Tuesday, May 12, 2009

My Fantasy Interview

I kinda missed my hometown lately so I wondered to myself, what job could I possibly find back in Cebu that would satisfy me. To my frustration, only one name stood out repeatedly in the list of job openings (Funny, as if they could afford the manpower!).

This is how I'd imagine the interview going in my head:

Interviewers (hypocritical smiles): Welcome back, Chad. Uhm, how much is your asking price if we should consider you?

Chad: I'm leaning towards 50,000 pesos NET. I don't care how much you're going to put on top of that but I that SHOULD be my net pay.

Interviewers (awkwardly snickering in shock): Uhm, is this salary negotiable? Like maybe... lower?

Chad: That's my lowest if you feel that I am worth much more I'm all ears. *grinning*

Interviewers (managing a hypocritical but irate smile): Any specific reason why you are asking this much?

Chad: Well, I heard you pay certain incapable people for much more so I think I'm not asking "too much". *smirking* Don't worry, I was paid more but I've lowered it to match the cost of living in Cebu.

Interviewers (obviously Tagalog): You do realize that the cost of living is far lower here in Cebu than Manila, right?

Chad (now offended by the remark): Please, with all due respect, don't talk to me as if I wasn't born and raised here. I've lived here for 29yrs. Save for my rent, a McDonald's costs just as much as it does here, a KFC costs just as much and a tapsilog costs 50 pesos. There is absolutely NO DIFFERENCE in the cost of living here and in Manila. So if you want to bullshit someone, bullshit someone who doesn't have the homecourt advantage.

Interviewers: I can see you worked for our competitor after working with us. Did you know that you signed an agreement not to work for our competitor after working here?

Chad: Well, yes, but I figured if your company was unable to exhibit a sense of ethics I don't see any reason why I should uphold my end of the bargain. Besides, you guys can't afford a lawyer to go after me.

Interviewers: Is that so, sir?

Chad: Well, unless you can find a lawyer whose fees cost just the same as the rags in your office supplies. Last time I checked you couldn't afford that one either.

Interviewers (smirking): It appears you have quite a "record" here in our company. I believe you received a couple of disciplinary actions in the past. That is going still going to stay when you come back.

Chad: You're seeing it all wrong, Sir and Ma'am. Your company has quite a record amongst your own employees. I wouldn't call them disciplinary actions but rather "reward" for my hard work and, of course, incentive for refusing to sleep with my manager and letting her pet suck my balls. So this is in your favor that I still see this company in a positive light.

Interviewers (disgusted): Sir, I think you better leave. I don't see why you bothered to apply for this job if this is you're bringing this conversation.

Chad (standing up and leaving): Honestly, I had no intention to apply for this job. I just wanted to prove to myself that you guys can really be bullshitted by my no far superior credentials than when I left and you did. You are also under the impression that you can bring me in for the same asking price, which I know you secretly expect. I hate freeloaders! I didn't amass this much knowledge just so you can cash in with as little investment as you can that others have offered.

Interviewers (whispering): Do you think we should call security.

Chad (peering back in): Guys, if I wanted to do something I would have done it a long time ago and succeeded. Believe me. *winking*

Friday, May 08, 2009

Answering the "What Ifs"

I get a lot of comments that I look too young for my age but I would like to state beforehand that I am not saying this in a gloating tone. No, sir.

It has come to my personal annoyance that this has gone on for so long that I am not at all flattered by the fact that no one takes me seriously because I "look young" or the fact that my first name sounds like I am a fucking Muslim terrorist! Mind you that I can land on you like a ton of bricks if you so much as underestimate me in a belittling tone. Well, as all things human would go, it has already been a calculated prediction that how consistently moronic and inconsistently idiotic my post may seem that anyone would bother to take me seriously anyway. Hell, I don't take myself too seriously either!

There are no "fountain of youth" secrets here. I drink, I smoke, I sleep late, I masturbate more than I care to think about and I border on depression and emotionless states. No, these are not the things that keep anyone from looking young and yet I stay that way anyway. Why?

Frankly, I have no idea! I've seen people around me age faster and some, of course, are just like me so no gloating here that I'm the only one blessed with this genetic advantage. I do have one theory though: Experiences.

Those people who look older have gone through so much as opposed to what little I have been through. Is experience the catalyst for rapid aging? I can only speculate about it but the connection seems all too common.

I am a child to the world and I guess I'll forever stay that way. I guess it's because I always play on the safe and comfort zones. Never taking risks and regretting the opportunities that were denied to me. It is only recently that I have started taking on the "what ifs" in my life. I stopped playing safe. I decided to take plunges and leaps of faith. I realized that I am the type who doesn't believe in life after death. This is the only life I've got so I might as well make the most of it. Sure, I know that some risks consequently knock me down in a demeaning or hurtful state but why stay down?

Hey, it was only last week that I was down on my emotions over someone and something that had no obvious direction. Yet, I woke up last Monday feeling somewhat refreshed - rejuvenated - as if I've been incubating in a cocoon. It's really, really strange. I was smiling. I was... HAPPY! I guess it was because I realized that this person was weighing me down trying to keep me in need and making sure that I would always be miserable so I had nowhere else to run. Yet here I am. Smiling. Cheerful. Free. (No, guys, it's not a girlfriend! I've been single for over a year now.) The feeling of doubt in my past was set free. I was moving forward - regardless of the unknown. A "what if" was answered. In fact, a lot of what ifs in this past year were answered. Last year was... tumultuous and yet... satisfyingly interesting. At least I got a new hobby out of it! Plus the fact that I made my family happy and proud. ;)

To top it all off I received this inspiring text message from a friend saying this: "When you have found the reason to walk away, never look back. Just keep on walking, even if the destination is unclear. It will take a lot of courage for every step you make, but it will save some pride and honor for yourself. It's better to get lost moving on thant being stranded and broken after all."

One week and I'm better? God, I love bein' a man! God, next time make it an hour! :)

Saturday, May 02, 2009

My Oath To You, Ms. Right

Ms. Right,

I may not have met you nor do I know you yet but I do know that one day when I meet you or when you find this blog this will be my oath to you:
  • I know that there may be things you might keep from me and I respect that but I also hope you can do the same about me. I promise that I will try to share everything I can about me.
  • We may have our fights. I might say things that can hurt you and you might also do the same. I promise you, by the end of the day, I will still be here. I will still be with you. I will not leave you. I will not love you any less. I hope you will be strong enough to do the same.
  • I may not always understand you and you may not always understand me. This will be the cause of our conflicts. If this happens, remember the point above. Please do not mistake our shortcomings as weakness but opportunities to learn to make us stronger together.
  • I get jealous but I'm not smothering. I promise you that I will not ask you to change your life or who you are just for me. I accept you for what you are and who you are. If at all, I would wish that you never change.
  • The world is a daunting place and I'd imagine you'd have no problems facing it. I promise you that no matter what the world throws at us, I will be by your side facing the world with you. Never be ashamed or too proud to come to me.
  • I'm not supposed to spoil you but I promise you that I will try to give you everything you need.
  • I know you are not perfect and neither am I. I promise you that I won't demand you to be 100% perfect. Instead, I'm going to be that missing piece of you that will make you and us perfect.
  • Lastly, I know I may not uphold all of these things I said, but please help me remember them.
  • Most of all, if I am willing to grow old with you and I hope that I will never have to disappoint you or break your heart.

These things I offer you and these things I can promise you.

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