Wednesday, October 06, 2010

The Myth of Give & Take

How long has it been? More than two years maybe of giving relationship advice and right now I'm going to throw it all away. If you haven't done so already you can have those crappy advice printed out and use them as toilet paper. Before continuing please DO take note that I am NOT QUALIFIED to do this and I have no professional background on the subject matter. Furthermore, I don't have a wall filled with expensive certificates paid via college loans that will likely never pay off. :p

Rejoice, my readers, not only does this enlighten you to some misleading extent but I am about to save you a few thousand pesos! How can I do that? Simple, I'm going to tell you that the rules to finding the right ONE is not set in stone. Sure, we can have those experts and specialists printing volumes and volumes on the subject but - guess what - relationships still fail! Writers and their books do not account to the limitless "human factor" in any science that deals with people and that's what makes analysis and conclusion on the subject moot. So save your trips to the book store looking for books about love (unless it's about sex) because they do not necessarily apply to you. In fact, they RARELY apply to you. You might scan a few pages and say "that's true" or "we're like this" but if you view it with the forces that shape your relationship you'll realize that it's NOT TRUE and it's INCORRECT.

Give & Take. This is actually a one way street, sad to say. If there's one thing I do agree is that relationships are NEVER equal. There will be givers and there will be takers. And what makes this formula so perfect is the fact that they still add up to the 100% theory in a relationship. This is the reasoning behind why our partners are supposed to complete us no matter how unbalanced and imperfect our human factors are.

Control. The giver must control the taker. I shit you not when I say it's easy to lose sight of your limits. It's easy to give in; It's harder to say "no" and before you know it you're on your knees with nothing. Yes, you're getting nothing back. Live with it! The taker usually never realizes this. However, the giver suffers the most because he/she feels the impact of everything. Ideally, there's the occasional reciprocation and the balance stays in equilibrium. The nightmare would be all out exploitation tipping the scales against one of you! When this happens no matter how much you give, it will NEVER BE ENOUGH.

As a giver, knowing how to do this without looking and sounding utterly selfish is a technique that completely escapes me. As soon as you introduce control it also introduces doubt on the other. But the depressing fact is that those doubts are speculative. You're just trying to set limits or you both go under.

Why does the scenario of exploitation happen? Frankly, in my observation, it's a lot of things. It could be an immature relationship; It could be varying professional or even family backgrounds. As I have emphasized earlier, there is no tried and tested way to a good relationship. There are practically billions of people on the planet and that leaves you with billions of combinations to anticipate and analyze (you want to get started?).

There is no right way to answer the "how" in a relationship. God, I've been in relationships since college and I still don't know the "how" part! And this is coming from someone who has no knowledge of women! My counterparts who DID have knowledge or experience in women are not faring any better either so this proves my point.

The world as we know it is governed by the law of checks and balances. It could be in a smaller or grander scale but, nonetheless, it keeps its balance no matter what. It could be you and your partner or it could be you and your partner against something else and so on.

So let's put this all in to a more generic solution and formulate your own custom-made solution based on that relationship. Whos, whats, hows and whens are YOUR problems not mine. But be warned that it can NEVER apply to the next relationship or the one after that either. Treat everything as one of a kind because IT TRULY IS. If you make mistakes along the way, let it be. As long as you live you are allowed an unlimited number of mistakes to make.

In general terms, a "relationship" is a partnership of some kind and an agreement on something is made. Never go into it without a full understanding of the risks involved (only the risks because the rest is what you're after). The most common mistake that even I make is to talk about "what to expect" in this union. I seldom see or hear people saying "what they can offer" in a relationship. I know what you're thinking: Awkward. Awkward. I sound like a blowhard. You're actually right but I really don't care. Might as well point out your goals for focus and at least you don't mislead your partner by letting them do the guesswork and make erroneous assumptions that lead to disappointment.

Finally, sacrifices and compromises have to be made for the duration of your union not BEFORE. After all, it's about taking risks to see what works and what doesn't. Challenge the unknown. But what if things can't be ironed out? Again, from what I have personally learned, some failures are caused by refusals to make a common agreement. I humbly admit I make this mistake too. Ironically, there is no fix for this. Men and women weren't designed the same way, otherwise, there would be no need to make both. (Inserting rhetoric question/conundrum here)

There are just some things in men and women's minds that each of us cannot fathom from the other. One of life's greatest mysteries. ;)

Never be afraid to start over. As long as you breathe you will always have 2nd chances but be warned: Give & Take is mostly a one way street. But don't change who you are just because taking is so much easier and better.

Note: Wow! Did I just say that?! I usually don't believe in second chances. ;p

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