Friday, April 29, 2011

Things I learned from the corporate life

Strange, I thought published this a while ago. Oh, well, the fun thing about blogging is that it is under MY time and MY terms. No deadlines to catch. No people to please. That's kind of the opposite of what I have experienced in the corporate life which I am describing below.

Let's not deny the reality that we are all part of the rat race while the rest of the privileged ones get to rake in the big bucks.

Cronyism is NOT a crime

First and foremost, while Marcos and all presidents past, present and future - regardless of nation and economic status - will ALWAYS have cronies. There is a reason why most presidential government systems are patterned after corporations, but, unlike corporations, cronyism is a punishable crime to some extent. Most of the time, the parties involved can only get away with it to some extent. Corporations, however, do not punish this type of practice and it usually falls on deaf ears and most of the time if you're bitching about it it falls under the category of "speculative" observation.

More than once have I experienced the sad fact that the longer and larger the company is the more likely you'd encounter people up top with an IQ no bigger than a Lindt chocolate bar (and they cost just as much too for that unsatisfying taste). I wonder how many cocks these guys must have blown to get to where they are.

Meritocracy is a myth

We've seen the slogan before: "Company A is an equal opportunity company. We do not discriminate... bla bla bla..." It kind of makes me wonder why the typeface used by these slogans are so small you need the Hubble space telescope to get a closer look. It's kind of like those items you see on sale at a local retail store: "70% off" while to the untrained eye you could barely see the smaller letter beneath it reading "on selected items only". There's a pattern there too! Smaller companies have that disclosure in equally big letters. The bigger the company the smaller those letters become. *wink* *wink*

Let's face it: Companies, hate you. They hate blacks; They hate whites; Christians; Muslims; Fags; Men; Women and long walks along the park. The sooner you deal with it the more likely you can come to grips with the fact that the company that EQUALLY provided you with a job has EQUALLY decided that you should be let go (amongst the blacks, whites and fags) because they can't afford their employee that they LOVE so much.

Process, Processes, Processing

Whichever way you look at it there's always some pompous windbag, asshole, bitch and fuck-up trying to show off his dick waving and piss shooting abilities. I swear to God, sometimes I wonder if we were put to work so we can show off who's the biggest dickhead.

There's always some process that needs to be done, improved, retrofitted, and eventually forgotten because we end up wondering why we need a hall pass to take a dump. The next week or the next month someone else screws up the first guy's process and proposes a better one and thereby, either revoking the previous retard's work or fucking it up even more by adding to it. You'd think that it would be over and done with when the rest of the year everyone else wants a piece of the action. Everyone gets an award or a promotion and the rest of us who don't give a shit will be screwed over by a multiplier equal to the number of people who stuck their dicks where it don't belong. Everyone wants to prove something and that something is how much of the company you can screw over before moving on. I recommend they don't put that in their resume. It would just be plain wrong to say you screwed up your last employer or was an accessory to it.

Case in point, when I started working for a company, processes were simple and we get things done faster. As I stayed, to have your work approved you need to do some long line of tedious "processes" that have to be accomplished with great scrutiny akin to that of tax collector. It has to be filled out, reviewed, returned because you forgot a decimal point, resubmitted, reviewed again, reviewed by another person higher up, returned for god-knows-whatever-reason, repeat the process until they are satisfied you have NOT met the deadline. It is only then that you realize that you forgot to add something to what you've already accomplished. Believe me, you'd have more luck getting your taxes done in a single day than you ever will in a week doing the above chores.

This is high school and showbiz combined.

Remember the good old days when you used to ask for your parents' permission to go somewhere? Same goes with your job. You need permission to NOT WORK. You need permission TO WORK. Fuck! You even need permission to think! Yet they blame us for not thinking out of the box.

Just like high school, almost everyone is scrutinizing the way you walk, who you're seeing, how many wives you have and who they are, what you're wearing and potentially how big (or small) your dick is. Hell, they're even discussing how much the company is possibly paying you.

Also just like high school is the fact that you have to prove yourself exceptionally well before you are counted as "in" the gang.

Colonial Mentality reigns supreme!

I only have one rule when it comes to outsourcing and dealing with westerners. Call me when I am awake; not when you're awake. After all, they are the ones requiring help.

Unfortunately, my brain-dead colleagues feel they have to do the extra work because they have to impress an American.

Firstly, there is a reason why our joke of a Philippine Constitution is pro-oligarch. It is to make sure the white boy whose ass you are kissing right now NEVER gets to call the shots. That being said, no matter how many Americans, Brits, Australians, Sweds or French walk around in your office, NONE OF THEM are you bosses. That's the sad reality.

Lastly, the US and Europe are broke. Why the hell are you still sucking up to them? They are providing jobs for you because they are DESPERATE not because they think we Filipinos are better at doing things. Believe me, it wouldn't take a second to pull their asses out if the going was good. Foreign employers are fair weathered friends. They would ditch us in a second and they would feel bad like an American would feel bad about putting his dog to sleep. They'll get over it.

We should learn to do things on our own and provide a true reason for their dependency and not just out of desperation.

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