Tuesday, May 12, 2009

My Fantasy Interview

I kinda missed my hometown lately so I wondered to myself, what job could I possibly find back in Cebu that would satisfy me. To my frustration, only one name stood out repeatedly in the list of job openings (Funny, as if they could afford the manpower!).

This is how I'd imagine the interview going in my head:

Interviewers (hypocritical smiles): Welcome back, Chad. Uhm, how much is your asking price if we should consider you?

Chad: I'm leaning towards 50,000 pesos NET. I don't care how much you're going to put on top of that but I that SHOULD be my net pay.

Interviewers (awkwardly snickering in shock): Uhm, is this salary negotiable? Like maybe... lower?

Chad: That's my lowest if you feel that I am worth much more I'm all ears. *grinning*

Interviewers (managing a hypocritical but irate smile): Any specific reason why you are asking this much?

Chad: Well, I heard you pay certain incapable people for much more so I think I'm not asking "too much". *smirking* Don't worry, I was paid more but I've lowered it to match the cost of living in Cebu.

Interviewers (obviously Tagalog): You do realize that the cost of living is far lower here in Cebu than Manila, right?

Chad (now offended by the remark): Please, with all due respect, don't talk to me as if I wasn't born and raised here. I've lived here for 29yrs. Save for my rent, a McDonald's costs just as much as it does here, a KFC costs just as much and a tapsilog costs 50 pesos. There is absolutely NO DIFFERENCE in the cost of living here and in Manila. So if you want to bullshit someone, bullshit someone who doesn't have the homecourt advantage.

Interviewers: I can see you worked for our competitor after working with us. Did you know that you signed an agreement not to work for our competitor after working here?

Chad: Well, yes, but I figured if your company was unable to exhibit a sense of ethics I don't see any reason why I should uphold my end of the bargain. Besides, you guys can't afford a lawyer to go after me.

Interviewers: Is that so, sir?

Chad: Well, unless you can find a lawyer whose fees cost just the same as the rags in your office supplies. Last time I checked you couldn't afford that one either.

Interviewers (smirking): It appears you have quite a "record" here in our company. I believe you received a couple of disciplinary actions in the past. That is going still going to stay when you come back.

Chad: You're seeing it all wrong, Sir and Ma'am. Your company has quite a record amongst your own employees. I wouldn't call them disciplinary actions but rather "reward" for my hard work and, of course, incentive for refusing to sleep with my manager and letting her pet suck my balls. So this is in your favor that I still see this company in a positive light.

Interviewers (disgusted): Sir, I think you better leave. I don't see why you bothered to apply for this job if this is you're bringing this conversation.

Chad (standing up and leaving): Honestly, I had no intention to apply for this job. I just wanted to prove to myself that you guys can really be bullshitted by my no far superior credentials than when I left and you did. You are also under the impression that you can bring me in for the same asking price, which I know you secretly expect. I hate freeloaders! I didn't amass this much knowledge just so you can cash in with as little investment as you can that others have offered.

Interviewers (whispering): Do you think we should call security.

Chad (peering back in): Guys, if I wanted to do something I would have done it a long time ago and succeeded. Believe me. *winking*

No comments:

What others are yacking...