Monday, May 21, 2012

Love Undecided

Eight years.

That's how long it has been since I really went head over heels for a woman. Eight years since I've had a real erection with a generous amount of semen. 

It's kind of ironic how I spent the early part of my years thinking about the hows, whats and whens of all things coupledom potentially had to offer. But, you know what, those dreams are half-cocked while multiplying it with a factor of two.

I've often said that the most meaningful things you learn in a relationship are not only limited to the times when you're together but the times when you're alone and single. I've come to realize and appreciate the strong points of bachelorhood. Surprisingly and amusingly, this is working out a little TOO WELL. In fact, it is working out too well that I have forgotten or, for the most part, forgotten HOW to be in a relationship. Suffice it to say I have no idea what to do in one and the thought of it scares me to death.

For these past couple of years, I found it at least uninteresting to pursue a relationship. (Either that or I'm turning gay). Why this sudden change in paradigm? Well, for starters I have come to the point of accepting the fact that I still don't know what I want out of a relationship or in a woman. I kid you not, being in a reasonable amount of commitment gives you an epiphany of the future. Most people would give naive stories of "love at first sight" or finding "the one". The truth is that commitment isn't always that simple. The time and effort it takes BEFORE it even happens is no telenovala bullshit that the narrow-minded consume willingly. Life doesn't prepare you for these things - it only exposes you to it. I like to plan. I like to be READY. Most of all, I don't want to waste anyone's time. In the meantime, it will have to wait. I'll have to stop being the hopeless romantic. I've got my friends. I've got my hobbies. I've got the occasional dates and, if I'm lucky, I'll occasionally get "lucky". The distractions are endless.

Would I ever miss it? The wooing, the mindless enchantment of the feeling, the frequent beeping of the cellphone, the endless humping on the sack until you're too exhausted the world sounds muted and spinning, the fights, the frustration, the dealing of all the times when she's brooding and what not? There really isn't anything to miss, honestly. Once you have a plan, it's a matter of expecting rather than longing.

I don't mean to sound bitter. In fact, I am anything but bitter. Hell, I am supportive of all my friends' temporary bouts of insanity. I've been there too, you know! 

Every now and then I would see status changes and photos of couples on my Facebook wall. Do I wince in inexplicable envy? Do I cynically laugh uncontrollably? Quite the opposite! In fact, I smile in nostalgic admiration (it's that love-then-lost thing). To be honest, I wish them all the luck in the world because they're going to need a whole lot of it.

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