect. Some people in this category fall in abusive, neediness and stalker status. If you're the the type who can go into that type of thing there's a difference between just the right one and too much. Remember, too much love can kill you.

In this day and age we have to invest our time and, most of all, our trust in the right people to be our partners in life. This applies to all types of relationships! To survive in this world you need to go with fighters and not quitters. The road to foolproof relationships is not set in stone. Everyone falls while only a few survive. The rest have to pick up the pieces and decide whether the trip is still worth it or just quit and cut your losses. Ditto.

Saturday, February 28, 2009


On my way back to Manila, my mom helped me pack my things and she accidentally came across my supply of condoms. While it didn't surprise her why I had them she thought that I should keep them in one pocket of my bag.

"Chad, why not use this pocket? There's still plenty of room here" she suggested.

"No, mom, that's not a good idea."

"Why is that?"

"Because last year that's where you stuffed your sewing needles."

*silly laughs*

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Understanding the business side of things

I've noticed a lot of people whine about hassles and requirements of certain products that don't make sense to them. Take for example the iPod's requirement that iTunes be used to save/upload music to the device. People bitch about why use the damn software for it. For Apple, it makes legal sense to make sure that whatever music is in your iPod your PC must have a copy as well. Technically, they made sure that you OWN the music on one computer. Of course, with piracy as a potential issue to bring up here their interface or whatever they call makes sure that your source is only in one place and one place only - your PC. But who takes that shit seriously these days, eh?

Most people are consumers and not businessmen. These people don't understand that while you whine about wanting features "you only get what you pay for". That's like expecting to have a Ferrari engine in your pathetic Vios and expecting to pay for only the price of the latter.

I ran across a certain a DSLR review site while trying to explore a good camera to start a new hobby in photography. (I had experience in 35mm SLRs when I was a kid. I just thought it's worth revisiting) It turned out this site had a reputation for being subjective in its review. Of course, it doesn't take a genius to figure out that even with the amount of effort put into reviewing a Nikon D40, D60 or D80 it all boils down to choosing the D40 no matter what. No, I will not give out the link so as to save the ignorant. ;)

One thing that caught my eye though was the article about the insignificance of the megapixels (MP) in a camera. After experiencing a 6MP DSLR lick any XX megapixel digicam in terms of great color and pictures I understood that the lens played a vital role in digital photography but in NO WAY is it the sum of all the other's parts. Megapixels DO count and, as I have stated earlier, it neglects to point out the economic (or business side) of using higher megapixels. Now, before anyone reacts violently I would like to point out that I am NOT an engineer NOR am I a businessman. I'm just good at speculating the whys.

As I see it, the purpose of a higher MP is so you have a more detailed digital zoom plus the capability to print larger pictures! (Higher MP produces larger resolutions, hence, larger pictures.) A higher MP camera will optically zoom in on an image at a certain range and then use the pixels rendered by the image to digitally zoom on it. Of course, that goes without saying nothing beats optical zoom. Another advantage for higher MP? If you're into graphics design you'll know how important it is to have high quality pictures. 6MP just won't cut it!

Higher MP has its economic advantages. Compared to an optical zoom lens, it's cheaper to buy a $350 10MP digicam with 3x optical zoom and some 5x digital zoom than a $2,000 zoom lens. Right? The guys back at Sony or Pentax or Olympus understood that they need to distribute their products readily and evenly to everyone with money on the market. If you're gonna wait for anyone to just buy your $1,000 product your business is screwed. If it were up to the enthusiastically ignorant hobbyist, all cameras (or any product for that matter) would be high-end. This means that most companies would be on life support because they are only penetrating a smaller niche in the market. If the average Joe cannot afford your shit then that's money you're NOT making. Let's face it, no matter what business ethics tell you, you are NOT THEIR ONLY customer.

Take note, I didn't do any research when I said that. I just tried to explain by trying to get inside the heads of the brainless managers and their witless cronies that know jack shit about their own products.

What was the point of all this? I'm just saying before you bitch about some crappy product usage procedure try to understand first why it was made that way. The creators have their reasons, it may not be what you expect to hear but it's what makes sense for them - regardless how poor their sense of taste is. ;)

Oh, and if you can't afford a good DSLR camera you can always search for that article and "tell" yourself that megapixels don't count. It's a simple white lie you'll be telling yourself that you're just too cheap to buy something better.

Monday, February 09, 2009

World, I apologize!

I noticed quite recently that a lot of my frustrations have been very rampant. So rampant that I have taken heed to some readers that it IS disturbing.

As for the rest, I'm guessing most of you guys are wondering if I must be a really bad person to share all of these dark and depressing entries but, fact of the matter is this, I'm a guy. Another fact is this: My world expects me to be strong and perfect. Yet another fact: I'm NOT perfect.

As I look at everything I have posted so far I've come to realize that my life is far from pleasant - distant from being perfect but less than ordinary. If my assumptions are correct I know most of you guys are probably sick and tired of listening to my sourgraping. It's pathetic, I know! You don't have to make that clear. My, God, I'm starting to sound like those whining white boys that I despise so much!

Quite frankly, I'm also sick and tired of writing about all the things that's gone wrong with my life but, then again, this was the original intention of this blog. I'm sick and tired of sharing all this misery and imposing it on you my "imaginary" readers! ;) God, I can't even remember the last time I shared something or anything remotely resembling a hint of cheer. There's just the usual bouts of humor I find in every pitfall. Hey, I always said that someday I will look back on this and laugh! It doesn't seem like I'm currently laughing though. :-/

Love, it's always about love, is it? Or about work! Same old. Same old. Oh, by the way, if you're expecting in this post an apology for my politically incorrect reference to certain individuals then you're not getting it here. Just like everyone else, I exhibit some degree of distaste for certain strains of individuals from males, females or the third sex.

I try to remind myself that it always gets worse before it gets better. I still wonder if I would live to see the day where I can say a little something happy for a change. (Geez, I even had a hard time spelling "happy"! Here's another secret: I also stutter in typing "love" too.)

For once I would like to write a little something different. Just once I would like to start out with: "I met her by the porch. It was just a chance meeting because I needed some air away from the crowd..." and then it would end with "we still fight on a regular basis but at the end I still love her more... I bought her roses the other day...". Of course, we all know that anything close to resembling the last part is probably a myth. Usually we end up saying "I hope he/she gets run over with every tire on a 16-wheeler!". It's so tiring hearing that shit over and over again. :(

Who knows, right? A few of us had a happy ending maybe the rest of us will get ours.

"Only God makes happy endings. If it's not happy then it's not the end."

Tuesday, February 03, 2009

The Strength of Depression

eli's gloom
Originally uploaded by pehjeh
"Turn your weaknesses into strengths." That's what they tell you. That's also what I tell myself. So that's why I'm probably half alive in this world. Humans are good at overcoming obstacles by going beyond physical and mental weaknesses.

One particular human weakness I have learned to harness recently is depression. Yup, that's right! This too can be turned to our advantage - our strength.

Of course, it's not healthy to keep it up though but once it's there, know at least that you can use it in your favor. When and IF you get past the "lazy" phase of it I found that depression:

...increases your tolerance for pain. You can then withstand some physical tasks like sports and work.
...clears your mind because you're not actually thinking of anything else. Thus, if you're focusing on something it's a lot easier. Two thoughts are better than a dozen. Holding on to that focus is a little tricky though.
...keeps you awake when you need an all-nighter. You're not eating and you're not sleeping. So get your ass up and do something productive! If you're going to be sad about something don't be sad about everything else!
...increases alcohol tolerance.
...prolongs ejaculation due to decreased blood flow. *wink* *wink* (not too low though. otherwise, you would end up not getting it)
...makes you feel at ease doing certain things because you're at this I-don't-give-a-fuck-anymore attitude so you're probably more prone to be aggressive and open about things you would otherwise keep to yourself.
...minimizes your fear of death that you have more chances of winning a gunfight/bar fight with a dozen opponents who are happy but scared shitless. You can do various hobbies with this one: sky diving, bungee jumping, drag racing. ;)

So just like that movie "Drunken Master" this strong emotion can be rolled with the punches and lead you to some sort of victory. Maybe, against yourself?

Who would've thought? :D

Monday, January 19, 2009

2008 Reflections

It has always been a post-year habit of mine to just sit in a quiet place and think about the events of the entire year. This, however, is my (second?) time to put it in my blog.

2008 was an interesting year for me. For the first time in my life I spent a year away from my family. I met new friends and found old ones. I fell in love again after a couple or so years of dry runs. I got a job with a pay that I can be proud of. Most of all, I mustered the courage to go to a place beyond my country on my own.

It was this excursion that made me reassess my perception about settling in another country. Hey, I was in love! Love makes us do things in leaps and bounds - even if they all seem pointless in the end. Productive and impressive as it may sound, the intentions may be outward hypocritical. It moves you to bend your own principles and distort your perception about ANYTHING.

After thinking over the possible reasons I narrowed it it down to simple excuses. I only need to justify three things before making an irreversible exodus. I need to prove that I was doing it:
1) for her.
2) for us.
3) for me.

First one was tricky. It demanded a lot of thought because, as what I have stated time and again, I'm a poor judge of character when it comes to finding a partner. Guilty yet again, I don't have ANY hint of reason to deny this. Even if I run the risk of living miserably in another country with someone who may only be pretending to be someone she's not, I'm too unfocused to think logically. I was in love and I am selflessly doing moronic things for her.

The second one was easier. Of course, if one were to do something for someone it won't mean anything if you face it and do it together. I was going to be thousands of miles away from home so I need to know that our companionship can and WILL work. Let me just assume (assuming is wrong though) that this is okay.

Lastly, the final reason. I wish I could say that there was anything in it for me; that I have anything to gain for doing this obviously unreasonable act. I don't. I guess all this time that I have always been doing things for someone else I usually forget about myself. Please, don't bullshit me with all that "you're so selfish" line (or that "you need to think about the other person". Bull-SHIT). I couldn't answer this reason. I have a good life here and I have to give it all up to start a new one for someone who cannot guarantee me anything and who would only emphasize an undeniable fact that this can never happen. Was I being manipulated? Before you all say that love is about taking risks and all that crap need I remind you that there also needs to be an established foundation for that drama. I have none of that. I stand with a lot to lose. It's like staking everything you have even when you already know the fateful outcome is your loss. This is more like those "I'll play with your feelings now until I find Mr. Right." or "I'm bored and you're available so you'll do." type of things. Yep, that's me. The perfect toy for the bored woman. I am a sucker for emotional punishment and any girl with misandric aspirations would have a field day with me.

So what's the verdict? I always thought that I would forever be stuck in this country and eventually die here. I guess maybe that's true coz right now I have NO REASON to leave. (the first two don't count)

Sins of the past

Due to my history of failed relationships my mom put my love life under a microscope. So it's only fair that every time I go into a relationship I give my girl the heads up of the world of scrutiny she will most likely encounter.

Not so long ago, after I told my girl about all this she replied with a sigh saying "why do I have to pay for your ex's wrongs?" I didn't think much of it that time. After all, who wouldn't react to something like that? It was any new boyfriend or girlfriend's job to prove that she is different. Damage control always comes with the territory.

After an encounter with a relationship that was full of manipulation for reasons I have connected in time I ended up asking the same question. "Why do I have to pay for a past relationship's mistakes?" It's really different when you're at the receiving end of the stick I tell you.

I just can't see the logic on exacting one's revenge on someone else. It just doesn't make any sense! I mean, even from where I stand I don't see any peace of mind in it. I can probably exact my revenge on every new woman I'll ever meet but that would never be enough to grant justice to the guilty. It's as if these people are trying to spread their love-stricken misery among the people who are happy. What's worse is that most of them actually find PLEASURE in it!

It was always a point that someone had to heal from a past relationship before moving on. Apparently some never do while most of the others use others for that fix. Oh, the song sounds too familiar. You get baited with promises of loyalty, sincerity and integrity and when you're sold out on the whole bullshit you get to be tormented the way they were - spreading the bitterness. We don't deserve to be treated like this!

I really pity the rebound guy and girl. As the title of the song "Love is a battlefield" states, it can only imply that most people fight the war and only a few of us are innocent bystanders victimized by the ravages of that war.

I find it really depressing that an emotion of love can actually manifest the opposite in an infectious way.

I wish there was something I could share to avoid this but hate - love's by-product - has pretty much spread this infectious disease on the populace. A drug that we so willingly accept...

but the addiction can never be broken.

Friday, January 09, 2009

The pitfalls of forbidden love

The obvious thing is that money laundering is a crime. There's this thing these high profile mob bosses do with their money where they deposit it in some sort of "trust" fund and leave their hard earned (or ripped off) cash to someone else. Pardon me if I'm not making any sense, I was always slow when it comes to accounting terms.

This concept is fine and dandy when you're trying to hide more money than you're capable of declaring to have, however, if the, proxy decides to make a run for it who are they gonna tell? They can't tell the cops because the money isn't SUPPOSED to exist! Those are the risks of hiding laundered money. If you succeed, it can be rewarding. If not, you get screwed big time.

Every once in a while, you might find yourself stuck in a predicament where your affections cannot be outwardly known for reasons you are either ashamed or afraid to disclose. This is totally understandable and complicated but whatever your reasons are, I assure you, you might as well be laundering money. At least there is a 50/50 guarantee of a reward.

In a forbidden love you don't deal with currency. You deal with emotions and you gamble with it too! More often than not, intellectual analysis is never part of the decision process but then again since when has love ever required a large amount of brain activity? (I know I don't) There are no banks here. The trustees (wow, I used a banking term!) are just the two of you and, depending on your abilities to keep secrets, a select few.

On both counts I have mentioned, it's risky business. You can't tell anyone, right? In the LIKELY event that something DOES go awry you're stuck there hopelessly in love and lost in your thoughts. You're angry with them for some reason, you don't know what to do and you don't want to let go.

God knows what the other side is doing. Are you being played? Well, you can't really say because you're too fucking stoned in love to think logically. Damn cupids!

Now here's the bottom line: One of you is obviously the quitter (none of you is equally stronger like the other - deal with it). Please, don't bullshit me with your denials. When you come back and read this one day you'll thank me. Just because you're keeping it under wraps doesn't mean it is exempted by the harsh realities a REAL relationship entails. On top of those problems you also have to deal with the other problems exclusive to the situation.

Now here's the totally idiotic part: You're gonna be depressed, distant and have the craving impulse to drink yourself stupid - and stuttering on about a "someone" that no one has ever heard of - except that nobody knows how or why you're acting that way. After all, no one's supposed to know.

Now I'm sure you guys are probably expecting some meaningful advice that I know you won't listen to until long after you've been disillusioned (i.e. you were played) from your dreamy stupidity that the other party has exploited without remorse then I'm really sorry. This post isn't about handing out advice at the moment. This is about reality. You've been warned.

Tuesday, January 06, 2009

I'm such a pervert

While the song sings "Maginoo pero medyo bastos" someone called me "Maginoo pero SOBRANG bastos!".

But still that hasn't stopped me from being appreciated by a good number of women. After all, who wants a boring goody two shoes guy anyway?

This event happened a long time ago but it is only now, just like everything else that gets through my dense skull, that I realized the amusing fact about me. I'm a pervert!

Forget the fact that I can be such a naughty flirt that I am unconsciously seducing every girl I get a chance to talk to.

I was dating someone that time and we hung out at the local mountain resort for some booze, music and talks.

"Gurl, how long have you been with your boyfriend?" one of my girl friends asked out loud.

"4 years."

"And you're still a virgin?" She continued and my other friend nodded.

"And you, Chad, how many of your exes are still virgins after you broke up?" she bluntly asked.

I could only manage a blank stare then a naughty smile. The polite thing I could have done was lie about it but my overly candid look and my impulse to be honest about anything relating to the jiggy was overwhelming. Mind you I was no kiss and tell but it was pointless since they can read it through me.

My date only stared with a cynical smile of and a certain glint in her eye that I can only presume to be a hint of disgust.

Let's just say there wasn't gonna be any nookie that night (depending on how she sees it).

Daym. Damn, girlfriends!

What others are yacking...