Monday, January 19, 2009

2008 Reflections

It has always been a post-year habit of mine to just sit in a quiet place and think about the events of the entire year. This, however, is my (second?) time to put it in my blog.

2008 was an interesting year for me. For the first time in my life I spent a year away from my family. I met new friends and found old ones. I fell in love again after a couple or so years of dry runs. I got a job with a pay that I can be proud of. Most of all, I mustered the courage to go to a place beyond my country on my own.

It was this excursion that made me reassess my perception about settling in another country. Hey, I was in love! Love makes us do things in leaps and bounds - even if they all seem pointless in the end. Productive and impressive as it may sound, the intentions may be outward hypocritical. It moves you to bend your own principles and distort your perception about ANYTHING.

After thinking over the possible reasons I narrowed it it down to simple excuses. I only need to justify three things before making an irreversible exodus. I need to prove that I was doing it:
1) for her.
2) for us.
3) for me.

First one was tricky. It demanded a lot of thought because, as what I have stated time and again, I'm a poor judge of character when it comes to finding a partner. Guilty yet again, I don't have ANY hint of reason to deny this. Even if I run the risk of living miserably in another country with someone who may only be pretending to be someone she's not, I'm too unfocused to think logically. I was in love and I am selflessly doing moronic things for her.

The second one was easier. Of course, if one were to do something for someone it won't mean anything if you face it and do it together. I was going to be thousands of miles away from home so I need to know that our companionship can and WILL work. Let me just assume (assuming is wrong though) that this is okay.

Lastly, the final reason. I wish I could say that there was anything in it for me; that I have anything to gain for doing this obviously unreasonable act. I don't. I guess all this time that I have always been doing things for someone else I usually forget about myself. Please, don't bullshit me with all that "you're so selfish" line (or that "you need to think about the other person". Bull-SHIT). I couldn't answer this reason. I have a good life here and I have to give it all up to start a new one for someone who cannot guarantee me anything and who would only emphasize an undeniable fact that this can never happen. Was I being manipulated? Before you all say that love is about taking risks and all that crap need I remind you that there also needs to be an established foundation for that drama. I have none of that. I stand with a lot to lose. It's like staking everything you have even when you already know the fateful outcome is your loss. This is more like those "I'll play with your feelings now until I find Mr. Right." or "I'm bored and you're available so you'll do." type of things. Yep, that's me. The perfect toy for the bored woman. I am a sucker for emotional punishment and any girl with misandric aspirations would have a field day with me.

So what's the verdict? I always thought that I would forever be stuck in this country and eventually die here. I guess maybe that's true coz right now I have NO REASON to leave. (the first two don't count)

Sins of the past

Due to my history of failed relationships my mom put my love life under a microscope. So it's only fair that every time I go into a relationship I give my girl the heads up of the world of scrutiny she will most likely encounter.

Not so long ago, after I told my girl about all this she replied with a sigh saying "why do I have to pay for your ex's wrongs?" I didn't think much of it that time. After all, who wouldn't react to something like that? It was any new boyfriend or girlfriend's job to prove that she is different. Damage control always comes with the territory.

After an encounter with a relationship that was full of manipulation for reasons I have connected in time I ended up asking the same question. "Why do I have to pay for a past relationship's mistakes?" It's really different when you're at the receiving end of the stick I tell you.

I just can't see the logic on exacting one's revenge on someone else. It just doesn't make any sense! I mean, even from where I stand I don't see any peace of mind in it. I can probably exact my revenge on every new woman I'll ever meet but that would never be enough to grant justice to the guilty. It's as if these people are trying to spread their love-stricken misery among the people who are happy. What's worse is that most of them actually find PLEASURE in it!

It was always a point that someone had to heal from a past relationship before moving on. Apparently some never do while most of the others use others for that fix. Oh, the song sounds too familiar. You get baited with promises of loyalty, sincerity and integrity and when you're sold out on the whole bullshit you get to be tormented the way they were - spreading the bitterness. We don't deserve to be treated like this!

I really pity the rebound guy and girl. As the title of the song "Love is a battlefield" states, it can only imply that most people fight the war and only a few of us are innocent bystanders victimized by the ravages of that war.

I find it really depressing that an emotion of love can actually manifest the opposite in an infectious way.

I wish there was something I could share to avoid this but hate - love's by-product - has pretty much spread this infectious disease on the populace. A drug that we so willingly accept...

but the addiction can never be broken.

Friday, January 09, 2009

The pitfalls of forbidden love

The obvious thing is that money laundering is a crime. There's this thing these high profile mob bosses do with their money where they deposit it in some sort of "trust" fund and leave their hard earned (or ripped off) cash to someone else. Pardon me if I'm not making any sense, I was always slow when it comes to accounting terms.

This concept is fine and dandy when you're trying to hide more money than you're capable of declaring to have, however, if the, proxy decides to make a run for it who are they gonna tell? They can't tell the cops because the money isn't SUPPOSED to exist! Those are the risks of hiding laundered money. If you succeed, it can be rewarding. If not, you get screwed big time.

Every once in a while, you might find yourself stuck in a predicament where your affections cannot be outwardly known for reasons you are either ashamed or afraid to disclose. This is totally understandable and complicated but whatever your reasons are, I assure you, you might as well be laundering money. At least there is a 50/50 guarantee of a reward.

In a forbidden love you don't deal with currency. You deal with emotions and you gamble with it too! More often than not, intellectual analysis is never part of the decision process but then again since when has love ever required a large amount of brain activity? (I know I don't) There are no banks here. The trustees (wow, I used a banking term!) are just the two of you and, depending on your abilities to keep secrets, a select few.

On both counts I have mentioned, it's risky business. You can't tell anyone, right? In the LIKELY event that something DOES go awry you're stuck there hopelessly in love and lost in your thoughts. You're angry with them for some reason, you don't know what to do and you don't want to let go.

God knows what the other side is doing. Are you being played? Well, you can't really say because you're too fucking stoned in love to think logically. Damn cupids!

Now here's the bottom line: One of you is obviously the quitter (none of you is equally stronger like the other - deal with it). Please, don't bullshit me with your denials. When you come back and read this one day you'll thank me. Just because you're keeping it under wraps doesn't mean it is exempted by the harsh realities a REAL relationship entails. On top of those problems you also have to deal with the other problems exclusive to the situation.

Now here's the totally idiotic part: You're gonna be depressed, distant and have the craving impulse to drink yourself stupid - and stuttering on about a "someone" that no one has ever heard of - except that nobody knows how or why you're acting that way. After all, no one's supposed to know.

Now I'm sure you guys are probably expecting some meaningful advice that I know you won't listen to until long after you've been disillusioned (i.e. you were played) from your dreamy stupidity that the other party has exploited without remorse then I'm really sorry. This post isn't about handing out advice at the moment. This is about reality. You've been warned.

Tuesday, January 06, 2009

I'm such a pervert

While the song sings "Maginoo pero medyo bastos" someone called me "Maginoo pero SOBRANG bastos!".

But still that hasn't stopped me from being appreciated by a good number of women. After all, who wants a boring goody two shoes guy anyway?

This event happened a long time ago but it is only now, just like everything else that gets through my dense skull, that I realized the amusing fact about me. I'm a pervert!

Forget the fact that I can be such a naughty flirt that I am unconsciously seducing every girl I get a chance to talk to.

I was dating someone that time and we hung out at the local mountain resort for some booze, music and talks.

"Gurl, how long have you been with your boyfriend?" one of my girl friends asked out loud.

"4 years."

"And you're still a virgin?" She continued and my other friend nodded.

"And you, Chad, how many of your exes are still virgins after you broke up?" she bluntly asked.

I could only manage a blank stare then a naughty smile. The polite thing I could have done was lie about it but my overly candid look and my impulse to be honest about anything relating to the jiggy was overwhelming. Mind you I was no kiss and tell but it was pointless since they can read it through me.

My date only stared with a cynical smile of and a certain glint in her eye that I can only presume to be a hint of disgust.

Let's just say there wasn't gonna be any nookie that night (depending on how she sees it).

Daym. Damn, girlfriends!

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