Monday, January 19, 2009

2008 Reflections

It has always been a post-year habit of mine to just sit in a quiet place and think about the events of the entire year. This, however, is my (second?) time to put it in my blog.

2008 was an interesting year for me. For the first time in my life I spent a year away from my family. I met new friends and found old ones. I fell in love again after a couple or so years of dry runs. I got a job with a pay that I can be proud of. Most of all, I mustered the courage to go to a place beyond my country on my own.

It was this excursion that made me reassess my perception about settling in another country. Hey, I was in love! Love makes us do things in leaps and bounds - even if they all seem pointless in the end. Productive and impressive as it may sound, the intentions may be outward hypocritical. It moves you to bend your own principles and distort your perception about ANYTHING.

After thinking over the possible reasons I narrowed it it down to simple excuses. I only need to justify three things before making an irreversible exodus. I need to prove that I was doing it:
1) for her.
2) for us.
3) for me.

First one was tricky. It demanded a lot of thought because, as what I have stated time and again, I'm a poor judge of character when it comes to finding a partner. Guilty yet again, I don't have ANY hint of reason to deny this. Even if I run the risk of living miserably in another country with someone who may only be pretending to be someone she's not, I'm too unfocused to think logically. I was in love and I am selflessly doing moronic things for her.

The second one was easier. Of course, if one were to do something for someone it won't mean anything if you face it and do it together. I was going to be thousands of miles away from home so I need to know that our companionship can and WILL work. Let me just assume (assuming is wrong though) that this is okay.

Lastly, the final reason. I wish I could say that there was anything in it for me; that I have anything to gain for doing this obviously unreasonable act. I don't. I guess all this time that I have always been doing things for someone else I usually forget about myself. Please, don't bullshit me with all that "you're so selfish" line (or that "you need to think about the other person". Bull-SHIT). I couldn't answer this reason. I have a good life here and I have to give it all up to start a new one for someone who cannot guarantee me anything and who would only emphasize an undeniable fact that this can never happen. Was I being manipulated? Before you all say that love is about taking risks and all that crap need I remind you that there also needs to be an established foundation for that drama. I have none of that. I stand with a lot to lose. It's like staking everything you have even when you already know the fateful outcome is your loss. This is more like those "I'll play with your feelings now until I find Mr. Right." or "I'm bored and you're available so you'll do." type of things. Yep, that's me. The perfect toy for the bored woman. I am a sucker for emotional punishment and any girl with misandric aspirations would have a field day with me.

So what's the verdict? I always thought that I would forever be stuck in this country and eventually die here. I guess maybe that's true coz right now I have NO REASON to leave. (the first two don't count)

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