Wednesday, April 29, 2009

52 things I would love to say out loud at work

I got this list from a friend of mine. I thought to myself if I would've been more popular if I used these lines back at my company in Cebu. ;) It would even be more tempting saying these in the face of the moronic broke white boy puppets running the company.

52 things I would love to say out loud at work

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of sh*t.

2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

3. How about never? Is never good for you?

4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.

6. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?

7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.

10. Ahhhh. I see the f ***-up fairy has visited us again.

11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.

12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a sh*t.

14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

18. Any resemblance between your reality and mine are purely coincidental.

19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks?!

20.. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

23. And your cry-baby whiny-arsed opinion would be?

24. Do I look like a f****** people person to you?

25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

26. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.

27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

30. Whatever kind of look you were aiming for, you missed.

31. Oh I get it. Like humour, but different.........

32. An office is just a mental institute without the padded walls.

33. Can I swap this job for what's behind door .........1?

34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

35. Nice perfume (or aftershave). Must you marinate in it?

36. Chaos, panic, and disorder. My work here is done.

37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

38. I thought I wanted a career; it turns out I just needed the money.

39. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being more intelligent.

40. Wait a minute - I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

41. Aren't you a black hole of need.

42. I'd like to help you out, which way did you come in?

43. Did you eat an extra bowl of stupid this morning?

44. Why don't you slip into something more comfortable? Like a coma.

45. If you have something to say raise your hand.........then place it over your mouth.

46. I'm too busy, can I ignore you some other time?

47. Don't let your mind wander, its too small to be let out on its own.

48. Have a nice day, somewhere else.

49. You're not yourself today, I noticed the improvement straight away.

50. You are as pretty as a picture, I'd really like to hang you.

51. Don't believe everything you think.

52. Do you hear that? That's the sound of no-one caring.

Monday, April 27, 2009

The Love That Wasn't

Last year was a very... "trying" kind of year. (For lack of a better word)

You see, I've been single for a reasonable period now. It's not that it bothers me anymore but there was this brief instance last year that I was really up for it. I was really going to go loco once again. HOWEVER, (and you thought this was going to be a happy ending, ey?) something else happened that made that desire an epehemeral fantasy. (Don't ask!) A blatant act of compulsive stupidity! For the life of me that experience pushed that thought so far up my ass that I'm not sure if I'm gonna puke it out just to get that urge again or wait til the thought of it comes out as a SHITTY idea.

Oh well, that was me: A hungry dog chasing and jumping after every morsel of meat being waved at me except that my tormentor had no intention of letting me have it. She was gonna wait til I starved to death and then laugh hysterically at how wretched an animal I was. Consequently, the dog died just as she wanted. She's laughing now.

It doesn't surprise me that the good Lord has forbidden me from accumulating wealth as I am quite "accident prone" when it comes to women. My current savings pervents me from chasing them around the world for whatever bout of insanity that has come over me. It prevents me from showering them with any type of item that glitters and costs somewhere around the a year's salary and the price of my soul. What for? She's gonna make a run for it anyway! With that being said, I'm glad for whatever trace of sanity I hav left, it has left me to reason that I have not relinquished my entire savings to her and eventually starve to death naked.

Currently, my trauma - both personal and external - has left me disgusted at the thought of it. I am on a dry spell right now. Browsing Facebook or Friendster only frustrates me and my sex drive is next to nil. This "sexual depression" has somewhat gotten hold of me. Oh, well, at least I know I wouldn't be doing anything crazy for the months to come. O_o (not to mention on last Sunday's Car Show I was able to take pictures of female models unperturbed)

I cannot justify or quantify the reasons for a relationship when everyone else around me either advises me against it or shuns me away from it. Besides, I'm in that stage again that I am in complete utter bitterness at seeing anything resembling the opposite sex or relationships with them as a whole.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Most hurtful things a girl ever said to me

Arranged from less hurtful to downright heartless.

3) I love you. 
The woman who told me this wasn't exactly my girlfriend but when she told me this she also says she treats a boyfriend differently. She goes on to say she is different in loving her boyfriends. Ok, so the logic here is simple: If you treat your REAL boyfriends differently than me then you REALLY don't love me because the people you loved are treated differently than me, right? This is similar to speaking softly but carrying a big stick or building a house but prioritizing the back door so you can get out quick (Yes, I know that sentence sounds stupid! Go figure!). A professed love spoken in insincerity can be very hurtful.So goes the saying: "If you believed in his/her 'I love you', why are you still single?'"

2.) "I'm sorry, Chad. I have analyzed my situation a hundred times over but I just don't have room in it for you."
I can't blame her. I admit I also felt this way in the past. Relationships eventually become dead weight. It hurts but I understood the practicality of her decision. It just wasn't our time anymore. From what little I know about women they usually have this "self-inflicted psychological trauma" that they have to go through from time to time.

1.) "If you love me you wouldn't let me ride a jeep. We should always take a taxi."
Now I know this sounds harmless or weird to most of you but this was one line that really slapped me back to the reality on the superficiality of my girlfriend. To someone like me who was dating on a budget it was a huge blow. I was a college student with a pitiful allowance. Do the math. By the time we'd be watching a movie half of my allowance would be lost on transportation. It was simple when it all started. Suddenly she wouldn't go out with me if I didn't bring a car along or let her ride some form of public transportation unless there was only 3 of us in it (driver included). Now we know how to take a hint, right? She didn't like me and was simply using me for her convenience.

Note: In no way am I pertaining to just one relationship here. I can't be that unlucky to be stuck with some gold digging, sadistic and heartless bitch! 

Sunday, April 12, 2009

Myths About Me

I know that I am a very sardonic, sarcastic and bitter person. But in spite of my disturbing behavior that borders just around a personality disorder and can only be described as maniacal and troubled I cannot help but notice that this has brought me in a mixed light. So here are the common things people see in me:

* I am a good friend because I am always there when they need me. Actually, I'm always here because I have a minimalistic social life and I'm usually bored. I've got nothing better to do but harass mentally retarded clairvoyants who claim they can guess the size of Jesus' genitals by watching kiddie porn.

* I'm a gentleman because nothing happened when we slept together. Quite frankly, I'm simply just NOT interested.

* I'm tactless. Truth be told, only tactless people notice that. It has been my observation that people who like to take potshots usually have no internal sense of humor. In other words, people who like to make fun of others usually can't take it if they are the victims of their own devices. If you don't have a sense of humor about things being thrown at you then you better grow up! Stop whining about being harassed if you take pleasure in doing it yourself!

* I'm gay. It is no surprise to all of us that most women are SORE LOSERS. For this reason, it is rare that I see women participate in team sports or sports that require an opponent as most cannot accept defeat. With that in mind, just because I won't back down from an argument doesn't quantify the logic that I'm a fag. Be a good sport, ladies. You can't win 'em all. Don't run to your defense mechanism.

* I'm always smiling. I only smile in front of everyone. I have an image to uphold. I can't afford to show weakness as my friends look to me for strength and hope. ;)

* Nothing gets me down. Ok so this is the only thing true about me. Sure I get knocked down from time to time but I always get up. 

Wednesday, April 08, 2009

Weirdest things I've seen

Throughout my life I have seen some pretty weird and disturbing things. I will continuously add to this from time to time.

* It was late night and we saw this old woman walking by the sidewalk. Her eyes were blank and she was walking aimlessly right for the intersection causing a lot of panic to yielded traffic. Sleepwalking?

* I once knew this woman who had a perfectly normal pregnancy but she opted to have a c-section because she didn't want anything to happen to her genital. There was absolutely nothing wrong with her or her baby. Probably acting on some old wives' tales?

* While riding an elevator, this one woman, after talking for a brief moment with her companions, suddenly and mindlessly walked toward the closed elevator doors and bumped her head. She had no recollection for that span of time of what had happened.

* Saw a crazy kid piss in front of this well-known school highschool for girls. He wasn't just pissing on the wall he was pissing in front of the sidewalk facing the school in front of girls from all ages. ;)

... more to come

Friday, April 03, 2009

The Hitman: Target #104 (Part 1)

Draft started: 01/19/09

The bright city lights glowed a sinister glow in his studio apartment that consisted mostly of glass windows. He usually keeps the lights off in his unit to keep himself unseen. There was nothing except the faint glow of the lamps placed by the sides of his sofa. Silence. He is far too empty in himself to really appreciate how well taken cared of he is by his employer. Leather sofas, a 70" Full HD LCD TV, a king size bed and a bathroom that you can throw a club party in. The view from his room was enough to make any man feel like a god. That's right, this was a place fit for a king, a president or some corrupt government official. He didn't care. He can't really see the beauty of it all. Once you've tasted blood spilt by your own hand the world looks literally... dilapidated.

His Glock G39 subcompact - silencer in place - set neatly atop his polished wooden desk beside a carefully arranged row of gun accessories, ammunition, and a dossier folder. His next target. Fresh meat. Although he discretely preferred the weapon for its "safe action" or trigger safety feature, he found that he never needed it. It was somewhat a personal fail-safe for him should he change his mind about his heinous acts on a fellow human being. It never did him any good though. In fact, it never even did him any good five years ago. Then again, a split second lock could do a world of wonders should his equally indifferent boss come to his senses. Sadly, no such decision was ever made. He didn't even bother upgrading the mag capacity. He was very efficient in his job.

"It's a ladies' gun, pare!" his peers would often tease. To him, the size was for practicality rather than form. You don't earn pogi points for showing off a big-ass gun used for blowing someone's brains out because your employer didn't like the way your victim pisses. Most of the time you'd just scare people away, women in particular, if you carry anything resembling a gun - yes, even your dick! The gun is just the perfect blend of power and concealability - very reliable. It was registered, of course, so he can pass off on security checks but he carried a different barrel in the gun itself on every assignment. It was illegal to do this, obviously, but it was his boss who provides the bogus barrels.

It had been five years since the judgment he passed on to her - the end of her at the end of his barrel. The number still rings in his head like some sappy boy band song whose tune you can't seem to get the fuck out of your head. With one smooth motion on his lips he whispers her target number to himself. "103". A number that holds significance only to himself.

It is said that you never lose your soul until you take another one's life. Although dozens of lives have fallen by his hand he never really lost his soul until he lost her. That's what he tells himself but who was he kidding?

His next target. A politician. A woman. A local government official who's currently vacationing in Hong-Kong. Perfect. Plus the info he just read that this married woman is fond of using men. She's probably in Hong-Kong tasting the exotic Asian chorizos. A long distance kill for a local political rivalry. This was easier than getting her here. Fewer questions and another country would take the blame.

Target #104. It is time.

Thursday, April 02, 2009

Divine Attraction

It was supposed to be a face of an occasional visitor. This was different. A face from a distant past. The years that passed were unkind to her and the marks of age showed. He saw nothing of it. To him she was as young and radiant as the first time he saw her many years ago. She was frozen in time - forever immortal.

He pursued her this time. A chance he never had before but it soon became clear that it was too late. It was strange, really. The whole time all he ever wanted was for her to let him into her world. Sadly, as all tragic love stories go, this was not the case. She was too distant.

When he first met her she was a goddess. A distant star that seemed always out of reach. A wild horse that could never be tamed. From then on, she existed only in his dreams. It became clear now that this will be as near as he'll ever get to her. He was an unworthy subject far down the world beyond her realm. He didn't deserve her. Their distant worlds made it impossible for their eyes to see their ways. Their paths were never meant to cross - in a perfect world or otherwise. She could never love him. She never loved him. That was the devastating truth. For why would the divine love a man? He was nothing.

Now, whoever she was... Whoever that soul he knew from the past... was long dead. She died somewhere in the world that collapsed on her and whatever or whoever this person is who stood in front of him was nothing more than a tangled mess of emotions corrupted by regret and resentment. He was just too late. Now he will forever bear and pay the price for that punishment. Gods have too much pride to admit their flaws if it even existed. But it was her pride that was her own undoing.

With that realization, the future is now uncertain for him. She may have taken a small moment of his life but she has taken a large chunk of his heart with her. This empty void was now useless to him. Yes, she was different. Different because he held on to those memories of her all these years - wondering and waiting. This was the woman who was the enigma of his past that unraveled him from his childish ways. Now that she passed him by with his heart in tow his next steps felt meaningless. It was a void too wide to fill even for a mere mortal woman. For the first time in his life he feared his future - the fate of his emotions. It may be too soon to say now but from how he sees it, no one would suffice. He knows that it doesn't matter who is going to be in his arms. They would feel like sand through his fingers. When he will be beside them he would find himself looking distantly - absently - for her wishing that somewhere he was with her. The only treasure worth having. The only adventure worth experiencing. Good or bad he would stupidly and naively squander his life away for her.

He would feel empty - incomplete without her. Once you've tasted perfection; once you've seen perfection; once you've felt perfection, you run out of sensible comparisons.

Wednesday, April 01, 2009

Be wary of this pussy tattoo

There was this one time I had a chat with my best friend when he started bringing up girls he wanted to introduce me to.

"Dude, whoever your girls are I don't want them". I said.

"The bitch probably has some tattoo somewhere saying 'Ervin was here'".

Ervin wryly replied, "That's okay. It could be worse. You could have undressed her and saw a tattoo reading 'My name is Ervin'".

Good point, Ervin.

Types of ILOVEYOUs

What are the types of "I LOVE YOUs"? Well, in my lifetime I have heard different tones from different mouths. Believe me, just because a person says they love you or that they show you that they do it is a far cry from the meaning if they are not said from the heart with utmost sincerity.


The rarely heard and difficult to say version. This is the version from people who are afraid to commit. I know some people don't say it a lot but there's a difference here. These people respond to your "I love you" while the ones I'm talking about have a hard time saying it. I hate to be the bearer of reality (yet again) but the reason why they can't express their love vocally is because it bothers them to say it. They usually compensate the lapse by hiding it in "affectionate" acts and defensively say "do my actions speak for themselves?". No, they don't and, mind you, this can easily be faked or interpreted differently in the guise of other intentions. This is their defense mechanism. They believe that avoiding the vocal expression absolves them of the guilt but lying is lying no matter how much you hide it. Remember, saying you love someone and acting them out must go in tandem. Any person who is incapable of doing both is troubled - deeply.

This is the I love you made in the sweetest tone. It literally warms the blood and increases the hormones (and all the stirring in the pants). Be wary of partners who use these tones. Some of them are fond of saying it but can reverse it in an instant. Trust me, I've known partners who are soooooo good in these words that I could have sworn they would have taken a bullet for me. On the other hand, if I screw up in the slightest they don't hesitate to take it all away in a blink of an eye. These are very poisonous. These people have your feelings as their hostages. These types of people are manipulative, mean, cons and fakes. Let's not forget that these people will be the first to jump ship at the first sign of trouble with you or in the relationship. This is the other half of I LOVE YOU #1. All talk and no walk. These are the quitters in your life. Start running - fast!

The Unconditional I Love You. For some of you who were lucky enough to hear this, it is the unflinching version of the phrase. It doesn't change. It doesn't fade. It doesn't disappear. Come hell or high water your partner will stick to you and their perception of you will never change. However, nobody's perfect. Some people in this category fall in abusive, neediness and stalker status. If you're the the type who can go into that type of thing there's a difference between just the right one and too much. Remember, too much love can kill you.

In this day and age we have to invest our time and, most of all, our trust in the right people to be our partners in life. This applies to all types of relationships! To survive in this world you need to go with fighters and not quitters. The road to foolproof relationships is not set in stone. Everyone falls while only a few survive. The rest have to pick up the pieces and decide whether the trip is still worth it or just quit and cut your losses. Ditto.

What others are yacking...